Okay, so what I’m about to tell you is kind of a longish story, but bare with me. Maybe you’ll also be able to relate to it too.
So basically, I always think that there is something wrong with my brain and that it’s different from everybody else’s. I constantly feel the need to figure out if other people feel the same way I do with my anxiety and have the same anxiety thoughts as me; that in itself Is what my anxiety is made up of. I have had ocd since I was little and believe this is probably related to my ocd because of my continuous checking and trying to figure it out in my mind until I feel like it’s the right answer. This will happen multiple times a day, all day on my really bad days. Even though I’ll feel like I figured it out and everything’s fine, I still have to constantly try and figure it out in my head until it feels like the right answer every time. I continuously go through this in my head but I still have to do the same thing cuz I always doubt myself and have to keep doing it over and over in my head until I figure out what I feel is the right answer in that specific moment in time. Not only this, but I also have this obsession with this weird idea that stuck in my head ever since I graduated high school, which was like a year and a half ago. This is what the me thinking my brain is different from everybody’s else’s idea stemmed from too. This first idea I had that made me have extreme anxiety and made me go through a period of what I believe was severe ocd for over 6 months is based on the idea of me being overly self aware and conscious about my own conciousness. I know that sounds freaking crazy, but this idea just stuck with me one day, I think after reading something online, and now I can’t get it out of my head. Now based on this one idea, I have OCD symptoms where I’ll either be afraid to focus on myself and my own thoughts for no reason, even if it’s just a thought like “I want some ice cream” I’ll be overly aware of it just because of the fact that I’m scared to see and focus closely on every single thought i have. I’ll also be afraid that I’ll be able to think and focus on two things at once, and that because of this my mind isn’t like other people’s, etc. I know this might sound a bit psychotic but it’s just this idea of me being overly conscious of my own conciousness that has been bothering me, and how I get afraid of these sub ideas associated with it. On top of this, I also constantly try and figure out how the brain works in my head, how thoughts come to our mind at any given time, etc. And because I’m afraid of acting out on these ideas I have, I continuously focus on pretty much my every action, thought/feeling, almost every second of the day and I can’t take it. It’s ruining my life and my sanity and I’m scared that I’m gonna be thinking so much about it one day that my brain will just shut down or something.
It got better for a good half a year or more, but then these symptoms started up again because I’ve been on and off with my Zoloft medication lately and I can’t seem to stop thinking about this idea. I continuously have to try and figure it out and I’m always constantly worried about it and worried that I’ll keep focusing on it, which I always end up doing. I know it sounds ridiculous but for some reason I have really bad anxiety over this one thing and I don’t know what to do. My mind is constantly racing over this and I don’t know how to get over this idea/thought that I have stuck in my head.
I know that’s a lot and I’m sorry, this is my first time on here and I just really need help, i figure saying as much details about it as possible would kind of help people understand. If you don’t, its okay. I don’t expect you to.
Anyways, enough of my rant lol. How can I make it so it’s unimportant to me and ultimately forget about it so I can live in peace and stop obsessing?
And do you think this is really OCD or could it possibly be something else? Thanks.