My mom demeans my illness

[laurenmontgom]

For about 7 or 8 years I’ve had severe, treatment-resistant major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and OCD. I’m unable to care for myself, so for the past 3 years I’ve been living with my mom. Originally she had a hard time accepting that I had an illness, but eventually she learned more and seemed to empathize with me more. A couple days ago, however, she made me feel so invisible and ashamed over something seemingly insignificant. She cut the tags off of my towels because she “does all the laundry,” and when I told her that she had no right and that it totally screwed with my OCD (I like to have the tags on the upper left hand side) she flippantly said that that was my “issue”, not hers. It was so hurtful. I’m on a track right now to (hopefully) get ECT - would anyone be willing to go through that if it was just a simple issue? I feel lied to and betrayed, like she’s been faking concern this entire time and she’s never understood what’s happening to me. And since there’s a lockdown, there’s nowhere to go. I’ve been sleeping in my car just so I can avoid her at night. What should I do? How can I get through to her that I’m sick, that I have an illness that’s out of my control? I just feel... so alone now. Any and all help is greatly appreciated.

[Mrspepperpot1]

Hi Lauren, how awful to be treated that way. With the way you are suffering, I really feel for you x can you contact MIND or some other organisation and see what help you can get.

It’s starting to get really cold later today, or can you speak to your Consultant and council, and see if there is anything they can do.

I’ve been and still have anxiety and depression, had it since I was a teenager. But I’ve managed to get myself much better....

Take care and good luck.

It’s Bank Holiday on Monday... really hope they find you somewhere for now at least.

No one deserves this! Let me know how you get on if you can. X

[Hidden]

I live in the entire society that doesn't understand what is depression at all. Most of people in my country use the word “depression” to describe just a bad mood or distress. So my mother is one of these people. I have to live with her due to the lockdown, and it gets me down. I don't try to explain her what is MDD, I have no doubt she won't get it. Don't wanna waste my time and energy that I can invest in struggling with depression.

Have you ever tried cognitive behavioral therapy aka talk therapy? Anti-depressants are actually not good for some people. But talk therapy helps many people more often and effectively. Sometimes one has to combine medications and therapy. The most important benefit of CBT is long-term result, which you can also get faster than if you use medications.

Isn't ECT inhumane form of treatment?

[Beevee]

Please read Essential Help For Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. Anxiety in all of its forms (OCD, panic disorder, GAD etc etc) is only treatment resistant because you still fear the symptoms. Medication will mask or soften the symptoms you have but they won’t help you overcome your fear of the symptoms. Until you lose your fear, they will persist. The book I mentioned explains it all and tells you how to overcome the symptoms, regardless of how long you may have been suffering or how entrenched you may feel. Anxiety is not treatment resistant. It’s very treatable when you understand it and accept it.

When you are feeling anxious, you are in a heightened state of sensitivity and will be easily upset at the most trivial things. It is also worth remembering that it is not easy for the family either to have someone suffering this disorder.

I suffered for quite a few years but have made a full recovery by following the advice in that book. You will too.

[laurenmontgom]

Ok, I understand that you’re all trying to give advice and I appreciate that, but for those of you recommending that medication isn’t helpful or that it doesn’t really solve the problem, please stop. I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a primary care physician, so when it comes to meds, I trust their opinions and expertise. It’s very dangerous to suggest to someone you don’t know that medication isn’t the way to go, or that my anxiety disorders continue because I “fear the symptoms.” All I want is some advice on how to deal with a person in my life that doesn’t comprehend what I’m experiencing. Please don’t give medical advice on a platform like this - you don’t know my psychiatric or pharmaceutical history and aren’t qualified to give advice like that. So for anyone that might be following this thread, I’d be so grateful for any family dynamic advice. Thanks again!

[tiredswedge]

I do understand where you're coming from. I was first diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety when I was twenty and I'm sure I had it long before that (I am 52 now). I can't hold a job and I never know how well I will cope with each day. I am very lucky in that I have an incredible husband who will always take care of me.

As far as ect goes, I have some experience with that, but I am not an expert in any sense of the word. About 15 years ago I was not properly medicated and I became suicidal. I was two steps away from carrying it out. I had a plan and was getting my life in order. I don't remember how, but my doctor and my husband found out and I went to the hospital. I agreed to a series of ect treatments (I think it was 12). It did not eradicate the depression, but I no longer thought suicide was the way to go and my head has not gone there since. The downside, which is not at all trivial, it screwed up my memory and I haven't been the same since. The ect did a good job at bringing me back from the brink, but I wouldn't do it again for anything less than an extreme state of mind.

I did have success with TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). The FDA here in the states. has approved it for medication resistant depression. It takes time commitment. Its 36 30 minute sessions. I am able to get up every day, get things done, and even go to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon (used to scare the snot out of me).

Good luck to you

[laurenmontgom in reply to tiredswedge]

Thanks so much for sharing. I’m glad you were able to find a treatment that helped you. ECT is my last resort, and I’m actually signed up for a TMS clinical trial, but have to wait until the quarantine is lifted.

[Ubud2021]

I’ve recently had many moments like this with my mother as well. As I’m currently staying “back at home”...

I have all of the above disorders too. My mom has said the exact same thing to me, many times. Of course to different situations..

One time, (and again now) my face and arms were soooo bad due to skin picking. Literally almost looked as one big scab. I was very insecure about it. My mom used to be a drug and alcohol therapist, and has stated multiple times how bad my face look, and I need to stop picking. And has told me I look like a meth addict. Again, I feel ashamed and insecure already, so it hurt. I asked her to please stop saying things do to this matter. She agreed, and we went on. But, a day has come where I needed to go to a doctors appointment. She looked at me like she felt soo sorry for me. I asked her what this look was for, and she said “well people may think you’re addicted to meth!” - ugh.... more shame and embarrassment rushed into my body. I almost felt like I was in the process of depersonalization... I was also angry... I tried to calm down for an hour or two, then went into the room she was in, and explained to her that what she said hurt my feelings... “Well?! That’s your issue!!!!”

I understand how frustrating it is. Also there has been many times she told me “You don’t do anything around the house” and that “at least I (my mom) have a job!” In the same sentence. I also have agoraphobia, so that keeps me from getting a job.

As me and her get in arguments a lot, I’m gaining “situational depression” as my psychiatrist and therapist put it, as I’m not able to go back to my house for a while, and am forced to live under the same roof as her for now. I have no where I can go to get away from it all. And it sucks. So I’m getting more depression as well, which means ‘lack of motivation and will to do things’. So- of course I’m depressed and not helping around the house, as no I do not have a job due to my agoraphobia!

It sucks being put down like this. Especially by your mom. I’m sorry you’re in this situation too.

[laurenmontgom in reply to Ubud2021]

It’s crazy how much your story is like my own. I also have a skin-picking disorder that I’ve had for as long as I can remember (I pick the skin on my lips), and my mom has always dealt with it by humiliating me in public by like, slapping my hand away or saying loudly, “stop picking your lips!” And then everyone looks at me and it makes me feel so insecure. Like you, living with my mom has just made my depressive symptoms worse, and my mom just refuses to empathize. Thank you so much for your comment, and I hope that while you’re going through this, remember that there is someone out there who knows exactly how you feel. We’re not alone 🤗

[Ubud2021]

I’m sorry to say this, it’s comforting knowing there is someone who understands exactly what I’m going through. Even though, by all means, is a sh**ty circumstance.

[rain12]

Hi Lauren, I just want you to know that I care about your feelings. It is hard to have to deal with situations that throw you off like the tags being cut off of the towels and your Mom not understanding that. Maybe you could just start writing her about that and why it is so important for you to keep things the way you need them to be.

You can be happy, you can be at ease and you can be free of suffering one step at a time. What can you do everyday to have some happiness, ease and be free of suffering? Can you do something you totally enjoy and let go of the worry of the towels or anything else that has you locked up in your mind? I am here for you too sending you lovingkindness .

Take care, Rain

[TeddyBear3]

Sounds like your mom is suffering from burnout. Not your fault. You need another caregiver.

[turkeylover]

Lauren, I'm so sorry you are going through this and I totally empathize with you. My mother is the same way. She does not believe there is such a thing as mental illness. She believes that I brought it upon myself due to sin. Therefore it is God's punishment. She also can be extremely nasty and voice her opinion as such " You can stop all that nonsense yourself, or ask for God's help to stop it!" Although your mom may not be as severe as mine, it is unfair for family or friends or anyone to act in kindness toward you one minute and be dismissive and insensitive to your OCD condition, the next. Are you in therapy? If so, would she be willing to go to better understand? In my experience, being a man over 50 years old who has dealt with mental health issues my whole life, I think sometimes folks get frustrated with our mental health issues, in part due to them not experiencing these things themselves, but also because they love us and don't quite know how to help us. I hope this helps in some small way. Good luck to you.