I am just starting. No idea what to expect. I just need someone who ‘gets it’. Today I could hardly get out of bed. I felt I had no reason to. Today I hate my life. Crazy enough because I have a husband who loves me but also is crushing me. I’m raising 3 grandchildren who are wonderful. Except for the autism and learning disability. I live in a good (enough) home. But I hate myself, my marriage, and my life. I don’t know what to do. I don’t go anywhere. I can’t read a book. I can’t draw anymore. I just worry. And feel oppressed.
Welcome to the forum. I think you will find someone here who gets it.
It's an odd thing with depression. We can be living our best lives and yet still hate ourselves. I guess it's impostor syndrome. We don't think we deserve this good thing. This can't possibly be for us. At the same time we have to keep up a front door those around us. Because we don't want them to worry. We smile and laugh and it appears all is well. But on the inside it's always raining.
Sometimes yes, our love ones can be a little bit much. Maybe it's because they don't know what to do or how to help. That's even if they know if anything is wrong.
I don't have children but I do have a partner whom I been with for over a decade. He can be a little much at times.
Feel free to share as much as you want. You are in a safe place.
No I am not. I’ve tried therapists over the years but it is usually superficial. I need more than to go in and chat. I suppose that is partly my fault. I think I could use someone who does more with behavior therapy. I just don’t know how to find that person.
Hi and welcome to your forum from me too.Don't blame yourself for not finding the "right" therapist.
Sometimes we don't click or we don't have the mental energy to fully engage in therapy by doing the work in and out of our sessions.
If you want to try again, perhaps you put together a list of questions to ask your potential therapist e.g. do you have experience with behavioural activation therapy (BAT) or how will treat my kind of depression?
Some therapists have a website that mentions the therapies they use. If not, you can mention you have a preference for one type over the other.
I hope and🙏 that will soon find your guide for the journey of recovery.
True, I need that list of questions. I need a goal but have not really found it. It seems each time I go, we spend the whole session just catching up from last time but never getting ahead.
I definitely get you!! These illness are so hard just to manage day by day, it's like we have ourselves then we have this bag of illnesses that stays in a bag that we have to carry around. I hope you find the right therapist that will lighten the load of life. I too had to leave a therapy team recently bc I felt they were negligent and wasn't understanding my illnesses. So I too am searching for a new one close by. Wishing you success!!
Your post made me think of Burnout by Emily Nagoski and her daughter. I am sorry that you currently feel at that you hate yourself, your husband, and your life. It sounds like you need some time for yourself on a consistent basis, to read a book and recharge so that you can draw. I hope that you live in a supportive area, with friends, community, government, or faith services that can help take some of the huge load off of your shoulders, even if just enough to give you time to relax and recharge.
Thanks. You sound like you do get it! You all are making me see I do need to find a therapist ASAP. My husband is a good person but he doesn’t understand. He takes it personally, like it’s his fault. I feel like that is just another burden put on me. Helping him when I am already sinking.
I do loose control sometimes. Even when I think I’m hiding it I think those in my household see it. But I’ve had depression for many years.
Just a quick recommendation that if possible you consider trying to set up at least an initial appointment with 3 or even just 2 therapists. I have had way too many bad first dates with therapists who told me to just tell then everything - try to avoid this if possible especially because I think a lot of benefits from therapy come from the sustained dialogue - no quick fix, and many of those first sessions have been brutally draining both mentally and physically. A number of the online providers have discounts for the first month and some even have initial free consults. Take a bit of control the therapy to see of there is a good fit before diving into details. Video meetings make this much easier, although I acknowledge I would prefer in person but at least in my area in person meetings are significantly more expensive and harder to schedule.
And you are correct; anger is an issue. I am angry about a lot of things. Most of which I cannot change and I need to learn how to deal with. Funny that no one has ever mentioned that to me before.
So I started the search. The first one has no opening. Others at her facility don’t accept my insurance. Great. Tomorrow I will try another.
Great to hear you have started looking. Sooner or later a door will open for you to walk through and get the therapy started 🤞
Hi Zelda. When someone mentioned professional help, you said no.
Do you have a physiatrist?
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I used to. She prescribed an antidepressant. I was on them for over 10 years. I saw her for 15 minutes every few months. Finally I very slowly took myself off of the medication. I just felt like I had no idea who I would be if I were not on medication. Even with medication, I still could find myself very deeply depressed. This past summer I weaned myself off with no serious side effects. And now I find I’m really not that much different than when I was taking them. I do still take a super small dose of anxiety medication most days, but not all. And so I still experience, serious, depression and anxiety. But I don’t see the medication made that much difference.
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As we all know recommended medications is a pretty tricky thing. I will tell you that if you are still suffering , as I have for too long, then maybe you haven’t found the right cocktail mixture that connects those wires that are not quite right .
For me Ive been to a half dozen physciatrists over a 25 year period, suffering mightly with insane constant weights inside my skull anxiety , bouts of depression , and out of this world ruminations.
Couldn’t take it anymore and went to a hospital inn 2022 and they changed everything med wise. Most importantly greatly increasing my anxiety med.
I’ve had 90% relief in all 3 categories. I’m a decently educated man with pretty good problem solving skills but I’ve never experienced anything as complex as the world of mental health medications. What they try. How much. Side affects. Can be mind boggling .
If you feel crappy I say keep trying. Do your homework better than I ever did. Many of my docs were so passive. The hospital took my Busiprone for anxiety med from 10mg to 30mg and I’m now at 60 mg, with amazing results. I did go thru a manic episode, since a bipol like me can be thrown into that on a thing like drastic med changes. They changed me from Lithium that was just kind of helping with the depression and destroying my kidney to something much safer and way better results.
If your hurtin. Keep searching. Holistic, meditations, breathing, supplements and possibly meds.
Never except less than feeling at least decent if not great like me. If it can happen for me , why not anybody?
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Did not really know what I said here 
I Can’t Get Better.
I can’t do it - I can’t do this life 
how I’m feeling 
I can’t do this anymore! 
