This is who I am

[KennyMara]

I am constantly sad. Even when I am happy I feel guilty about it. For some reason I’m a loser. I never feel satisfied with the way my life is and I’m lagging behind some of my peers. I’ve made so many wrong decisions concerning my life and my body. I wish for death but I don’t because I don’t trust what the afterlife may hold.

I say I’m a Christian but I find myself doubting God. Somedays I feel so lifted in the spirit and I sing praises and bless His name. I feel grateful for the little I have and for the grace bestowed upon me. Other days I feel so much rage and pain and wonder why the world was created to fail in the first place. If there’s any justice and why I was put on earth to sufffer for the sins of ancestors ages past.

Most of my friends and family tease me that I’m strong. They don’t know how much I cry. They don’t know I have flirted with death in my mind. You might say I should talk to them but they talk to me about their problems and I comfort them. I am a huge lump of sad clay.

I’ve tried cutting myself but it made me more depressed because I couldn’t even succeed at that. I hate pain. I want to die so bad but I feel like I’m destined for eternal pain because I’ve by some fault of mine mismanaged opportunities life has given me.

I’m aggressive, sweet, generous, kind, funny, crazy. I am every emotion when I need to be. I am the perfect chameleon. I don’t even know who I am deep down because I fit into whatever environment is thrown at me. The only thing I am sure of is that I’m a sad loser.

Everyone thinks I’m hardcore and strong. I motivate people. I preach to people. But I have lost hope on the inside. I tell people the things I should tell myself. The only difference is that it soothes them not me.

I don’t know why I’m here. I watch porn sometimes just to feel something. I date older married men because I don’t want the pain of rejection. With dating them I already understand that they’re not mine and if they leave it’s not because I’m not good enough. It’s simply because they were never mine. Everyone thinks I’m morally upright but my mind is as amoral as it comes. I’ve had an abortion for a married lover and the pain still haunts me till today. I killed my first child even before if I knew if it was a boy or girl. From the car I was led to the doctor then to the operating table. I never even gave myself the chance to think it through. After the doctor was done I couldn’t look at my excavated baby in the petridish beside me. I wish I had.

My mind. My warped mind. I’ve succeeded in creating a safe place in my mind. I create happy endings to my daily activities. In my mind, I am constantly in another place where I am happy, fulfilled and far away from my self made problems. I lose focus easily. I’m constantly day dreaming. It’s so bad aometimes I create pseudo identities on social media platforms where I give life to my imaginations. For a while I was a biracial lady married to an older man with two children. Another time I was a young lady with protective brothers and wealthy. One time I was a beautiful lady hurt by a man she didn’t know was married. Another time I am a woman with a devious and abusive spouse.

Most times I can’t wait to run to my safe place and imagine what life ought to be for me. Where I have a beautiful life surrounded by love and peace. I’m constantly daydreaming and would rather lay in bed imagining what it ought to be than deal with what is.

My family is not bad at all. It’s weird though because my siblings have cut themselves from depression. Wow. Now I see we are somewhat a mess. But my parents are good and Godly and have done their best. I will never put down good people because I’m looking for a reason for my inadequacies.

I want to reach out for help but I ask myself if I’m just being petty. After all, I’m alive, breathing, working, all my senses intact, surrounded by friends and family. Afterall, there are people out there with real life issues such as famine and war so who the hell am I to feel bad about anything? I mean, I have food and I can eat. What else is there to life?

I’m rambling now, forgive me. I’m just losing it daily and with each year I add I feel worse. Sometimes I feel I’ll go mental from suppressing my thoughts. I’ve thought of seeing a therapist but what exactly will I say is my ailment? Greed? A false sense of entitlement? Needing love? What is wrong with me if not a lack of contentment???????!!!!

I just hate me. I am a hazard to myself. I am unmotivated, lazy, a daydreamer, a procrastinator, disorganized et al. My appearance, my actions and my thoughts. I just hate me and feel like the world is not my home. I hate me very much.

[Mary-intussuception]

Do you believe that you are forgiven?

[KennyMara in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Mary I truly don’t know anymore. I feel because God can read my innermost thoughts he knows I doubt him sometimes and that in itself is unforgivable.

[Mary-intussuception in reply to KennyMara]

No, doubting Him isn't unforgivable. Many people have doubts.

If you tell God you are sorry for all the past wrongs, He will forgive you.

No matter what you do or say, you cannot make God love you any less or more than He Loves you now.

Yes, He does know our innermost thoughts and still loves us.

Because He knows us well - He knows what's best for us and that's why we need to be guided by Him.

God Loves you, with perfect Love - just as you are. Please let Him help.

Please believe you are forgiven, accept, receive His forgiveness and Love.

Allow Him to heal you and continue to praise & thank Him everyday. Whenever you make a mistake or slip back into 'old' ways just come back to Him. Christians aren't perfect - we just know that we are forgiven.

You need to grieve your child, as the loss of a loved one. Accept forgiveness and move forward with your life with the Lord as your guide & helper.

You are Precious and Loved. xXx.

God Bless x ♡

[Hidden]

Hey KennyMara, I’m so sorry that you are in a tough time at the moment. You say that you are Christian, do you not believe that god can forgive you? Do you have a minister or priest that you can talk to about the guilt you are feeling?

I understand feeling like your problems are not as valid as other people’s but everyone has different problems.

Please go and see a doctor about the way you are feeling as it sounds like you are suffering from depression. Therapy may also be a good option to talk about the guilt you feel.

[KennyMara in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words. I live in an environment where people believe if you aren’t roaming naked on the streets you’re not having mental health issues. They also equate depression to lacking money.

I don’t go to church anymore because I feel the sermons are monotonous and the preachers have become money driven. I keep saying I’ll search for a church that fits but on sunday mornings I’ll rather lay in bed at peace with my fantasies. I just do not trust preachers and prophets.

I should get professional help but most times I ask myself “what is really wrong with me?” and because I can’t answer this properly, I shelve the idea.

[Hidden in reply to KennyMara]

I completely understand. It sucks that people can’t understand mental health issues properly - it makes recovery so much more difficult.

At those times when you ask yourself what is wrong with you you need to remember that depression is an illness, not unlike a cold. Would you not go to the doctor because you couldn’t understand why you have a cold - probably not. There doesn’t have to be a reason for depression for me it was a bad childhood experience and bad genetics, it also can be caused by an imbalance in chemicals within the brain.

I know it’s scary admitting that you need help but the sooner you reach out to someone the sooner you will feel better.

[KennyMara in reply to Hidden]

You’ve touched me deeply. Thank you Giraffe. It’s a lot of factors in one preventing me from physically getting help. I’ll rather be anonymous than face a person and reveal my innermost thoughts I’m already ashamed of. Hopefully with a platform like this, I’ll learn to take the necessary baby steps leading up to my salvation.

[Hidden in reply to KennyMara]

I’m so glad that I’ve helped you. Just take one small step at a time. We are all fighting the same battle here.

[Hidden]

You deserve to give yourself a break, appreciate yourself, be kind to yourself, and find something in life to believe in....doesn't need to be God or a god. We all make mistakes, sometimes we have to pretend we're strong, and sometimes we clutch on to what feels secure. Sometimes we make a mistake that we feel is the worst thing in the world....and the issue with the unborn child could make you feel that way. But you need to forgive yourself. We live, we learn, and we hopefully grow.

It sounds like you just need to find and clutch the positive points in life that may be small portions coming from out of the darkness that you feel surrounded by. You are taking on so much. They're the same problems that everyone from the greatest thinkers to those with the worst problems deal with. You have to give yourself a break and start taking smaller steps so you can address all that makes you feel this way. If you haven't already and feel safe doing so, find a counselor to begin working through all of the above. You're going to find a sanctuary of self-kindness in doing so. Treating yourself better, building up your own strength, forgiving yourself for the past, and finding a better tomorrow.

Even the biggest ego in the world can question their faith, their decisions, feel bad, and so on. You aren't a sad loser, you said what you really are...a sweet, generous, kind person. You need to focus on the positives of who you are rather than reaching for the ultimatum categorization of yourself that is absolutely false. It's easy to fall down, let others make it feel worse, make mistakes, and then have others make it feel worse. Then we can sit in the mud, never believing tomorrow offers another chance at this crazy thing called life. When you seek help, as you have here (kudos), you find a hand lifting your from all of that. Underneath all of the burdens you hold and carry, is who you are...and the person you described....a good person.

Please try to find a counselor or therapist if you can because I think it would do you a world of good to hear from someone who can reassure you that your story is somewhat similar to others and that you are far from a loser. Take it easy on yourself. Each day take a small step forward....even if it's just an inch. I feel your story and it breaks my heart to hear someone feel this bad. It will take some work, but there is redemption....and it just takes an inch here and there. Please let me know how it all goes and if I can ever offer myself as an outlet on here, feel free to PM me or reach out via a post. You'll find so many people who believe you can and will find the better you at the end of this....the support really helps. Don't give up because things can get better.

[KennyMara in reply to Hidden]

Veritas I visited your page and smiled. I too delete and destroy things around me when I get into that mood, only for me to try to restore it much later. A few times I’ve truly burnt important bridges that never quite match the original design after my shoddy reconstruction.

You brought tears to my eyes with your reply. I’m currently in bed unmotivated to get to work because I feel worn out and tired. I should seek help but I feel safer reaching out anonymously. I definitely should seek professional help. But how am I even going to express myself to a visible outsider?

Thank you Veritas and although it’s been less than 24hours since I joined this platform, responses like yours and others I’ve so far received make me feel a bit warm and safe.

[Hidden in reply to KennyMara]

I'm so glad you joined so that the many other great people who have been in similar shoes could let you know you aren't alone. Sounds like we have a lot in common and, fortunately, it's all perfectly normal. Oddly enough, I also have been struggling to get to work and fighting that worn out, tired feeling. Just worn to the bone. So I totally get what you're feeling there.

As for expressing yourself to a visible outsider, you're just going to have to take a blind leap of faith...and I mean that in the best way. If your work has an employee assistance program or you use a therapist as a recommendation from your insurance (not sure if you're in the States or elsewhere), they might be able to match you up with someone who best fits your specific issues. I would do a good deep search and read up on someone that strikes you as a good candidate. I always did that before selecting a therapist. I have an easier time talking to females for some reason (coming from the guy who could never approach a woman at a bar without stammering....), so there's a lot to consider...but the best part is you get to choose based on what will make you feel the most comfortable. The first few sessions could feel anxious, nervous, and so on, but as you continue and form a good relationship, you'll feel like you're paying for a professional best friend who helps you see things with much more clarity. I really know this will be tough given your story, but there's so much promise for you.

I'm humbly happy that my reply has helped in anyway. As much as you feel so much holding you down, sad, and tired, there's better days ahead. I promise. And, really, forgive yourself for everything....it's a new day with new opportunities that you may even need to open your eyes wider so you don't miss them. As for the forgiveness, I really think it's a paramount of any religion or spirituality to be capable of redemption. I'm agnostic, but I swear I still talk to someone "out there" during tough times, the good times, and the meh times. Funny how that works. No one gets to tell you that you aren't worthy of this forgiveness, redemption, resolve, and a better life...because that's truly down to you and whomever you ask it from.

I'll end on this note...start today thinking I'm a pretty damned good person. You aren't a loser. Today is the day we shed that title and began the path towards the amazing person you are at heart. Journal all the good stuff if you have to and rekindle it each night! Negativity is purely acknowledged and put in the "done" or "recycle bin". Again, it's an absolute pleasure to just tell you the truth and throw some advice in. Please take care and do me a huge favor and have a great day.

[SammulBaloch]

KennyMara, Sorry to hear about your conditions, That's exactly what happens to me.

Recently I've recieved a gold medal for topping in my class, And my friends call me an inspiration for them, but on the other hand I felt unhappy a kind of guilt, I feel like I don't deserve it and consider myself worthless.

I don't know how to escape from this condition, I keep accusing my self everytime. It can't explain how I feel.

I just want to say you that you are not alone, most of us who have reached to this site are facing same issues, and we can truly understand you.

[KennyMara in reply to SammulBaloch]

SB you are intelligent and kind. I really do hope we can take this walk together and break through this cycle uncertainty and self loathing. Thank you SB.

[Needtovent]

Have you heard of project Rachel? Google it. If the Catholic affiliation bothers you, I'm sure there are non Catholic, similar groups. I've heard this is very compassionate and perhaps just what you need. Hugs to you.