Trying to make sense of it

[Penguinlover09]

Heres my story- I dont know why I need to understand it but I feel like I need to understand it in order to help me move on. Like ill be able to process the feelings and hurt if I just understood it.

12 year relationship-hardly fought and were still intimate. No warning signs that he was unhappy. He didnt communicate anything, he still treated me and spoke to me the same.

Nov 5th I found pills. I confronted him about it and he said he wasnt sure if he was happy. He didnt really want to talk about it. I questioned furhter and he finally said "I keep thinking I dont want to be with you anymore and I feel like a dickhead because I still care about you so much" He also said things like "I dont know why I am doing this, I know I have it made with you", "I dont want you to be sad because I am being dumb" and " I keep thinking it will be a big mistake" we agreed to try to work on things. I changed my work schedule so I can spend time with him in the morning, like go on walks but he clearly wasnt interested. The first walk we went on was a decent walk. The second walk was shorter and the 3rd one he said he didnt want to do it and we just turned around. He is a homebody and all of a sudden made comments about not living an interesting life. He recently starting shaving his head because he was balding and I just think this is what started this all. He also recently turned 40. I was planning date nights but he kept telling me no to everything that everything I suggested sounded boring to him. Now since I know he is a homebody I suggested a paint with a twist at home which he agreed to.

A week later he finally admitted that he was texting and flirting with a 27 year old at work. He apparently told her we were having problems but I wasnt aware of them. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said he wasnt planning on it. I gave him space and asked him to go to his moms to figure out what he wanted. I asked him to not take it as a chance to get with her. He agreed. That Friday he comes home and he seems like he doesnt want to make things work with me but then his mood changed and he was all in again. We were intimate and he ran into some issues and I started crying and he said it was because he drank. I pushed him and said no its your body not wanting me. I went to therapy and came back and he started saying "i love you but im not in love with you" and that the "love just feels different" and he called it quits. He decided to stay until I was okay as my eating disorder was starting to come into the picture. I went thru his phone and found out that he was also giving this girl rides to work and saw the extent of the flirting and texting and saw that he did try to get with her while he was suppose to be figuring out what he wanted. I asked him to leave. A week or two later he told me they were dating already, and he told me about dates-which he refused to take me on. Then he cried to me saying his head is really messed up right now and he knows he hurts me...we had promised we would always call it quits before getting involved with someone else as that is just too painful to overcome.

End of Decemeber he told me he was doing lots of drugs and drinking-but why? guilt? does it make him feel young and alive again? (he did say he used to do things like concerts and stuff when he was drinking on drugs before)

So what is your take it on it all? Is this midlife crisis? Grass is greener? Did he actually lose all feelings for me (this is what I dont want to believe) is it a deep connection with her or just novelty seeking? Will they last? Will he try to come back? Will he regret this?

This all just came out of nowhere even both of our families are shocked. I thought we were fine. And now I feel like I was just thrown out and easily replaced. I just dont understand this.

[Penguinlover09]

I also want to make note that after the breakup he was sending me mixed signals...still coming inside my house when picking up our son to and would start doing house chores. Tapping me on the butt, giving me forehead kisses. Saying I was sexy and my nails looked good (not sure if its guilt or him trying to make me feel better) he told me I did nothing wrong I didnt say or do anything wrong. He told me I was enough and hes the problem and his entire family knows he screwed up. He even told his aunt when she asked why we werent together that he made a mistake or two that he shouldnt have.

[LoveforAll41]

Penguinlover, I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I applaud your efforts going through therapy and working to be closer to your son and actually being there for him.

I wish you could get closure, but it doesn't sound like he knows what is going on either. When you ask him he just gives general things like "it's not you it's me" and such? I don't know what to say other that that is going to be it. He has his own issues, and apparently is not willing to work through them at this time. I don't know that you can get any more understanding than he made a decision.

I think it is extremely important that you work hard in therapy on this, it sounds like your eating disorder was helped when this man came into your life after your father was gone. It seems to me that you are really going to have to learn how to love yourself and be there for yourself now. It is going to be hard work and I have no idea what a suitable grieving period for this is... I wish you peace and that you can give yourself what you truly need☮️

[Penguinlover09 in reply to LoveforAll41]

Im trying I just wish I could make sense of this all

[Valentina_morado]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. A breakup after 12 years, especially one that feels like it came out of nowhere, is incredibly painful. It makes total sense that you’re searching for answers—your brain is trying to make sense of something that feels impossible to understand.

From everything you’ve described, this really does sound like a mix of a midlife crisis, grass-is-greener thinking, and emotional escapism. He’s chasing novelty, probably trying to feel young again, and acting on impulse rather than making clear-headed decisions. The fact that he went from “I don’t know why I’m doing this” to “I love you but I’m not in love with you” so fast shows that he’s confused himself. The drugs and drinking? That’s likely guilt and avoidance. But here’s the thing—this is about him, not you. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you weren’t “replaced.” Right now, he’s caught up in whatever this is, but when the novelty wears off, he’ll be left with the consequences of his choices. Will he regret it? Probably. Will he come back? Maybe. But that’s not something you should wait around for. What helped me when I went through something really painful was focusing on things I could control. One of the biggest game-changers for me was getting outside more, even when I didn’t feel like it. I started using a UV tracking app that monitors my sunlight exposure 24/7, making sure I get exactly the right amount of sunlight for my body and mental health. It sounds small, but it actually helped stabilize my mood and energy levels in a way I didn’t expect. When everything else felt chaotic, having that simple habit helped me feel a little more in control.

Obviously, no app or habit can erase the pain overnight, but when I started prioritizing my own well-being instead of obsessing over “why” things happened, I slowly started to feel like myself again. I promise you’ll get there too. Right now, focus on taking care of yourself, step by step. You deserve peace, and you will find it. 💙

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Valentina_morado]

Thats what I keep thinking, I really dont think its a matter of he lost feelings for me becauase he seemed so conflicted and the excitement of her overpowered me. I guess your right it doesnt matter what it is the fact is is that its done. He made his choice. I do hope he gets a consequence though. I am hurting so much and he seems totally fine it really makes me wonder if I meant anything to him. I know it doesnt effect me at all now but I really hope this kind of blows up in his face and hell be the one laying in bed thinking what did I do and ill be moved on. I dont want this young woman to be his happily ever after. I dont know my kid around her. I want him to be happy again just not with her.

[Valentina_morado in reply to Penguinlover09]

Your feelings are completely valid. It’s so hard to accept that someone who was so conflicted still made the choice to leave, and it’s even harder to see them seemingly move on so easily while you’re left picking up the pieces. It feels incredibly unfair, and honestly, it is unfair. And I totally get it you don’t want to feel this hurt while he gets to run off into his new "exciting" relationship without consequences. But here’s the thing: people who jump into something new while being emotionally messy rarely get the fairytale ending they think they will. Right now, he’s distracted, caught up in the novelty of something new, but eventually, reality is going to set in. The problems he had the ones he ran from are still going to be there. And that young woman? She’s not some magical fix for whatever he was struggling with.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Valentina_morado]

its hard because I was fighting for us. I planned date nights and changed my schedule and communicated and he didnt even want to stop texting her but swears he did try to make it work then when he broke up with me said nothing will fix this but I really think it could of been fixed if he actaully tried. We have a son together he deserves at least you trying, and then if it doesnt work out fine but at least we tried. Now my son has to live in a broken home and thats what I grew up with and theres a lot of issues that I struggle with because of that and now its whats going to happen to him. Everyone tells me tables will turn and I hope they do but im terrified they wont-his mom wont let anything happen to him. They need to break up because that is the one thing his mother cant fix for him.

[Valentina_morado in reply to Penguinlover09]

I hear you completely. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking when you’re the one fighting for your family, making all the effort, and they won’t even try. It’s not fair to you, to your son, to everything you built together. The fact that he just walked away without really putting in the work must feel like such a betrayal, especially knowing how much this will affect your child. I know it’s terrifying to think that the tables won’t turn, but here’s the thing they almost always do. People who run away from their problems instead of facing them don’t magically find happiness in a new relationship. It might take time, but reality will hit him at some point. And when it does, you’ll be so much stronger than you ever thought possible. Right now, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. I know how hard that is when you’re overwhelmed with grief and anger, but even the smallest things help. When I was in a place where I felt completely out of control, one thing that helped was making sure I got the right amount of sunlight every day. It sounds small, but light exposure plays a huge role in mood regulation and energy levels. I started using a 24/7 UV tracking app that was designed specifically for nervous system regulation and emotional stability, and it actually helped me feel more balanced, even on days when I felt like I couldn’t function.

You’re stronger than you think, and your son has you, which means he already has the best possible chance at growing up in a loving, supportive home. This situation isn’t fair, but you will come out on top. Sending you strength you’re not alone in this!

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Valentina_morado]

but what was the problem? Was there a problem? was it his problem or a relationship problem? As far as I knew there wasnt problems because we hardly fought and he told me I didnt say or do anything wrong. I just dont understand what was wrong. How can I fix it. I can I better myself if I dont know what I did. And no its not fair. That is usually what gets me crying thinking of how unfair this is. How is I am the one hurting when I am the one who tried. I would of never left. I stayed thru so much crap with him but yet he couldnt even talk to me about whatever the issue was. I was the one who given everything for him and he just walked away and wiped his hands clean. I am the one who put it all the effort and time. Why did it all backfire on me?

[Valentina_morado in reply to Penguinlover09]

Since many asked me in the DMs: The name of the UV Tracking App is called RYZE. I got it recommended by a friend. Here's the link: ryzenow.app

[kenster1 in reply to Valentina_morado]

🚩🚩🚩

[Penguinlover09]

He left me for the one he was cheating on me with. And I can’t change my numbers and block we have a kid together which sucks because I’m so hurt by him and yet I still have to have him in my life one way or another.

And no he didn’t grow up lol I remember one time I literally told him I felt more like his parent than his partner. I did all the cooking and cleaning while he played video games . I’m the one who parented our child. And when things get hard he runs to his mom. Money problems runs to mom. Leaves me and his kid is now living with his mom with no intentions of leaving until he’s kicked out. When he left all he wanted to take with him were his firearms and video games lol even HIS aunt was like omg he needs to grow up lol

I just don’t understand why I never crossed his mind when he was being shady especially if he said he knew he had it made with me and that he was making a big mistake then why do it??? And not only do it but then leave your family for it? He didn’t even want to try to make it work with me. He swore he did try but how can he say he honestly tried when he was still texting and flirting with another girl? How is that trying?

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

I’m so sorry for how quickly I reacted and if I sounded at all disrespectful, but that’s how I feel about cheaters. I was always the one who let them get away with it so nowadays I’m like oh hell no.

I know how hard this must be, to see him move on with someone he betrayed you with but best believe karma is going to come back around to him. It’s good he’s gone he’s gonna regret how good you were to him trust me if it’s not sooner it’s later. Sorry I know you probably love him…a lot..but seeing it from the outside I want to help someone out of this situation I’ve been in with a guy you love so much leading you on and giving you nothing🥺he really hurt you and put u thru a lot but u probably can’t see it🥺I would pity him if anything maybe don’t be harsh like me!

If you have to see him especially because of a child, I would say start dressing up every where you go even if you don’t feel like it…especially if you have to see him…Spoil urself and feel pretty! Sooner or later other men are gonna notice. I would say six months to a year is good time to just try be alone especially after such a long relationship like that one🥺Then let them flirt or take you on dates even if it’s casual! I would be so heartbroken too though, but once ur ready enjoy that single life if you can! Or if it’s not dates, you are going to rebuild a life so unrecognizable he won’t be able to even hurt you let alone touch you again. No one will be ale to disrespect you once you rebuild urself. It’s gonna be hard but you’ll make it💙Then you’ll be so happy he’s gone💙it could take years, months, there is no timeline for healing💙

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

you weren’t disrespectful!

I hope your right I hope karma comes around but in so scared this will be his happily ever after. He was easy to get along with-my friends tells me I’m just agreeable and that’s why we worked that not a lot of people would tolerate the things I did and I’m hoping that is the case because I really want this to blow up in his face and he feels stupid. I just want my pain not to be worth it.

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

I felt the same with an ex who left me! I felt so worried for like a whole year thing he’s gonna find his best life, but I guarantee he’s not going to even if it looks like it on the surface! Two years after an ex left me, he came back around but my life changed so much he wasn’t even my type anymore and I found a better man! And even if it’s not perfect God always has someone special for us

And this ex felt like my dream man! I felt inferior bcuz he looked good and came from a lot of money. I felt like I was the loser for so long and “I missed out”. I was obsessed with what he was doing or if he was already dating, I’m embarrassed to say I even spent like a year on YouTube watching videos on how to get ur ex back, but after our break up he spent a good nine months pretending to still love me and I thought we were getting back together. He was talking with other women jut kept me on the back burner (I couldn’t see it at the time).

But the day he said we aren’t getting back together, and once I cut him off for good, my life weirdly started getting more positive little by little! It was very painful from the heartbreak but the timing was so weird! Like months later I just got more work opportunities or unexpected blessings. Two years later and I can’t remember his last name unless I think about it I’m serious. I know the same will happen for you! It’s that cliche cheaters never win they don’t! And I believe there are good men out there who see their diamond not all men love young 20 something women only it’s not true💙💙a real man will see ur worth regardless of ur past

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

Its weird because at this point i dont think i even want him back I just dont want him with her. Anyone but her.

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

She sounds awful 🥺if he didn’t change in ur relationship she certainly will go thru the same or she’s gonna cheat on him, sorry but it’s true

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

But he is acting different with her. He’s taking her out on dates he never did that with me even in the beginning we just hung out…

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

This must be so difficult for you, I’m sorry but if he’s acting this way (how he treated u) in his 40s acting how he did, he’s not changing any time soon or close to never. He’s probably going to put on a really great act, then down line but later on his true colors will come back to haunt him. He has some serious issues that he has to go therapy for and no woman is gonna help him get out of it. He thinks by changing women he’s gonna get his “real one who changes his life forever” but it’s him with the issues.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

I just hope she doesn’t stay for it lol. I did stay and was willing to stay I seriously would have never left him. I feel so cruel for saying it but i really hope this backfires on him

[Zhangliqun]

He is allowing himself to be too absorbed in his moment to moment feelings which makes him incapable of overriding them when they beckon him to do stupid things like flirting and dating other women and drinking and drugs. Right now, his feelings are his God and that's a bad place to be for everyone generally, but especially for a man. (Wishy-washiness in a man gives women the ick, and with good reason.)

The infidelity is bad enough but the drinking and drugs make him a powder keg you need to get away from, and quick. Get clear of that blast radius while you can.

He needs to man up and first deal with his substance abuse, then when he's clean and sober, he needs to figure out how he wants to be remembered by the people he is betraying and start acting accordingly.

There is always a possibility he will come around and get right so you can leave the door open a crack. But til then, you need to step away from him.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Zhangliqun]

I know I def dont want him homeif hes drinking and on drugs and last time he told me anything about it he saif he was doing lots. Even his mom told me that she needed to go to the hospital and he was unable to take her because he already drank 3 beers. But here I am giving him the benefit of the doubt of well maybe he stopped maybe hes okay now. Maybe it was just a random day he drank and not all the time.

[Lifesearching]

I read some other comments and I agree if you can’t cut this guy off, if you can distance urself as much as possible and keep busy. It’s gonna be hard bcuz you’ll be wondering what he’s up to bcuz you were with him for over a decade. He’s still technically ur man in ur heart but logically when u see it later you’ll be like holy shit I dodged a bullet🙏🏽🥺

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

I pray that your right

[Lifesearching]

it’s always up to you in the end since you know that situation better than anyone! It’s just my opinion looking from the outside based on my experiences. I’m all for women being treated badly getting the justice they deserve💙💙🥺