Yo, gang. I hope you're all holding up better than I have been. I'm not entirely sure why I'm here or what I'm expecting from this, but it's not like there's too much to lose. I've heard that it's never good to read anonymous responses online because they're just toxic, but I can't imagine things being any more toxic than the inability of my friends and family to understand.
I spose it'd be best to explain somewhat. PTSD is a bitch, bro, sis, whatever gender ya'll wanna recognize. Mine didn't come from combat or sexual abuse like most cases out there. It makes it pretty difficult to have a support group scenario. In terms of having someone understand, I can't imagine there's a lot of people that went through near death situations with machinery.
It wasn't an immediate thing either. Sure, things were crappy at first. I was in a semi-professional environment in a small town community. I didn't want to get singled out by my community so I did my best to keep it hidden. I won't get into details cause this thing would be too long to even talk, but I thought maybe some context would be helpful. Anyways, years later, I was working away in a similar environment as the place I had my accident and I started getting sick.
Every day, I would be stricken with something strange. I thought it was just industrial fumes or something. Headaches, stomach aches, weird pains, vertigo, nausea. I had nightmares about my accident in the past, but they did not happen often and I just kinda shrugged them off as a normal thing to have for someone who went through a traumatic experience. Then one day I'm working, leaning over a drawer and BAM, full on flashback. When I came to my senses, I ran to the bathroom, asked to be excused from work, and went straight to the doctor.
My doctor was like "Hey! You have PTSD" (not verbatim) I said "Nahhhhhh, that's people who were in terrible experiences in war, bloodshed, death, violence, rape, etc.. Not some machine accident." She responded "yes" and I'm like "nah" but we all know that silence in the room, with a doctor just looking at me like "bro, you're in denial." It's pretty obvious I was looking mighty foolish and somewhat obstinate, argumentative and unwilling to accept the truth. Looking back, I was pretty defensive, but that kind of irritability and the like would be the new normal!
So I ended up going to the doctor and seeing a therapist who explained things a lot better. Turns out I just blow up over stupid stuff that wasn't a bit deal before. When my boss called me up a day later asking why I left work early, he ended up accusing me of lieing to him about my PTSD (totally hate this combination of words now) to which I got quite angry, used some language I shouldn't have, and resigned from my position. Don't worry, it gets worse!
I mean, we can skip the tons of crazy, unnecessary circumstances leading up to now. As with any normal person diagnosed with PTSD who loses his job, I returned to finish my bachelor's degree, living in a crappy downtown studio apartment, working at a bar and grill as a line cook. As I hate pharmaceuticals, all I had was a medication to help with panic attacks (should they happen) but I rarely ever took the stuff. I mostly kept it just in case something happened, I would have happen. It helped put my subconscious, worrisome mind at ease. I succeeded in finishing the last credits and obtaining the degree just before a crippling depression started to set in.
It was the kind of thing where you struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. You know you have to go in to work, you like doing a good job and all that, but everything feels pointless. Nightmares come more often, and when they don't, you have SOME sort of dream that you can't remember when you wake up. All I can remember is the unsettling feeling as the last memories of whatever was in my head faded in the day light. But, it's gets better! Just before I could get my ducks in a row and quit, they FIRED me for having a "bad attitude" saying they didn't want it to be 'contagious' for the rest of the cooks.
Yeah, pretty infuriating, right? They never talked to me about what was going on or even asked me anything. One night just after we got done closing the kitchen down, the kitchen manager says "what's going on?" to which I respond "I've been SUPER depressed, one of the worst I've ever dealt with." to which he says "oh, well we're letting you go, go ahead and grab your things and get outta here."
So that didn't help. Get my bachelor's degree and the first thing to go on my employment record after it is being fired from my job. Even worse, a crappy line cook job. Humiliating, frustrating, aggravating. Thankfully I was too overwhelmingly depressed to get angry about it. The only consolation is that one of the other cooks quit in response. It still doesn't change anything from having to try and explain that situation to an employer that probably doesn't want to hear it or doesn't even believe it. What comes next is utter defeat.
After that, there literally is no reason to get out of bed. The nightmares and fitful sleep become the new normal. There is no more than four hours of sleep at a time. I either eat nothing, or I eat too much, constantly. The fatigue takes it's toll on my mind, preventing my memory from being able to work right. The last few weeks just blend together and it's difficult to have a perception of time. Hey, maybe my memory isn't working well, but I still have an eloquent use of vocabulary and a somewhat impressive use of grammar.
It definitely makes it easier to isolate yourself when your family is 4 hours away and you have no girlfriend and no pet. The symptoms are a real thing, however. Some days I wake up to liquid lightning running in my veins. When people text saying "I hope you're feeling better" I feel a sting of frustration and anger like "you think this is just a THING that's just going to CHANGE?" (I try to avoid it because I know they mean well). Migraine headaches become a regular thing. The things that used to be enjoyable just aren't anymore. It's like someone reached up and turned down the volume knob on life. The other day I went to a grocery store to get groceries and I had a panic attack. There was just too many people, too much going on. My accident had nothing to do with people, but the combination of the continued isolation, self judgement, and over stimulation of the senses led me to panic like a frightened bunny. I ran out of there, humiliated, thinking that the people in the store must think I stole something. It doesn't help and the isolation just gets worse.
So I feel like a zombie, the fatigue builds up, sharp pains happen in my arm and back (injury arm), depression, anxiety, anger, frustration, wanting to isolate, and waking up feeling like "why the hell didn't I just die in that accident. I shouldn't be alive." These are all textbook symptoms of PTSD. If you have these sorts of thing popping up for yourself, you maybe want to talk to a therapist. I've heard EMDR and CBT are quite helpful. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and I think it's related to the eye movement that we have in REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy and it relates to helping you notice when you're doing something you want to change and actively doing something to change that behavior for the better. If you've got PTSD symptoms like mine, go see your doctor, talk to a therapist and seek out EMDR and CBT treatments.
Seems like a good place to stop. I'm not really sure where I was going with this anyway. It's not like I can go to some kind of happy ending. I'm still here, that's a positive light on it, but I mean I can't roll the story to a happy ending or anything. That damned panic attack in the grocery store was just last week and I'm so utterly ashamed, humiliated and depressed I've barely done anything besides feed myself a few times and make this post... so... Hopefully things are going better for you guys. Try to stay positive.
feel so tired 
i am so tired of living like this 
very tired, light headed. 
I'm so tired of this
