I’m a bad mom

[strawberrysundaex]

So I have a daughter who will be 3 in October, and the only time I’ve felt a connection with her is when I was in the hospital with her, I spent a day in hospital and every single day I just wish I could go back to that moment when it was just me and her because it’s a moment I will always treasure forever, I would honestly pick that 1 moment a billion times over these past 3 years of feeling like how I do with her now, when we spent our first night home as a family with my partner it was lovely but I could tell something just wasn’t right, the next day I cried all day but I think that was down to my hormones being everywhere and just being tired, but by the end of the week I just didn’t feel like myself, I wouldn’t go near her because every time I did she would cry but she wouldn’t cry when my partner held her, I ended up distancing myself from both of them and I would just go out and go for a drive to the shops and walk around for abit to try and clear my head, I had visits with the health visitor and she said to keep an eye and that I have post natal depression but it is normal to feel how I feel right now, so anyway fast forward to Christmas 2021 she was 2 months old and I still just didn’t feel a connection I TRIED so hard to speak to my family but I was made to feel guilty about the fact I was saying I just don’t love my baby and she doesn’t love me because it was true how I felt, so anyway Boxing Day came along and I forced myself to go with my partner to see his family because again I was made to feel guilty for never making the effort to see his side of the family, so I went and when I got there I just wanted to cry I was made to feel so unwelcome, not one of them asked me how I was, I sat in a room full of people who was praising my partner, saying how much of a daddy’s girl she is, saying how good of a dad he was, saying how she looked like him and not me, my partner even said at one point when you see pictures of me she definitely looks like her mom aswell, and his sister looked me up and down and was like “mmm no I don’t see it” also he asked me if I wanted to hold her so I said yeah okay as long as that’s okay, so as soon as he passed her to me she started screaming the house down and his mom came over and grabbed her off me and started to rock her and she was still screaming and then she was like “aw you just want to go back to daddy don’t you” so anyways after that encounter I drove home holding my tears in and I got home ran upstairs and just cried and cried, and I expect that his family will be praising him etc, but as a girl with post natal depression at the time wasn’t the best thing and it was even worse that I was forced into that situation, so anyway 2022 I still felt the same and I tried to speak to a doctor and when I walked in with her he just said “well you look fine with her to me” I didn’t feel I was getting help from any body after trying a few times to get help from doctors, so I just plodded on, as the years have gone by it’s just got progressively worse especially because she’s now getting older and I can see how much of a bond she has with her dad, and I’m kinda pushed to the side, everything she does she wants to do with daddy, and cries if it’s me that does it with her, even putting her to bed I can’t do that because she screams the house down, when she’s hurt herself she won’t let me cuddle her and help because she wants daddy to, when I’m not at work and I’m at home with her when she wakes up she cries cause daddy’s not there, we was on our first family holiday last week and she was constantly asking where daddy was when he wasn’t in the room, when she was waking up in the night I tried to help and she was just shouting no at me and saying she wants daddy, so as you can see it’s making things really difficult for me now because honestly, I just feel as though the world would be better off without me, I feel like maybe it’s me who’s the problem, maybe if I hadn’t of had post natal depression in the first place I’d of been a good mom, but now I just feel like I’m a bad mom, and as the years go by it’s just making me feel worse, it’s turned into depression and I just can’t take her anywhere on my own and I won’t go round my partners family with her because I get bad anxiety that she’s going to show me up again, yes I’m jealous of my partner having that relationship with my daughter because that should be me, she should see me as her best friend and we should be inseparable, but we’re far from it, she’s closer to my mom than me, I do feel as though sometimes my family did have a lot to say when she was born, I was told not to cuddle her too much, so I didn’t even though I really wanted to, so I do resent them sometimes because if I’d of just took no notice and cuddled her as much as I wanted we would have that bond, I just honestly don’t know what to do, I’m so sorry that it’s so long to anybody reading this but I’m just really struggling and being on that holiday last week should of been amazing memories but they wasn’t for me, it was just a reminder that mommy’s not wanted yet again.

[LoveforAll41]

strawberrysundae, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Three years is a long long time to deal with this burden. What a hard feeling to be dealing with. I hope you can recognize that you are her biological mother, you cannot be replaced. Your worth is not tied to you being a mother. Your worth is not tied to you being the preferred parent of your child. It sounds like you are fulfilling your responsibility of caring for your daughter, her emotions are out of your control. If you are doing your part as a caretaker you are not a bad mom. You are not a bad mom if she prefers dad. You are not a bad mom if your family and in-laws think she is a daddy's girl.

I don't know if you have the energy to do so, I would try to take her on some activities that she enjoys. The zoo or to the swings every day. My daughter prefers my wife when she is around, but if i take her on outings she has fun. That is some special time for us at the playground or swinging. If I am rocking her to sleep she is usually pouting for mom, but I love my wife too and understand. I say things like"Mom is the best isn't she" or "Mom is so nice, I miss her too". I don't know if you are still feeling good about your husband or not and could comfortably do this or not...

Are you able to talk about this with your husband? There probably isn't a lot he can do, but hopefully he can empathize that you have some hard emotions to deal with and have been dealing with for years now.

I know this, you are not a bad mom. I also think therapy is not a bad idea. It helps us deal with and understand the hard emotions. I also know your worth does not come from being a "good" mother. You offer what you have to offer, change what you can change, and accept what you cannot. Your daughter has at least 13+ more years with you, you can build the type of relationship you would like. I would also caution you against trying to be your daughter's friend. I think as parents we are better off being a sturdy person that can enforce hard things for the welfare of our children, as well as being someone they can trust. Sorry for the long response, my wife has a lot of hard emotions trying to be a "good" mom, and it is just unrealistic to try to do everything right all the time. I wish you hope and peace. ☮️

[strawberrysundaex in reply to LoveforAll41]

thankyou so much, I definitely have tried to speak to him about it but like you say he can’t do much about it, children have their own feelings and emotions and I need to try and get passed that, I think after so long I just get upset and deflated when I hear her telling her dad she loves him but doesn’t say it to me, I do a lot of activities with her but she asks about daddy a lot, but I don’t want it to come across as I’m really bitter towards him, I’m not but I do wish she could be like that with me sometimes

[strawberrysundaex in reply to LoveforAll41]

also Thankyou for taking the time out to reply to me, it means a lot

[strawberrysundaex]

I think maybe I just feel like I can’t be helped, Thankyou so much for taking the time out to reply to me it means a lot

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

This postpartum depression and it's a lot common than people think. The problem is that people don't talk about because of shame and guilt. Because they think when you have a baby, you are automatically in love with the baby and it just stays with you. But it doesn't.

I agree seeking out a professional who specializes in postpartum. To help you navigate your feelings and help you cultivate loving feelings towards your child. Your baby girl is going through separation anxiety when her daddy goes off to work. Since she's very close.

I don't believe you are beyond help. That's depression talking there. You can be help and you can have a loving relationship with your baby girl. I'm sorry people around you help made you feel like your a terrible mother. You are not. You are just struggling that's all. But that doesn't mean you are a bad mama.

Wishing you healing and love 🫂❤️

[-Charlie]

Hi strawberrysundaex,

Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Your daughter is barely 3, and there is plenty of time for you to bond with her. I didn’t bond with my first born as he cried from the minute he was born up until 14 months as he had severe colic. Even when the colic ended we had missed some quality bonding so I felt there was a disconnect between us and worried we’d never be close. That all ended when we made up for lost time between 3-4 years of age and all was made right in time. I felt very guilty about the time lost though so I know how you feel. It brings on a lot of guilt and shame.

I was with my kids 24/7 so naturally their Dad was the fun one who got to fly in and be the favorite in my house too. Please don’t take it personally, it’s just how kids are and in no way is it a reflection on you as a mom. That happens in more household than you know.

Postpartum depression is real though so if you suspect that’s what’s going on, talk to your doctor. It’s hard enough having a toddler let alone adding depression into the mix.

I wish you and your daughter much love. It does get easier and pretty soon she be off to kindergarten and you’ll be wishing to turn back time so try to enjoy the moments you two have together. Take care of yourself and your little one. It will get easier and you ARE a good mom..you wouldn’t be here concerned about it if you weren’t. Many blessings xx