I had written some pretty supportive posts for others - it was what I love to do to help feel better and now I need some support if anyone is around.
My boyfriend I had just moved in with in a new home I found out he had been cheating on me during my our entire relationship ( emotional and sexting)and it really upended my reality. I am so in love with him. I was happier than I had ever been in my entire life. He supported and accepted me emotional in a way I had never experienced before. I was devastated that although he initially said he wanted to try he has decided he didn't want to do the work and wants me to move out when I can. The stress has been compounded by how I had just given up my apartment and I've been unemployed for several months and suffering from a pretty bad episode of major depression. This was supposed to me my last move, my home, and he told me I could get a lower stress job. So many promises, I am mourning the loss of my best friend, my future, my safety. I am so conflicted because I know I deserve someone who wants to try for me and is loyal but my heart is hurting so much and it doesn't help that I have no timeline on when I can leave and given he's my only local support I literally have to rely on him for emotional comfort still ( hugs when I'm crying etc). Two weeks ago I called the hotline because I felt so overwhelmed I started writing letters and that was something I had never done before. I am not that bad currently but it still crosses my mind when I can't imagine my future anymore because I still want the one I wanted with him in it.
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Wishfulthoughts
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I just want to offer you support. I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. I am glad you are here reaching out for support. You are not alone.
Hi Wishfulthoughts - One of the most helpful things I was ever told about suicidal ideation is that it is just an intense desire for change. That's all. The depression makes you feel like change will never come, and/or you can't do it. But, you can. What you are going through sounds SO hard, and I am sorry you are experiencing a confluences of heavy emotional challenges. I wish I could send you a magic carpet that would transport you to a better place. You are going to get through this. People have endured SO much worse! Breakups always feel like THE worst thing to ever happen - to whoever is experiencing it. I am not trying to minimize what you are going through at all. I'm just trying to normalize it a little bit, and remind you that it is universal. You will survive, heal, and have a whole bunch of new experiences in your life. Hang in there, and just try to do a little bit every day to move your life forward, and make yourself a little bit stronger. In the meantime, be patient, and be very warm and kind to yourself.
Being kind to myself has always been a challenge. I think it's why I've had so many issues with depression. Open to any advice you have on how to achieve it. I wish I could speed up time to when I'm patched up. I've had many bad breakups but nothing that has ravaged my mind and body ( I've lost 20lbs!) So much has collapsed so quickly around me I still struggle with acceptance daily.and I know that's likely driving the turnmoil. I never thought I was a person at risk for suicide I've always joked with my therapist that I would just stay alive and suffer forever so it was a very new feeling to stand on the balcony and think it would be easier to jump than everything I have to face starting over. I know suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem. I just never thought I'd be standing on my new home balcony during a thunderstorm feeling that way at all. I came inside eventually but I hope this all passes soon.
It will pass. You will feel better. I have been where you are. When I was younger I would just get pummeled by break ups; I couldn't eat, or sleep, or function normally at all. Everything was being triggered all at once and my system just went into 24/7 fight or flight response. I wish I had known then that I just needed to get grounded and take really good care of myself. Try to do that as much as possible even if it's only a small amount. I think most people have a very hard time being kind to themselves. Just start today trying to figure out what that means to you, and how to do it. I'm still learning about it, and the moments that I do manage to be in the present, with a warm, loving regard for myself, it is so grounding and sweet. It is truly the best thing! It has taken a long time to figure it out, and having small moments of self compassion has shown me that it might be the key to getting through depression!
I have never heard before that suicidal ideation is just an intense desire for change, it makes a whole lot of sense with that explanation and helps minimize the fear around it, thanks for mentioning it and I totally agree that self-compassion and increasing ones self-worth are really important for healing.
When I heard that, it made so much sense. And, it takes some of the darkness away from from thoughts around suicide; it's not about self negation, but a yearning for a different set of circumstances and feelings. I'm so glad you found it helpful, and I wish everyone knew this so they could share it with the ever growing number of people who have suicidal ideation. It has helped me so much in contextualizing/reframing those feelings, and given me back some agency. 💜
Totally agree and want to thank you for sharing it. You might do your own separate post in it for everyone to read, I think it's quite valuable and it is a pretty common issue here.
I can only hope love will return to me so quickly. I waited a decade to find a love like this and I am so afraid I will not find it again. I am so scared. I still have to see him almost every day and it's like a new hole in my heart. He seems so fine, I know he tells me he just suppresses his emotions but it's difficult to be a wreck and to watch your best friend appear unimpacted. I've lost so much weight. I pray I can find a job and I can be healthy enough to work it so I can leave. At the same time I don't won't to go and Everytime I pack a box I sob. Sleeping on the guest room is so hard. My cats seem so confused as they love him too. This move was so hard on them, they are getting older too. I know it's not helpful but I wish he would just take it back and say stay.
First of all, u am so sorry about the loss of your best friend. I lost my brother and even though separated we were trying to work it out. I had no support from him losing Jay. I decided he wasn't the one. You got this girl! A little advice, learned the hard way. As a woman you have to create a life and allow someone to be part of it. Don't let a man be your strength. Get counseling, I have a great one. It's virtual. She has helped me realize so much about myself and helped me strengthen my life. Depression is tough. I have lived with it over 20 yrs. Get your power back. Go walking, pray if you believe in God. If not, I pray you find Him. Blessings to you. I believe in you.
I'm so sorry about all these things you are going through.Suicidal ideation is just one more symptom of depression it's just at the bottom. For me it's just wanting the pain to stop.
Just remember that the pain will get better. There's a little 5-minute self-compassion meditation on insight timer that I like. I'm sure there are others elsewhere. And spoil yourself a little bit. Do those things that bring you comfort when you most feel down. Keep up your good coping choices.
Reaching out on here helps.
I guess it's not financially possible for you to stay in the house and for him to move.
I still remember my last break up and it's been a while but it was devastating. But your heart will heal. Take good care.
no unfortunately it is his house. he has made a point to travel a ton and leave me alone and in some ways that is worse. im doing the best i can. i feel very alone here.
I know you do feel alone. And it's terrible that he's the one that messed up everything and you're the one having to move. He should help you out, he caused the situation. If it was a divorce, he d have to.Can you talk to a lawyer Maybe? You gave up your place and he broke the agreement.
He will let me stay as long as i need, I think he will pay for movers within reason ( if i don't have to move back to my parents states away etc). He wanted to buy my furniture because it looks good in the house and as much as I could use the money I sort of hate the idea of giving up everything i've worked for to him. I'm not thinking the clearest but i figured i'd just stay try and be civil, try really hard to get a job, and if he got irritated and tried to kick me out I'd make him start the process of evicting me. I live in a state with a lot of protections so it might take a bit. So at least i'd have some time. My family is pressuring me to do things NOW NOW NOW, and im just trying to get healthy first.
I am so sorry for how hard things are right now. Yes, you deserve better and you will find it in time. We are here to support you. Just my two cents, but what helps me in tough times is making lists. Think about the smallest steps you can take to move forward and write them down and then checking them off as you do them feels so good - at least that works for me. Again, I'm so sorry - this sounds incredibly hard.
All the steps feel so big right now. Find job, find new place to live, figure out how to pay bills, pack up everything I own, find out how to afford medicine with insurance, any advice on smaller things I can put on list to feel like I am accomplishing anything? I feel so utterly overwhelmed. And I know that is why I can't eat. And why everything seems to hard I can't focus on the first step.
I am applying for jobs every day. It's been deflating to receive so much rejection. And then to be rejected by my partner. And to be in so much debt I'm at this cross section of pay bills, pay cobra so I can afford meds to not get worse. I'm still thinking clearly enough to know these are all BIG problems but it's hard to focus on getting healthy when it feels like the world is crumbling around me
The best advice I've heard is to break things down into the smallest steps possible, and then break them down even more. What's the smallest step you can take towards finding a job? Maybe it's looking at 1 job posting - that's step 1 - then deciding if you should apply - that's step 2, etc... I don't know if that helps. For me, I work well on timed things. Like if I know there's something I need to do, but don't want to, I'll say - I'm just going to do it for 5 minutes then take a break. Sometimes after 5 minutes I have momentum to do more but, if not, it's ok - at least I've done something. Hang in there. I hope things get better soon.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with so many difficulties at once. In my opinion, anyone in your situation would experience depression. In the long term, things can only improve from here, I believe. Please treat yourself as you would treat a treasured friend,
Yes it did not help that I was depressed before the breakup happened. I was already worsening with the stress of the move and looking for a job and the deceit just sent me spiraling. I hope this is the bottom and I'm headed upward. I'm usually such a forward thinking person. Always future oriented, fifteen steps ahead. That's why it's so confusing and difficult that I can't see my future at all anymore. I hope I feel better soon.
If you have always been forward thinking and 15 steps ahead, these strengths will eventually benefit you in moving forward. Too me, it does not seem confusing that you are in this state.. In my mind, I think who wouldn't find themselves lost and depressed going through what you are facing? I like to think that we all pass through seasons in our lives. We all experience highs and lows. I hope that you get through this difficult time soon.
It's really hard, the person you want to tell how bad you feel is the person making you feel bad, sat here with my ex, friend zoned nearly a decade ago and she left for someone else ,this probably isn't helping but so many of us have been there or are going through itI have a feeling you will be ok though
yes he is my best friend and he has put up such a wall, he is a shell of himself now. one day he dropped the shell and he cried and he was himself for the rest of the night and i felt so much better. i know how codependent I was. I have such a hole in me we was such a big part of my every day I want to share every great thing and every bad thing. I hope I feel better soon.
I'm really sorry dear. You sound like an amazing girl. I know it's dark right now and you're allowed to grieve. You will find someone better. And a better job and place. And if you bought it toghether, you can ask for your part. Sorry if it sounds incoherent, I'm struggling myself. But I'm rooting for you and i believe things will work out. Meanwhile you're allowed to grieve. Hugs sweetheart
Yes, acceptance is SO challenging. I know it is happening, I know so badly i don't want it to- that i want him to change his mind and us to work it out. This was supposed to be my forever home. But I need to focus on me and getting healthy. Thanks for the support
It’s very sad but I’ve found through years of experience that I’m better off being self sufficient. I’ve learned that the only one we can truly count on is ourselves. My family members are always there when I’m in need but I feel so alone. I feel more alone than ever.
Unfortunately I'm not the closest with my family or the have a habit of somehow managing to make me feel even worse. I think there is a combination reason I have the depression I do ( nature + nurture). Yes, with the gaping hole in me I know I need to be less codependent. Today I'm sitting on the sofa watch football with him and I almost started crying while helping make food in the kitchen (cooking together was my favorite thing). It's hard still being here because some part of me has hope. I know it's over, but my brain needs to tell that to my heart. I'm sorry you feel alone too. I'm not even alone today but I might as well be because an ice cube is sitting next to me.
I’ve been diagnosed with three clinical mental illness’, the nature of it as its genetic as well as nurture, we were conditioned. I’m only describing how I cope with it. I’ve got a physical disability as well. I do know how it feels to have a partner disconnecting and I wish I could help you cope with it all.
I wish I could take anyone's pain away. I do my best to help others feel better partially because it's a distraction from my own pain. Many people I know are very good at putting up walls. I never learned how to do that. I have a big open heart. I love fully
I too have a big heart and take loss very hard. I’m going through losing who I thought was my soul mate. It’ll be ok, I promise. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow but it will be.
hi wishfulthoughts, first ik what it’s like to love someone as I have been struggling with my own feelings for 9 years. Even so it almost killer me literally. What stopped me was my family, friends, and a lot of therapy, meds and meditation. I am also trying to surround myself with animals mostly cats and dogs since they are very therapeutic. I hope all goes well for you and know you are not alone
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