love/hate

[LOTR2017]

Doesn't it suck when you are in love with someone no matter how crappy they treat you and you cannot seem to just NOT love them. Like I wish I could care less about his feelings, but sadly I do care and no matter how much he talks about divorce with me...I keep having hope. Just PRAY that I keep a level head through all of this.

[Nothing_but_books]

In my case, I've learned it's called "trauma bond." I learned as a child to ignore my own feelings and take care of others.

 hypercat54 shared this link, and it fits my experience. See what you think.

bing.com/search?pglt=43&q=c...

[LOTR2017 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I am thinking about this...I never experienced physical abuse from him, but maybe mild verbal abuse especially when he was in his addiction. What sucks is the year before this he was so healthy and free of addiction and it was great to see him like that...but now...not so much.

[hypercat54 in reply to LOTR2017]

Childhood Emotional Neglect is exactly that - childhood. Did this happen to you then?

The point is those who suffered from this often have very low self esteem and will look for the familiar in a partner no matter how badly they treat you.

[LOTR2017 in reply to hypercat54]

No I had a very healthy childhood. No trauma when I was a child, but now as an adult with my spouse.

[hypercat54 in reply to LOTR2017]

Ok fair enough. Its clearly not relevant in your case the.

I will say though that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and you cannot do it by yourself.

I don't know of a way to make someone still love you when they clearly don't and eventually even your love will die from neglect.

I would give yourself a time limit on trying to change his feelings while also making plans to leave him.

You deserve someone who will treat you a lot better than this and the longer you stay with him the harder it will be to leave. And the more unhappy you will be.

[LOTR2017 in reply to hypercat54]

Yea he is moved out by his choice because we do live with my parents....and my dad is a pastor so he felt like we were all judging him. It's been a mess, but then he has moments where he is sweet and says he loves me...which I have been praying for discernment when it comes to him. I think I stand on if he doesn't get help and want to quit drinking then I cannot see us being together no matter how much it hurts.

[hypercat54 in reply to LOTR2017]

That's called love bombing. Look it up. Its good though that he has left your family home and I hope for your sake it stays that way.

[Zhangliqun in reply to LOTR2017]

You say "when he was in his addiction". Is he in 12-Step?

[LOTR2017 in reply to Zhangliqun]

yes but stopped at like 6-7 and then was sober another 6 months but since last august jumped off the bandwagon.

[Zhangliqun in reply to LOTR2017]

He is an addict and until an addict gets serious about 12-step, the best way to show you love him is to pretty much cut him off until he does.

[BorachioHatpeg]

I'm currently experiencing wishing I could just not love him but even more I so desperately just want him to love me again. I feel like there's no hope for me without him. He's never abused me physically or verbally. He's only ever increasingly over the years dismissed my feelings and thoughts and now me. My life has been full of trauma and the only respite I've ever had has been since I have been with him. I've known and trusted him for 27 years and we've been together for 12 years. How can he just suddenly not love me anymore and I still love him so much. It's a really dark place to be. So alone. I miss lying down with my head on his lap and I miss his arms around me. It sucks

[Florida1959]

You do deserve someone who will treat you better - from experience the longer you stay with him the harder it will be to leave. Self esteem is a key, love yourself the way you love him - would you treat yourself like this? I have seen a family member completed destroyed by a similar relationship, I don't want that for you. x

[Ryanlion]

It is so sad and painful for you, i underdtand that. If you husband is still drinking nothing much will change. I am thinking of you now, have you heard of Al Anon. It is a 12 step program for people who love a drinker/alcoholic. You will meet others like yourself where you can talk about it and be understood and help yourself too. I hope i have understood your situation.

[Hidden]

Internet hugs to you. When you have faith and are in love and committed to someone it's hard to let them go, especially when they're suffering in some way. You really have to let them be free if that's their desire, as much as that sucks to have to do. Jesus forgives us, and you, for letting go when we need to. Your heart deserves to be filled with joy and hopefulness for tomorrow, not with sorrow and regret for yesterday. Take care!