Helping oneself

[Lyn842]

Why don't I want to help myself? I am self medicating to make myself sleep. I don't care that I'm hurting myself. I don't care that I'm taking chances that could permanently harm me. If you've read my posts over the last few days you know that I'm in crisis. I'm far away from home. Some of you have advised me to go home and get help. Some advised to go an ER. Why don't I want to give up control when my being in control is actually out of control? My husband noticed I was acting drugged last night. I admitted I took some pain meds. He asked how many and where are they. I won't tell him. I want them so I can do the deed if I so choose. I am so messed up. I'm scared for my daughter to find out cause she may withhold my grandkids from me cause I'm unstable. That would kill me. There's no way to hide it from her if I do seek help here. I'm afraid of myself on one hand and the other hand says there's only one way out so I don't have to live with the consequences cause ill be dead. I know I'm rambling,sorry. I'm so scared.

[fauxartist]

please seek immediate help.....your not going to want to leave those grand kids....you know that in your heart. your in a crisis and your not able to get through it on your own. believe me your family would want to get you help more than they would want you suffering. overdosing is not an answer to your problems...what you need is a profound change in why your feeling this way...there is no easy answer....and I could say all the stuff you've heard before....but if your worried you won't be able to see your grandkids cause you got help....then why would you want to leave them. The ripple effect of a final act like that your contemplating could destroy your family.....give them a chance to get you help.

[Lyn842 in reply to fauxartist]

I hear you. I'm so confused and scared. I want help, I don't want help. I've been thru this before, why can't I just do it again. I know everything why can't I just apply it and get over it?

[Crabbing in reply to Lyn842]

I would love to talk with you ..This feeling you have right now will pass..So many loving , caring people here on this site ..Im older as well I get thru this due to my daughter..

[Strongheartforever]

Giving up the way you want to “just transfers the pain” to your family. Someone said that here once and it was an epiphany. How could you do that with a clear conscience? Anxiety fuels this choice more than depression, or so I’ve read. What can help calm you? Wish I could help somehow but all I can do is encourage you not to drop a bomb on the ones you love the most. Really embracing you now in peace and safety. Do not make a decision you can’t come back from. It will be the last. Life is so short anyway. You are the captain and you can turn this ship around.

[Crabbing]

How are you ??