Trying So Hard To Hold It Together, But I'm About To Break

I have been feeling hopeless the past couple of months, years, days, minutes. I try so hard to 'keep it together' when all I want to do is break. But I can't, that is not an option for me. Living this way has worked for 30 years. One hospitalization a few years ago and I promised myself I would never be in a hospital again. I feel like my psychiatrist doesn't even know what to do anymore. I feel alone and scared. I feel like people think they understand, even though they are not in my head, they can't hear my thoughts. I guess I am looking for help. Someone who can relate to what I am going through and maybe be able to help me through this. Thanks for letting me rant.

[kenster1]

hi welcome to you sorry about your struggles.ive been in your situation lots of times on the verge of a full blown breakdown.i cant put my finger on why I haven't but I look at the big picture try and break it down and work on myself one bit at a time.im not perfect far from it but I can live with it better.talking really has helped me a lot coming on here as well helps me.dont look at it as ranting to me its an honest expression of your feelings.

[Hidden in reply to kenster1]

What is the big picture? How do you break it down? I hold it in until it passes. I have recently taken up drinking. Not a good idea, but just one or two a night to settle myself after a long day. I have no outlets, I have no one.

[jjroads]

Isn't it horrible to live a life you can't live 😔

I empathize with you.

I've had depression, anxiety, and PTSD for 17 years.

I struggle to function everyday

I've been on and off meds for the same amount of time

I don't think anybody else really understands unless they've been through the same issues.

It's that feeling of being on edge that feeling in the pit of your stomach........

Are you on any medication?

What kind of therapy are you receiving?

[Hidden in reply to jjroads]

My therapist that I saw for over 10 years retired. I tried a new one and she stared at the clock the whole time. Tomorrow I have a meeting with a new therapist. I find that no matter who I see, or how long I have seen someone, there are always barriers. I can't be honest, at least not 100%. I know I wouldn't do anything, but the thoughts still cross my mind. I was told I am passive suicidal. I have had such a horrible past, probably not as bad as others, most I can't even remember from the ECT, that ruined part of my memories and mostly the good ones. I can't tell my husband how I truly feel. I am on an MAOI because I have been on everything you can name. When I try to increase it I get suicidal thoughts, so I am stuck. Taking a medication that helps, but doesn't help enough. And I am tired of being told to find a hobby. Find something I do for myself. Like that is the magic cure. hat about you? I hear about PTSD often. My daughter says she suffers from it, but won't tell me what happened. I don't consider myself as having PTSD, but maybe with all I have been through, just maybe I do. Why not add it to the list of hell that has been my life. So please if you want, share. I know I am not alone, but I don't know anyone who experiences what I do on a daily basis.

[Want2BHappy3]

Change psychiatrist, I've had several, I had a decent one, but had to stop going, couldn't afford to go. I can probably continue next month my new insurance will pay for it. The medication I'm on isn't working for me, I've been feeling out of control, I've been praying to God for Help. 🙏

[Hidden]

I have been to so many psychiatrists. He is the only one who has tried different medications, even if they aren't supposed to be taken together. He made me get a blood pressure cuff to take my BP and make sure everything is ok. I trust him and I think he has also realized he has run out of options. But he will always try something just to see if it works. I don't want a new psychiatrist. I actually hate being on meds. I have been on everything on the market. There is nothing else. I have gotten to a point where I was ok, it's just recently I find I am getting worse and it makes me feel helpless.

[hydroplain]

I feel your pain. I was born with my anxiety disorder and it has limited me in so many ways. Right when I think it has gone, it comes right back. What I do is find things that give me hope. For me right now, I am using this forum as a way to know that I am not alone. I have been at my breaking point for a year now and instead of holding it in, I am letting it out to others. I am no longer afraid of what they may think, but having it held inside me is doing more harm then good. So I figured, why not express how I am feeling now? What's there to lose. Just hang in there. I look to spirituality for comfort. I know that the universe is always working for our greater good. Regardless if we like how it is being done.

[Hidden in reply to hydroplain]

I try every day. Each day I get up and count the minutes until the day is over. Every day is too much in my mind. Living a life should be filled with joy n happiness, not feeling like I am going to break at any moment.

[hydroplain]

Hang in there! It'll get better, I promise!