For the longest time I thought that if I just had a support system and someone to talk to things would be better. Now here I am in this community where the support is amazing, yet I still can't seem to open up. Posts, groups, even one on one... I've had opportunities and still nothing.
When I was younger I was always the strong friend, sister, cousin, etc. that people leaned on, so I often kept my feelings to myself. Then over the past several years, i was told that venting is "telling my business to everyone" so that didn't make it any better. I don't know how to change this, but it's making me feel trapped in my head, more than usual.
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-Sasha-
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You can open up here, we are anonymous Type "thinking out loud" go for it. You are amongst your people, our normal. Type away, journal away and it really helps
Thanks for the encouragement. I have to get out of my own head. I always start typing then end up erasing things, but you're right i am among people who understand. I'll try and think of it as journaling to see if it helps.
I agree with butterpeanut - you have nothing to lose by pushing your own boundaries and opening up here with us. Give it a try!
Sasha seems to me, as a longtime therapy and medication user, not the word I'm looking for. You toughed things out for the benefit of your family, friends, etc. So you built that WALL. The wall has to come apart just as it was built, brick by brick. I, too, did the same. People would say, "good old Kitty, will help anyone through an issue. She's the toughest woman I know" My ex husband with whom I lived with for over 40 years, had 2 children with, passed away last year on March 2, 2018. Things were not what they seemed, I put on my game face, and went to work because I had to. I worked 35 plus years as a waitress. Got lucky, job wise, in Phoenix, AZ, and was able to buy a home. At the time, breaking up was the best thing, as one or both or us would have ended up dead. He split, I kept up the house. Then I made the decision to move to Tucson, AZ and bought a 40 ft. 5th wheel and had a man friend live with me. He had his own camper and a smaller 5th wheel and I had my dream car. After about 2 months when he thought he was gonna tell me how to spend my hard earned money, I decided to go back to Phoenix. Luckily, I was able to get my old job back. My ex, decided he was gonna go to Sacramento and live with an old girlfriend. That didn't work cause she hadn't changed her ways. So when he came to Phoenix for the divorce to be finalized, April Fool 's Day, lol. So he then moves back East with his oldest Son's family. We had our kidz, adults are this point in time, in common. And he and I dearly loved the kidz and a Granddaughter as well in Phoenix. So he came to visit, stayed at a friend's place, and called me. He asked to meet with me in public, neutral territory. I agreed. The old problems were still there, as I forgave him but I will never forget. We ended up going back together as husband and wife, late 2005. And were together till he passed away last year. So my point is, I built the WALL and I tore it down brick by brick. Peace
Thank you for your response and telling your story. Sounds like it was quite a journey for you. I know breakups can be messy and can leave you feeling angry and/or resentful, which contributes to putting that wall up. So I get you about letting your wall down to get back with your ex (at the time). I know I can do it and it will probably take time, but that's what's frustrating me. I just want to get everything out already.
Sounds like you’ve always been there for others. Now it’s your turn to be the one who gets cared for and helped. Keep coming here - it has helped me a lot.
Yea it has already helped in some ways. I know I'll get there soon, I just get overwhelmed sometimes. I'm grateful for the support I've received so far.
Do you have any family members, close friends, or a therapist to whom you feel comfortable opening up?
Great as the support here is on this forum, sometimes, it's easier to be open about our troubles with someone we've gotten to know better on a more personal level.
I do have family and my best friend, but I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this. I do think you're right about it being easier to open up to someone I've gotten to know on a more personal level tho. I do prefer one on one convos over group convos, but that's more because of me than anyone else. I can get overwhelmed if there's a lot of questions or comments. I am looking for a therapist tho and hope that will be the solution.
I'm a big believer in talk therapy. Having a professional counselor talk with you to help you to be the best that you can be is a high level priority goal.
All I know is that I open-minded and will NEVER judge you. Perhaps these are traits you have not yet found in anyone yet. I am not saying that I am the right person to open up to; however, if you listen to your gut instinct, you will know who to lean on, whether me or someone else. I think you may be afraid of being told that same nonsense. The ppl who said that didn't care. However, I have been on this forum before and I have come to know the atmosphere here, and most are just like me, open-minded and non-judgmental. So if there is ANYPLACE for you to open up, it's here. You are safe.
Thank you. Yes I'm finding more and more that this is the safest place with no judgement, to talk. I know I won't be able to post my story or talk about it in a group setting, but I'll work on finding someone I feel comfortable talking to. At least until I find a therapist. Thank you for your support and kind words
it must of took a lot of courage to post this! & i would like to say, that if anywhere, this is definitely the place to open up and get everything off your chest! my inbox is always open if you would like to talk without it being open to everyone!
There is no wonder drug to erase our pains from our past. I do not know of your issues but talking to others and sharing all that you need to. To heal our mind we trust others who struggle to heal and we give others hope that we can survive and heal. I have a sister who is 53 and went to therapy long ago. She set and said nothing to the therapist. I am a talker will share it all. I once was like you. I have recently recovered from 40 years of Anorexia. I had no self-worth. I could not speak. I was close to death with my illness. I put my trust in a perfect stranger. She is my therapist. I feel like a sister now. I share my past abuse. It is the reason behind my mental illness. I recovered and face each day challenging my Anorexia to take me again. I always win. I even talk out loud to it at times. It sure did not bother it to talk 24/7 to me for forty years. I am a fighter and will always win. I know sharing is not easy at first. Then it becomes so natural. Give it a shot. We all are family here who struggle too. My sister that never opened up to her therapist suffers very badly. She is mania depressed. I am learning to not speak out loud to my Anorexia. I am speaking in my head. I recover daily to stay recovered.
Wow, you and your story very inspiring. Thanks for sharing it with us. I know talking about everything is crucial to moving past it all and healing. Therapy is probably my best route here, assuming it's where I'll feel the most safe and secure opening up. I'm sorry your sister suffers with her depression, but thank you for sharing her choices as an example. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Best wishes
I'd say your comment alone shows that you just opened up. Take baby steps. I'm the same way.
But you just have opened up. There's a good start. No one will judge you x
Your friends are still here waiting for you, S. You can talk to us anytime you want to. We'll be here waiting patiently for you until you feel like it. You're an awesome person who has many good things to say. Think about how many others you could help with your message and experience. So let your light and spirit shine for all to see. We'll both support you and learn from you. Okay? Talk to us. Both your soul and your friends here obviously need to hear from your voice!
Thanks J, that means more than you know. I'm working up to it. It's comforting to know you're all here to listen and support me when I need it. I enjoy doing the same for as many as I can. I'll get there I know it, just one step at a time.
You really need to speak with a professional. They won't tell you not to talk. I was the same way when I was younger, I kept things to myself so I was looked at as the "stable" one. Keeping everything inside is bad, they will come out. In my case it was a panic attack one night which started anxiety I still deal with.
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Type "thinking out loud" go for it. You are amongst your people, our normal. Type away, journal away and it really helps
I feel trapped
Trapped in an elevator
Trapped 
TRAPPED and TIRED 
Trapped
