Who am I ?

[Loki1018]

Driving around in the rain today did a few run around errands. It’s gloomy and rainy where I’m went to Hobby Lobby to pick up a journal 📔 because I’m going back to writing at that this point I think it will be good since so much goes on in my head that by the time I get to my next appointment with my therapist I can’t recall anything of what I wanted to speak about.

Anxiety and depression have taken its toll on my memory unfortunately. My bipolar doesn’t help the situation anymore. Times I’m am euphoric and happy and then comes the crashing down to the lows.

As I was walking through the store looking for a nice journal to pick from there was a very relaxing music playing. I began to just wonder.... how the hell did I end up here? I mean how did I become this person who I don’t even recognize anymore. I’m sooo lost and I find myself constantly looking for my old self. The one who just got on with life, laughed all the time, careless, risk taking, and loved waking up in the mornings and getting the day on.

I am no longer half of that.... I know that at that point in time I was in a manic phase for years..... I did a lot of stupid and risky things. Stuff that could have cost me my life but I was always happy, of course living on the edge, but I miss that person.

Now anxiety has taken a grip on my life, guilt, sadness, and anger boy oh boy everything manifests into anger. My anxiety gives into anger, my depression I set off like a bomb in anger, my highs and lows when not stable I’m am angry on a rage of rampage.

I don’t know who I am anymore, I just know I keep on trying to find that one person who I was at one point in life... not dependent on medication, moods weren’t as unstable at least from me looking out but to others I was always told I was a little firecracker 🧨. I get sad and angry for this is where I have come to at a point in life.

[Hidden]

I read a book that gave some pretty decent advice. Said to look back at a time where you can say “that was me!” Then become that person again. Of course I can’t become a punk skater in my older age but I suppose to live careless like I did.

Not sure if this helps, but your post reminded me of this.

[Hidden]

You may never be that person again but you will be renewed and wiser. It's growth. Getting through the hard times makes us stronger better people. I don't want to live a ho hum life. I'd rather tackle obstacles and get strength and wisdom from it.

[Kkimm in reply to Hidden]

Well said!

[Loki1018]

Thanks both of you but the thing is life has put me through so much obstacles and bumpy rides that I’m exhausted from it all. I was always the rock in tough times with my family but like the saying goes “even cement cracks” I’m just lost and tired, burnt out at this point. No motivation but yet I search for it everyday, I decide to keep on going but at times I just don’t want to anymore.

I am now 31 and look back and yes those where the good ol’ days but I just want the life where I didn’t have to take a pill for this and that.

[Hidden in reply to Loki1018]

I want that life too. A life before my breakdown, weight gain, alcoholism and my husbands unemployment but that won't happen. I have to just pick up the pieces and take care of my child the best I can. I will never be the same but I can be better and still enjoy what I have now. It's only a waste of time to wish for the impossible.

[hypercat54]

Hi I thought most people with bi polar needed to take mood stablisers to even out their highs and lows? If it is a choice between taking a pill to help you or suffering I know which I would choose. After all if you were an athlete who broke your leg would you refuse treatment so you could run again? No of course you wouldn't. Your choice though, x

[Loki1018 in reply to hypercat54]

Very true I do take my mood stabilizers but once your on them that’s it. When I was going through transition off of one and going to a new one the down ward spiral I went through was 100 times worse then ever not being on meds to begin with.

The way I felt was crazy nothing before meds and that is why it gets to me being medication dependent. I work I. The medical field so I have knowledge on how it all plays out in the body.

I take my meds everyday and at times I may have to take my second dose of the day a few hours before it’s even due, and if I forget to take a dose because I fell asleep the next morning I feel off.

That’s all I’m saying.