Hard Night

[laurenmontgom]

I'm having a very hard night. Hard couple of months actually. I've been off medication since last October, and haven't been seeing my psychiatrist or therapist because I'm saving money for ECT procedures. But the last couple of months have been a huge decline. I haven't washed my hair or my face in weeks. I lay alone in a dark room all day. I don't return texts from friends. I live with my mom and I spend all my time alone. I'm afraid it will always be like this. That the ECT won't work and I'll just be this ghost forever. I made myself a promise that I'll wash my hair tomorrow, that I'll feel better afterwards but I already feel myself going back on that promise because I just don't care enough. I don't care about anything. I should feel lucky that at least I'm brushing my teeth every day. I don't want to be in my body anymore, I want a new body with a new brain. I don't want to be up at 3 a.m. crying and hating myself. I'm sick of the way I'm living but the thought of living any other way is terrifying. I don't know how to get out of my rut and just try living again. I don't think I can.

[laurenmontgom]

I just want to be numb. I've been dealing with this depression for 10 years and I'm so tired of feeling it.

[Hidden]

Lauren,

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way and that your mind continues to lay yourself out as someone without value. None of this is true. If the medication was working for you, I would definitely see if there are any plans that cover most or all of the case of the medication. If you explain to your psychiatrist or therapist your situation, many of them will offer discounted visits (this happened to my sister who fell off my parent's insurance) to maintain your well being. If the meds work of course and you feel the benefits of seeing these doctors. I think you should at least try to make a visit because it would appear you've declined a bit to save money for your future treatments.

While I know it's hard being depressed and not being able to see the light, an end to suffering daily, and so on, please keep pressing on because the light could come any minute, any hour, or any day. I think the best thing you could do is set a small task....if it's showering...go try to take that shower. Not just for hygiene, but for accomplishment and the feel of relaxing water. There is absolutely no shame in living with your mother by the way. Many people do it to save money and it's an arrangement that works for you. Maybe today you send a text to your friend and just let them know how you're feeling....surely they care to know their friend is present. Ultimately here, you have to care because the ECT treatments and everything you've been working on shows you actually do care. You are trying to get better and it takes time. You're being extremely hard on yourself and you deserve to give yourself a break from feeling so bad. Another mini-goal might be to go for a ten minute walk outside....just walk for five minutes and turn around...it'll send some good feel endorphins to your brain and getting some fresh air will do wonders.

I know how you feel about just wanting a new brain. It's difficult. We all just want to be normal, live like everyone else, and not suffer. I wish someone could just give you that, but we all know that it doesn't work that way. You're going to have to find some motivation, some self-confidence, and set your eyes on the prize of those treatments. Do not doubt that unless you find something else that might help you. Those treatments might give your current brain the "new brain" you want. There's only one way out of rut...and it's to not let life kick us down and keep us there. It's to fly with the highs and come kicking out like crazed ninja when things go low....because that's how we get back on the horse.

So you're in a rut, change seems a bit scary, and it's tough....so start small. Find the small goals like I said. Do one small thing....and then another if you feel up to it. Try to rediscover what makes Lauren the person she is. Does she like music...play the piano or guitar? Is she artistic and a great painter? Maybe she can power squat a trillion pounds in the gym or knock the teeth out of an opposing hockey player while scoring 500 goals? I don't know, but somewhere in there, there's a great person who just needs to start small and aim high. You'll get there, I promise. You've come this far, you came here to tell your story, and you're saving money for something that could help you. Do not let that horse kick you to the ground and keep you there. Damn that horse and get back up. Please. You're not a ghost, you can live again, and you will find a way to live normally again.

I hope I wasn't too forward, but reading this, I just wanted you to know you can do this and if you don't think you have any fans...here's one right here. Let me know, keep me updated, and if I can ever help...PM me. You got this...one minute at a time, day by day, going nowhere but forward.

[Angry101]

I certainly don’t want to offend or sound negative. I’ve had over 33 ECT treatments. All it did for me was to ruin my short term memory. They said I needed them for hearing voices. I still here voices, and my memory is shot. I hop and will pray for you that they work. I finally stopped them on my own. Where I was going it turned into a big money pit. No one should have as many as I did. Like I said I’m going to be positive about you. I certainly didn’t want to offend you, or make you sad. If you want to talk I’m a good listener.

[pink318]

Hi Lauren- I’m very sorry you are going through this. Please know that I’m here for you. I pray for peace and comfort as you go through depression and you will overcome this illness. Please stay strong.

I know it’s difficult because I saw my friend struggled with depression but I want to encourage you to try little by little to do things you think you will enjoy. If you can go out to have a short walk especially with sunlight, it will be a huge help. I pray for strength to keep you going everyday. Please keep us posted. God bless.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with what one of the other posters said, in trying to do something small at first. I have a list of things I try, to slightly color my mood for the better. It includes: lighting a candle, sitting in a room with some sunlight, filling the bird and duck feeders, drink a cup of tea, etc. ----your list might look different, naturally, but the idea is that I try to make the suggestions on my list do-able. Yesterday, of course, I could not do any of these things. lol. Depression can be so debilitating .

[laurenmontgom]

Thanks for all the support and advice. I actually washed my hair and while I was doing it was horrible but I do admit that I felt better after it was over. But now I'm thinking about the next time I have to do it and I'm already dreading it, worried that I'll let it go for a long time again instead of keeping up with it. Each night seems worse than the last. I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean and getting progressively tired, and no one can see me. I just want one thing to be easy, even if it's just washing my hair.

[laurenmontgom]

And the bad nights are back again. For the past couple of weeks, I haven't been sleeping well (impossible to fall asleep and sometimes stay asleep) and was prescribed Ambien, which has worked before. Now, all of a sudden, the Ambien doesn't work. I've been taking Xanax for the past few days to help me calm myself and down and help with sleep, but now that's not even working anymore. It's like my brain is resisting all medications, not just antidepressants anymore. Now I get panic attacks every night around 10 because I know how hard it will be to get asleep and how much longer I'll be awake. And because I have Major Depression, it's not like I can use that time to do something productive, even reading. I've had sleep issues since I was in high school (it's been about 15 years), and I wonder if I'll ever have a normal relationship with sleep. I feel like if I could sleep better, my days might be a little easier to deal with. Now the medications not working, I don't know what to do. I've tried holistic approaches (melatonin, warm showers before bed, the smell of lavender, sleep apps) and nothing works. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Afaaf]

My heart goes out to you,amidst all of these going on,I see u are trying and I pray u find peace and healing within u,I know this may sound cliche but u are not alone even that time of night(3am) u are not alone,this is temporary my dear!!!