Log in
Anxiety and Depression Support
30,403 members31,218 posts

Midnight thoughts

Currently feeling lost and absolutely hopeless. I doing every thing I can and nothing help. Feels like the meds are not working. Like I'm in an endless tunnel and watching the light get smaller and smaller at the end. That the light always out of my grass. I haven't been sleeping 😴 only four to three hours a night. And I can't talk to my parents about this, because they said they can't go through this again. I'm always on edge thinking about every little mistake I made at work. Thoughts that run through my mind can't get them to stop. It's like a hurricane on the inside and outside projecting calm seas.

65 Replies
oldestnewest

i can totally relate to what you are talking about - feeling lost and hopeless, mistakes at work, calm on the outside, storms on the inside. i find myself unable to talk with my parents about things too. feeling like things are slipping away, out of your reach.

Reply

Those small mistakes, that's all I can think about the rest of the day. Adding the hopelessness it feel like everything just out of reach mocking you. My parents do not want to hear about it or got their own problems to deal with.

Reply

i know exactly what you mean. i tend to beat myself up for mistakes. the longer things go on, the more i feel like things are just out of my reach, teasing me with how close they are but not close enough.

i'm sorry to hear that your parents do not want to hear about it. do you have friends or anyone else close you can talk to? there are always people here that are ready to listen.

Reply

It's nice to know someone who can understand/relate too. I have few close friends but they can only deal with it some much. I'm always worried I'm going to annoy them more if I keep trying to talk to them. So I can only tell them so much before it feels like they get tired of hearing it.

Reply

it is nice to know someone who can relate/understand. i don't really have close friends, but i can understand that feeling of feeling like you are going to annoy them if you talk too much about things. i feel that way sometimes too, feeling like i don't want to burden people with talking about what's going on, so I project that clam outside, like nothing is wrong ... when that couldn't be further from the truth.

Reply

That's exactly it I don't want to burden any one. So it's like you always put in a smile and act as if everything fine. When in reality it's like a hurricane raging on inside. I am terrified that people will see what really going on. It's getting harder and harder to pretend because I'm getting so little sleep.

Reply

i am the same way. act like everything is fine when it isn't, worried that people will see what is really going on. it is exhausting.

Reply

It is exhausting at the end of the day want to curl up in bed and disappear. It feels like standing in abyss to suffer alone in silence. You can scream it and no one would hear, or it feels like no one would care. One day can be pretty okay bit the next it's bad. One step forward to steps back. And I'm tired of never seeing progress when everyone around me lives their life. And here just trying to make it through the day. Feels like I'm just back round noise a client whisper no one hears or cares. Like if left no one would notice it

Reply

nights are rough for me. i think it is the release of pretending all day. i struggle with those feelings too - suffering alone, no one hears, no one cares.

it's like you read my mind - i struggle daily with being tired of seeing everyone around living their lives and i am fighting for the smallest bit of progress, just trying to survive the day.

i definitely know that feeling- if i left no one would notice. all i can say is that someone would notice. you matter to people more than you think. i struggle with those feelings and thoughts too- not having those human connections, feeling like no one would notice are terrible feelings for someone to go through, and i am sorry to hear that you are feelings those things.

Reply

I'm sorry you feel those things. The funny part is I can tell everyone one else they matter and important and loved bike never tell myself that. I think you are right about the nights being the worse from pretending all day. You try to find the progress you made but it feels so small and insignificantwhen everybody else is making the plans for the week.

It's also worse because I then struggle with snacking at night if I can't sleep while my mind runs wild. Mind always running at full speed never stopping.

Reply

i know what you mean. we are rarely as kind to ourselves as we are to others. finding that small sliver of progress is so difficult, adding to the difficulty is seeing everyone else living their lives, achieving their goals and dreams and such.

i'm a snacker too, especially during the day at work, trying to distract from the anxiety or something i guess.

Reply

You see everyone else at their best living life to the fullest having no care at all. It's hard to watch. I snack to help calm my anxiety feels like little more in control. I can't sreally snack at work if I could I would be doing that. Instead I usually go in the back or bathroom trying to calm myself down and pieceing myself back together. Do you having any tricks to help with anxiety or panic attack?

Reply

it is absolutely hard to watch, i totally agree. as far as anxiety goes, i'll usually try to leave the area of the thing that is causing me anxiety, or, if i can't do that, breathing and calming self-talk is what i try to do, reassure myself that it'll be ok, that this feeling will pass. do you have any?

Reply

That's a good one the breathing trying to calm yourself down and reassuring yourself I'lll have to try that more. I usually try to leave the one area if I cant, I look down at my ring it's a semicolon. But other than I find it so hard to take calm soothing breaths. But the reassuring myself that it will pass will most likely help with that.

Reply

i find it difficult too, to calmly breathe when you are in the middle of anxiety. it can just totally drain your energy sometimes it feels like, trying to be calm/calm down ... goes back to that calm seas on the outside, hurricane on the inside type of situation.

Reply

That's exactly what it is like only when it get really bad my hand shakes or I end up bitting my nails off. I'm constantly fidgeting. I've been trying to reassure myself and my rational side knows this but it's like irrational side takes over and I can't. Sometimes it's five to ten minutes later until I can calm down.

Reply

I understand what you are talking about. it's like part of you knows but it gets overridden by the anxiety and those feelings. that battle back and forth can be so exhausting sometimes.

Reply

It is extremely exhausting because you do know deep down but you can't do anything about it. How do you make yourself think rationally again?

Reply

That's the question. how do you do that.

Reply

I think everyone struggles with trying to think rantional again. Like breathing techniques may help, or running your hands through your hair. Stuff like that but whatever you do feels like forever before your finally okay not fully calm but better than before. I wish there was like button you pushed and it be alright again

Reply

I agree. i think it is something everyone struggles with. It's true, minutes feel like hours when you are trying to get back to calm/rational. that would be something, be alright again at the push of a button.

Reply

That one of the hardest parts in that moment where you try to regain control of yourself. it feels like forever has passed and just watching nobody else going on with the daily tasks like it's nothing. All the while you're struggling to just like breathe evenly and think straight again. I wish there was a faster way to calm oneself down because I haven't found it yet.

Reply

that is definitely one of the hardest parts. you're struggling to regain control and everyone else is just going about their day like nothing. plus, you can't let on that anything is wrong. i wish there was too, i haven't found it yet either.

Reply

Your right when said hardest part of it trying deal with it all the while acting as if nothing wrong. Acting like your calm and collected when there a massive storm brewing inside you. Affecting your emotion and thoughts. Where at that moment basic tasks are even hard to do. I wish I didn't pick my nails or chew inside if my cheek trying to hide it.

Reply

we all do what we have to do to get through it, to survive.

Reply

Your right we do it to survive. Sometimes it can feel so draining always putting on a perfect everything fine I'm okay act. Wearing a smile and laughing like you don't got a care in the world. When I'm reality your feel the opposite and as your alone you let it all rush out. You let yourself not smile, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down, fidgeting hand shaking and feel like burning up or gonna get sick. As soon as I'm alone it's hard to even try to smile in the mirror. I look at my scars even though some are more faded than other and all I see who would like me, who could possible want to see them.

Reply

i agree with what you said. it is totally draining to put on that act, waiting for when you are alone to let it all come rushing out. i think there are many people out there who would like you, kind & caring people who understand and like you for the person you are.

Reply

Thank you for saying that it's been a year and six or so months since I self harmed. I think it's hard to see other with out a care. Or they get worried and anxious but don't blow a gas get over it. And then your there trying everything in your power not to freak out. Or some days your just so tired and wounder will you ever be half as happy. There one day can be good then the next it can all go horribly wrong.

Reply

that is awesome. good for you. you should be proud of yourself for that. it is definitely hard to see others without a care or to see them be not as bothered by things. i definitely can relate to wondering will i ever be half as happy and i can relate to the rollercoaster day-to-day you are talking about. i tend to go through the day waiting for that something bad to happen, just waiting for it to hit me, which can put a damper on what might be an ok day.

Reply

I feel like sometimes we worry more always waiting for the other shoe to drop we don't always enjoy the day. We are so use to something bad happening so we try to prepair for it. We think we can stop it sooner if we know what to expect. Focus on how it gonna affect are dapression and anxiety, that we forget the okay moments. It honestly feels impossible some days to just live in the moment, and just go with the flow like others do.

So with that being said ExplorerPHX I hope you had a good or an okay day.

Reply

i agree with what you are saying. we try to prepare for it, hoping that'll lessen the severity. i think you are right, i can feel impossible sometimes to live in the moment, hang on to those okay moments and not miss them.

and thank you. i hope you had a good or an okay day too.

Reply

Just use to expecting the worse or you know certian things that make it worse. So your always trying to not get that bad. I think sometimes it makes it more daunting because not living in the now. For me it's like I want to love in moment but I feel like I can't , because of the what ifs. Or when your so tired and down all you can do is smile when your act can't participate in anything else. So it's trying to live in moment and thinking more about the okay moments them the bad ones. Which I am trying to do it's definitely work in progress.

Reply

exactly. i totally understand what you are talking about. i agree, trying to be more in the moment and thinking more about the ok moments than the bad ones. it's a work in progress for me too, and some days are better than others ... unfortunately, there are more "others" days than "better" days.

Reply

That the same for me as well to her days than the okay days. Feel like it wears you down so much. But it doesn't mean that we are not trying because we are.

Reply

sorry to hear it's the same for you. you are absolutely correct, it just wears you down, drains all your energy. and you're right, it doesn't mean we are not trying, because we absolutely are. that's all we can do, just keep trying.

Reply

I feel like we always try or best but it feels like it's never enough. For that one good day you have, then can get like four or bad days. Sometimes it takes so much out of you it can leaving you wondering why your trying. At least it feels like that with me. But some reason I get up try again even when know it's not going to be a good day

Reply

i totally understand what you are talking about. you feel like you are trying your best, but it never seems to be good enough. for that one bright spot, you suffer through so many bad days. i wonder that too sometimes, wonder why am i even bothering to try when i feel like/i know it isn't going to be enough. but, like you, i get up and try again regardless, hoping for that good day, that bright spot.

Reply

That excatly how it feels. Always hoping for the good day and most the times it is not. But we still try even when we feel like we don't. Because I almost afraid of people finding out.

Reply

oh my gosh, exactly! keep on trying, hoping for that good day eventually, even though most of the time it is not. same goes for me, i am almost afraid of people finding out too ... have to keep up appearances that things are just chugging along, even if they aren't.

Reply

We keep trying so everyone thinks we are fine. We try to put up this act where nothing wrong. We put on different masks to hide what's really going on how we really feel. We don't show on the verge of breaking down, giving up, just wanting to disappear. I'm sad but I smile that's my life. Sorry had a really tough bad yesterday. I hope you had a good Easter.

Reply

exactly, keep trying to keep up appearances, acting with masks to hide how we really feel, how we really are doing. sorry to hear that you had a really tough bad yesterday. you can message me if you want to talk or whatever.

Reply

Thanks I really take you up on that and bad day was I slipped up and self harmed again. That's what is always wearing these make to hide how we feel and what's really going. Like these masks protect us.

Reply

exactly, it's like they protect us from having to really face what is going on. we wear the masks, hiding how we feel from others ... and sometimes hiding it even from ourselves. as for "slipping up" ... you did what you felt like you had to do to survive, to handle whatever was going on.

Reply

Your are exactly right a out sometimes hide it from ourselves. Even I do that and it's almost as if we don't make as bug of deal or acknowledge it, it's not real we can pretend we are fine. The masks keep us safe and they bring comfort. Because know ones how bad it is how damage you can be they can't judge or look down one you. So we can hide how we really feel from others. And thanks

Reply

i completely agree. we hide it from ourselves, ignore it and go on pretending we are fine. hiding it from ourselves is only part of it ... we feel like we have to hide it from others, to avoid others judging and looking down on us for being 'damaged' ... so we feel like we have no choice but to continue to hide it. and, you're welcome.

Reply

That's it really no one wants to be labeled as damage, or something baggage. So we hid it from others so they don't know. And then sometimes to ourselves to feel like we normal. That way we can deny for a little while or for me don't have always confront it

Reply

that's true, no one wants that label of 'damaged goods' or to be labeled as someone with 'emotional baggage' ... such a stigma associated with it that we feel compelled to hide it from others. when we hide it from ourselves, we have that moment of denial or just not having to confront those feelings, so if only for a brief moment, things feel normal ... but everything always come rushing back, crashing us back to reality

Reply

Hello Hopeless,

I can relate to the insomnia, I have problems sleeping as well. For me it is my mind that will not shut down when I need it to. I researched quite a bit and discovered what is known as "sleep hygiene" In a nutshell, turn your room into a "sleep sanctuary". First, you need to make sure your room has everything you need to sleep well. Obviously you need a bed and blankets but also be sure all extraneous light sources are turned off or removed from your room. Curtains/shades that will keep light from disturbing you. Try to keep your sanctuary cooler than hotter. Let one foot hand out of the sheets-this is your body's thermostat.

Next, create a sleep routine. My routine starts with turning off all blue light at least one hour before sleep. No computer, cellphone, television or tablets-nothing just a small tiffany desk lamp is all I have on. So, one hour before bed these things are to be shut down (no peeking at your phone!). There are a lot involved in sleep hygiene but little things make a difference and it is cumulative.

You describe intrusive thoughts that you can't control. This is classic OCD at work. If not already diagnosed, you may want to have it checked out. I was diagnosed in 1998 and my life changed from that day forward.

Medications can be a tricky process. As much as anyone would like to admit it is often a process of trial and error. Just keep trying and I know you will find a combo that's right for you.

Worrying about work performance? It's all good. I am sure your doing as well as anyone else there. Each person has their share of worries; they just hide it like you do. The fact that you have passion for music is fabulous. Center yourself on music when you are frustrated or down. This will ward away depressive thoughts and behaviors.

With regards to your parents realize that they are from a generation that did not embrace mental illness all that well. You must realize by now that there are a lot of people on this site that care. When you need support and advice you know where to go. You are never alone. Write anytime.

PEACE

-MSGSTL

Reply

I will have to try and don't the sleep sanctuary. It's like my mind on atuo pilot and I can't stop. I will definitely do that blue light in an hour before bed. I'll definitely do the music thing to when I'm down depressed I'm frustrated book in the warehouse most of the time. thank you for the tip about keeping the room cooler I'll definitely do that to. It is nice having people care.

Reply

Hi Hopelessly,

I appreciate your reply. It is good to know that someone hears me. If you choose the sleep sanctuary, an hour with no gadgets can be hard. You can absolutely put on some music or try journaling. It sounded hokey to me at first, but I have found journaling increases my self-awareness, I remember things that were good, and by writing a list of emotions that I am feeling I am able to empathize with myself. All good stuff. Meditation seems daunting at first but I can tell you this: If you stick with it for a little bit (about 10 min./day) every few days a week there's a good chance you will have it in your arsenal against anxiety and depression to be used whenever you want/need it. Maybe you can google it and explore "mindfulness meditation". I hope you sleep well tonight.

PEACE.

-MSGSTL

Reply

It hard to do it last night but I had everything shut off an hour before I went to bed. And only had my alram and my phone playing classical music. It also help turning on my fan I got four and half hours of sleep. I usually get three max so it's an improvement. And definitely try meditation ten minutes a day. Thank you so much

Reply

Your Welcome.

-MSGSTL

Reply

Update I got a totally of five hour of sleep I say I'm sticking with the everything off an hour before bed. I know it won't be easy but I can make it into a help. Definitely sleeping with fans and classical music. Form now on I will do meditation ten minutes a day.

Thank you for your help MSGSTL.

Reply

Awesome to hear of your successes! I too love classical music. Great choice to fall asleep to! I love to hear of your victories in the war against insomnia! I believe you will find that better/more sleep will make for better days as sleep is very important to one's overall well-being. All I can say is: Cool Beans! Have a great night!

PEACE.

-MSGSTL

Reply

Hi hopelessly - you sound under pressure at work and can feel the stress as you might feel you can't keep up with your work. You have managed to keep your anxiety to yourself which shows you have control when at work - it's when you come back you are worried you have failed. Sleep is the most restorative factor in recovery. When you don't have enough sleep your thoughts can be anxious and worse. You feel tired during the day and the frustration of insomnia makes you even more worried.

I guess you have tried other methods of calming yourself but there are certain websites that give information on how to wind down before you go to sleep, and how to cut down on the light in your bedroom to encourage sleep hormones to activate. Coming off the computer an hour before you go to bed may help, and watching programmes which aare light and funny rather than thrillers and murders, can make you feel more relaxed before you go to sleep. Certain foods with inducing tryptophan can aid sleep. Carbs such as noodles, or bread, with a small bit of protein such as a meat, fish, paste sandwich, a bag of crisps with an egg sandwich may help you sleep. Milky drinks such as cocoa might be sufficient to help you wind down. A sleeping pill may help your anxiety+sleep. Once you get a good nights rest, you will feel better and able to cope.

healthline.com/nutrition/to...

gives information on coconut oil anxiety and depression. It comes in a jar and can be spread on a biscuit, put in a casserole, added to a salad dressing and is a natural supplement. Recommendations are to take at least 4 teaspoons a day or more.

Hope you get some sleep tonight. If the drug is not right for you suggest you ask your doctor for a sleeping pill and a drug which works quickly with no suicidal thoughts side effects. Some drugs can take over 6 weeks and this is unacceptable! You can look up your meds and side effects on drugs.com and food interactions. Take care - from a fellow sufferer of insomnia.

1 like
Reply

I will try certian foods and drinks see if that helps. I get usually 2-3 hours of sleep than I'm up the rest of the day. The funny things is one side effect of my meds is suppose to make me drowsy but it's like with my mind running at full blast or I can't lay still close my eyes. That's what my doctor told me and won't do anything about till six weeks are up.

Reply

At least you know if the meds will work in a few weeks. If only the doctor would be honest and tell each patient how long it may take. So many go away and feel so bad, they have to stop taking these drugs or they will do something dire. Unless drugs can act speedily to resolve the anxiety they may be falsely promoted as the answer to the problem. Drug companies may not accept that side effects can be worse than the benefits At least you have not come out in spots or been sick. Hang on in there. Many people find the drug suddenly works. I have to wear my gum guard so I can sleep.

May be if you change your pillow angle so your eye is not against it t might help you feel comfortable. Lavender pillows, or sachets in the pillow case might help calm you as essential oils. If you can give yourself a treat may be a new hair cut or some new clothes, it might help you relax and feel better within yourself. Playing your favourite music might help. If there is any hobby such as knitting which can take your mind off your worries it can be so absorbing you forget your worries. Yoga is helpful for some as it helps your whole spine, and increases the blood flow to every part of your body. Take care. Try counting sheep with your eyes shut it can help.

Reply

I change the way I sleep on the pillow and add lavender to my pillow. And I will try the sheep counting I just want to find setting that works

1 like
Reply

Just read that eating a couple of kiwi fruits before you go to sleep can help you sleep. Bananas can help too.

Another tip is to go to bed as late as you can. Thinking of you. Hope you have a break before going back to work.

https:// editorchoice.com/foods-cure...

1 like
Reply

Easter Sunday - hope you slept better yesterday night.

Reply

Thank you I did get a little more sleep slept 4 hours and 40 minutes. The kiwi thing I try for sure. Sorry I wasn't one had a bad day and just wanted to be completely alone. Hope your Easter was good.

Reply

Yes it was good though it has been hot here. I have to keep out of the sun due to skin cancer which has been treated successfully. I had some wine yesterday and was up all night with skin irritation - so that's what chemicals and alcohol does to me. Am learning my responses to food and environmental substances have undermined ny immune system but have found from looking at natural methods to help my diet it has controlled my anxiety and other problems. Will send some more links which you can digest or chuck!

Reply

I'm sorry about the skin cancer, but glad it's been treated successfully. It was warm here almost 80's. Sorry about the skin irritation but glad you had a good Easter. Mine was okay until the parts when it felt like it wasn't okay. For all kinds of different links if anything helps. I only got three hours of sleep. Insomnia depression and anxiety what's keep me awake and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it, but just let my mind race.

Reply

I'm sorry your sleep pattern is poor. It sometimes helps to look up medication online to see if there are any side effects and interactions. Other suggestions might help. I have found a sleeping pill helps my sleep but could not take one before bedtime because I had drunk some wine and there would be an interaction. Even the medication as a diuretic controlling water balance cannot be taken with alcohol and must avoid sunlight. If you find this too stressful to do, you could give me the names of the drugs, I can check if there are any problems with the interaction or side effects with food or alcohol.

Reply

Agora, another user on this site, shared this video, and it's been helpful for me when thoughts make it hard for me to rest: "Calm Down Guided Meditation - Gentle Soul." You can find it on YouTube.

Reply

You may also like...