Trapped in Solitude...

[Two_Of_Me]

Hello Community, I'm new here. I'm posting here specifically because I am in need of some external connection and also am seeking some help and advice.

It's related to my anxiety and how it has more or less run my life. I'm not in physical or fiscal danger, yet am almost completely socially isolated and living as a "shut-in" to a large degree. I've used escitalopram at the minimum maintenance dose for over a decade, and that has allowed me to generally normally function and not become disabled by depression.

I'm considering/researching potential residential treatment options to help me face some of this head-on, and would also appreciate to hear from anyone who may have some experience in such settings for anxiety/depression. (not substance abuse, for which I have no issues)

I'll try to explain a bit of it here... I tend to write a lot (I journal constantly) so I'll try to be concise here. Apologies in advance if this gets long...

The anxiety I feel, it's always been part of me and has ALWAYS impeded my intellectual abilities. So I'm kind of two people in one... an intellectually capable (and accomplished) individual cohabitating in the same room with another very insecure and anxious guy. This has existed (in roughly similar form) for my entire life (about 5 decades). This anxious guy is also easily shamed or humiliated and this happened pretty regularly, especially as a kid and esp by family... who in theory are supposed to be the safe haven. I don't ascribe any malicious intent to family members who triggered these feelings in me. I don't think it was intentional but it was like someone seeing a green thing as purple. I was green, but everyone around me (esp family) assumed and treated me as purple so I never experienced acceptance as being "green".

The anxious guy impacted me professionally and in school with studying. My anxiety would kill any ability to "think" when I had to take tests, and usually interfered with my ability to concentrate and study a topic for very long. Hence I always had mediocre performance in school grade wise, despite others telling me I had high intellectual and reasoning abilities.

The anxious guy also pretty much shut me down socially. Already feeling more or less rejected, each additional rejection, which is inevitable in all social contexts, would be excruciating. Esp in the cases where I was rejected by someone I cared about. So, making friends, being social, still to this day revolves more around being self-conscious for me than it does around making connections and being curious about the other person. I have been essentially "single" for my entire life as a result.

So, now I find myself having lived a good portion of my life this way and all of this has finally reached a level which I can no longer tolerate, but I find myself mostly alone and not quite knowing how to proceed. I watched a movie last night which was very lovely and it was a catalyst for a full-on bawling crying breakdown. Was actually good, as I have not cried like that in years! But it also has made me aware that my situation is untenable and that I need to find some external help.

I came to the ADAA site looking for residential treatment, and found this forum... So, I thought I'd toss out a line, and see if someone here had some ideas or suggestions that could help me make the next move.

Thanks for reading and for your thoughts.

[katiejmac]

Hi, I'm also new to this community (I just joined today). I'm not an expert on these topics, but maybe some of these ideas will help you socially.

-Join a club or organization of some sort. Make sure that you love what the group supports/does. Joining that club or organization will help you feel more accepted, because of all the people in that said club/organization will have similar interests and passions as you do. It will then make it easier to make some friends. Even just joining the club will help you feel better getting up in the morning because you'll have somewhere to go and feel safe and supported.

-Find that one person in life that you can always count on. If you're not sure who it is, think to yourself: Who would I tell my life's secrets to? Who would I count on to catch me at the end of a long fall? Who would be the one willing to save my life if need be? Know that they are there for you, and always will be. If you need help with something, ask them. You can always ask them to help you find some more friends and people who understand you.

-Last, if you need more help or someone to spill to, feel free to message me. I will be that person in your life who listens and strives to help you. I've always been the listener, so I understand how it feels to be pushed aside and not listened to yourself.

[Two_Of_Me in reply to katiejmac]

Hi there Katie,

Thanks for your thoughtful response! I'm a listener and helper too. Ironically, I've been able to help many over the years, save the guys living in my own head.

Sadly, it's that "one person in life you can count on" that has been elusive.

Because I've worked so hard on career, by necessity I've had to put in 200% to get 100% output, I've let the muscles of connection (what little I had) atrophy. This is kind of what has led me to this alone state. Some would call me a "workaholic", but that is simply because these people might only see the external behavior rather than the internal reasons for the intensity. At this point, I'm idle professionally (by choice) and trying to invest energy into understanding and plotting a path from where I am to meaningful engagement and connection.

I find myself in a strange place because 99% of people in the world have not traveled such a pathologically emotionally isolated path in their lives... hence, it's hard for most people to even wrap their head around the idea that a seemingly functional adult would not have the skills or capacity for allowing a deep connection. Things we take for granted like the family member you are always happy to see, etc... doesn't exist in my particular reality. Skills that we generally learn as children and young adults are missing from my repertoire.

If you want a small laugh, I can in many ways identify with the main character in the British series Doc Martin. The part of that character that I can most identify with is that it's very clear he feels his emotions strongly, but because of his childhood experiences, he has great discomfort (inability?) expressing them most of the time. If you have not seen this, you might enjoy the series as it's very sweet.

If you are up for a chat, Katie, reply to the post here, and I'll reach out. It would be nice to meet a new person... and I suspect you are here for some reason too! We can share our experiences.

[katiejmac in reply to Two_Of_Me]

I'd be happy to talk to you! You sound like the kind of person I'd like to get to know

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Are you in the US or UK? That makes a difference. I happen to be from the US Virginia born and breed. I went inpatient in the beginning. I highly recommend it for anyone struggling. It is so valuable. When I went I was in total crisis over situations happening around me. Inpatient at a health and wellness center. I do not have an issue with substance abuse. It was an amazing experience. I learned so much. I came out sad to be leaving but stronger and ready to conquer the situations in my life. You sound so much like me in a male form! I’m alone. Sometimes due to my own anxiety and self doubt. I have no friends, no real life and I sit home alone with my sweet dog Tater Tot. Except that she is getting sick. She is 14 with heart defects. I feel anxiety from that but usually I feel her calmness when she sleeps in my lap, her excitement for a treat, her unconditional love, her happiness to see me come home if I go out etc. When I get home her little face is in the window excited. It’s heartwarming. Her energy surrounding her is contagious. I hope I give her half as much as she gives me. You will never be judged hear and you are always welcome! It feels like one big happy family. We all have so much in common. That’s our relation. If you have any questions about residential treatment let me know. It is amazing. Everyone I was with enjoyed it.

[Two_Of_Me]

Thank you for reaching out Tinkerbell,

Yes, we can all do a number on ourselves, huh? Even when we can intellectually see it, and even describe it, our emotional self kicks in and steals the show.

You are lucky to have your dog. An emotionally aware pet is a true friend and it seems can really help us remain connected and keep our emotional self going... it's no substitute for another human, but also better than being 100% alone.

Thank you for your offer of advice. We could talk about it here or by private message, as you see fit. My questions really revolve around how to find a place that would be able to help with these specific types of issues. I don't have a "crisis" per se in my life, it's more of a chronic issue that I've let this all go so long. My belief is that by engaging in this in a residential setting I may be able to kickstart the process for myself by forcing myself to have some uncomfortable experiences in a safe setting. It's certainly a long term process though.

- I'm located in the US

- Did your experience involve group work? Was it productive?

- Was it very expensive?

- How did you find the place? (specifically to deal with anxiety/depression/vulnerability)

- How long did you stay?

Look forward to continuing the conversation. Thanks!

[Kaelyyna]

Dear Two_ Of_ Me,

I would be happy to be counted as another person you can talk to and bounce ideas off of. I'm pretty isolated, even though my son and his partner live with me. They are pretty wrapped up in each other, which I fully understand. My husband died about three months ago, which is still absolutely devastating, but even before he passed I rarely left the house and even more rarely still, without him. Isolation is nothing new to me. It was only about three weeks before my husband's sudden passing that my son and his partner moved in with us actually.

I deal with depression, anxiety, BPD, and various other issues, but am also well spoken, and at times can be somewhat functional. I got moderate, to good, to poor grades in school, depending on my interest and my emotional state. The social atmosphere was hell for me. I wanted to be invisible, to disappear, while also hungry for the positive attention I didn't get at home- such a conundrum. I loved to sing, while having horrific stage fright- a perfect example!

I did the opposite of you, I jumped head first into many relationships. It was a means of escape for me. I found, or thought I found, the acceptance I didn't get at home and couldn't give myself. The problem was, I continuously got into unhealthy relationships, mirroring the relationship with my mother, my own self-hatred, etc. My second husband, my Tom- the love of my life, was different from everyone else. I was finally not alone. I was FINALLY loved and accepted unconditionally. He is the one that just passed. It's been difficult to continue on. I've found myself not wanting to live.... When it got too overwhelming, I reached out to my therapist and psychiatrist, via the crisis line, when I couldn't reach them the regular way. I'm in therapy, on medication, and in group grief support. I also am 9+ years clean and sober. Occasionally, I go to 12 Step meetings.

Anyway, sorry I went on and on. I'd be happy to be your friend and I'm eager to be updated on your decisions about inpatient and your progress.

Be well.

[Two_Of_Me]

Hello Kaelyyna,

Truly sorry to learn of your loss. There are never words to fully describe the emotions one feels for loss of those dear to us. You have found a good place here filled with many loving people. Some who also have experienced loss, and some with hearts larger than the sun. It's a good place with good people.

Thank you for reaching out. My circumstances have been challenging, but in ways different from yours. I continue over these months to learn and understand. Some through conversations with people here, and some with others. Despite my isolation, I am learning that the best medicine for healing some of the pain that I have carried is through reaching out to and and being connected to people. Owning a bit of my shame and fear, opening myself, and realizing that all of us carry around some imperfections.

It's great that you have stayed sober all this time! 9 Years is great, very impressive! In much of the reading I have done, I have learned some of the value in 12-step programs. Perhaps now would be an ideal time to reach out once again to that family to find support. This is exactly why that family exists.... to be there when you really need them. Since you already know about this from your courageous work to get sober and stay there for 9 years I suspect reconnecting with that family will be a familiar and comfortable place to find the support of others. When we feel as you must, sharing that with others is the very best medicine for the pain!

Please let us know how you are doing, and know you can always reach out to people here, as this is a collection of very kind hearted and spirited people.