I’m not doing very well today. This will be a really long post and so anyone who reads it I thank you. I don’t have any friends and just when I think I have a good one, think again! The only one who has ever stood by me is the one I married 20 years ago. WOW! Thank you for her because she is all I’ve got. She doesn’t understand mental illness but she tries, for me. She really is amazing and I guess that’s why I need you all. I have nobody else who really gets it and when I think a friend is going to be there for me, I become overbearing or “too much for them to handle.” I’ve gotten really good at recognizing the signs. They start acting or behaving in unusual ways. It seems like they are avoiding me and don’t want to talk but they assure me that it’s not me. They miss events that we have planned together. They say they are “just going through some things.” They won’t talk about it and eventually their emotions get the best of them and they lash out. That’s what happened last night. I know I’m socially awkward but the pain when someone tells you, “You’re overbearing and I can’t handle you anymore.” That’s hard. The suicidal thoughts are hard to manage then. Last night I was going to get really drunk and go for a drive. Mind you I didn’t take the first drink but I had it in front of me. I didn’t start. Then I was going to swallow all my medication. “HA! SILLY! That will never work because I don’t have enough to be successful.” I talked myself out of it. I couldn’t sleep for a while but eventually I did. I question everybody’s true intentions. I have a hard time trusting anyone. Was she using me? She asked me for $300 over about six months and I gave it to her. That’s what friends do, right? Help each other out in times of need? She works a minimum wage job and has a child. She said they were hungry and didn’t have enough money for groceries. Another time she needed help to fix her car because it broke down and she needed a way to get to work while I was going to be out of town. She didn’t feel comfortable calling anyone else for a ride. Was I ever her friend or she just couldn’t stand to be around me anymore and the financial support wasn’t worth it? I should probably just give up on friends. This has happened so many times and I have become so much more of a loner. I should try to be more thankful and appreciative of what I do have because my wife truly is amazing. I guess I can hike, go to a movie, out to eat, or go to a coffee shop by myself. I should try to hone in on being a loner. Maybe that will work better. Social anxiety has become more of a problem. My psychiatrist upped my Buspar to the maximum dose of 60mg a day and warned me that if I request anymore changes, he won’t agree to it until I start therapy or counseling. I’ve been making some phone calls trying to set up an appointment. He is right. I should talk to somebody. OH! For those that don’t know me, I AM a therapist. How ironic right? I can put on an act for an hour and successfully hide my mental illness from the clients. I can even hide the socially awkward part of me. I take pride in my work and it’s the one part of my life (outside of the confines of my home) where I don’t have anxiety. I believe I’m good at what I do. Some theories say that it’s because I really do understand, more than they know I understand. Nobody will ever know the difference but to be my friend…I guess that will never happen. I feel better now, writing helps a lot. Thoughts of suicide are better today too. Hope4321 made an interesting post the other day that she has accepted that she doesn’t have any friends. I need to get there too.
Anxiety: I’m not doing very well today... - Anxiety and Depre...
Anxiety
I definitely recognize the sensation of being too much for somebody. You have my sympathy for that. I also recognize the sensation of being used for charity, for benevolence, and for your trusting nature. That is intensely painful and I wish to offer words of support in that which are meaningful. The lesson I took from my own experience was cold and hard.. "you live and learn" to be less generous and trusting, but over time I fight slowly to learn to trust again, because it is hard to function when you are untrusting. I have said it before and I will say it again: It is okay to be dissatisfied with your current life. It is okay to want more than you possess. It is okay to need a world in which you feel comfortable and safe. It takes effort to manifest such a world and I haven't gotten there yet. In my own life I complain about my problems quite a bit but I still believe they can get better, or at least there is a chance. Such small hope is enough for me sometimes, and sometimes I break down, weep strong heavy tears for what I've lost, and then pull myself into a semblance of order for the next inch at the grindstone. For the matter that you are a therapist... Just because you are one doesn't mean you shouldn't need one or be entitled to one. Medical doctors need their own doctors, and my first good therapist years ago was forthcoming about having a therapist of her own to pull her together when things got too hard. It is not shameful to be dissatisfied with life and it is not shameful to struggle. Strive on. Fight for the inch of joy that you desire.
I agree that it is ok to want all of those things. Its a very positive and continuous cycle to try to achieve better things while having hope. Want and hope come together. Without one, you won't have the other. I have shared with a few clients that I understand more than they know. On the other hand, I am human and just like everyone else, I say to myself sometimes, "I am fine. I don't need to talk to anyone." I know that's not true and I really do. I used to say "I don't need medicine." I got past that hurdle.
I'm glad that you have. Pride can be a a cold bedfellow. Introspect. In my case, small exposures to the pain of your past can help you to process it. The simple fundamental question of "why did this hurt me" is not a stupid question to ask, and is a good place to start in getting over a betrayal.
Very very true. Our past experiences shape what we are today. Man you really nailed that fact.
hi sorry to hear of your difficulties,we each an everyone of us lack the ability of communication ,mine is just slowly returning ,though what im trying to say is that we must listen first and try and understand .Anxiety,can overwhelm our behaviour towards ourselves and others,and im similar in that respect having no one there for me......You already know you have needs ,such as friendship,and you being a therapist would know or understand that when you give friendship its a two way process and having a wife/partner should enhance your relationships;my advice would be to try not to rely too much on meds and focus more on your relationships and that includes yourself and those around you,,,,try not to get too complacent and above all be a friend to yourself more than anyone and others will sense that your not just needy ,but can give of yourself too.and you learn to make boundaries as you will also recognise--hoping that you can catch my drift ,you don't want to throw your life away,you have the capacity to help yourself as well as others-ok.
Your right. Focus on my strengths and be positive. More positive and good things will result.
Sometimes that's easier said than done and its a sort of little up and then down with a thud,but we have to keep going no matter what ---so hopefully we can move forward.
lorianxiety, I find this advice to be applicable to myself. I am deeply grateful for what you have said here.
Thank u for posting this Aaronm. Your honesty is truly couragious. I respect that. Im not surprised that u r a therapist bc guess what? Therapists are people too! You are a human being like everyone else. My therapist probably goes to therapy too. I think everyone should and I think you should too! Just do it. Push through whatever that's preventing u from going & just go. You are missing a big piece of the puzzle in getting healthy right now- the suicidal thoughts need to stop and a therapist, as u know, can help u make friends too. Going through life without friends is no fun. You just need a little help- So what?
Btw, u can follow me on the site. We can be friends 👍
I hope this helps.
I just did follow you. I need a friend. You know what's stopping me? The mental health stigma that plagues us all is stopping me. You've heard it! He/she is CRAZY! My own supervisor in the mental health field has said these inappropriate comments. I am so afraid that somebody I work with will find out that I am that crazy person they are referring to when they say those mean and hurtful things. People have no idea how their words can be so damning.
I know what you mean but it's just ignorance talking. Ok? There's a stigma bc these things are not talked about & people are not educated about it & The governemt is doing nothing about educating people. The stigma is getting better though.
They have no clue what "crazy" is. People that have no background in psychology have no right to use that word.
As long as you know that you are not losing your mind and you are not "crazy" what the do you care?
They are not perfect anyway right? Nobody is.
She does have a background. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). I know the answer here and I'm not asking you to change my mind but for one split second, I think "I mean she should know right? She has more certifications and is more experienced and qualified than I am." Your right though. She has no idea how ignorant she makes herself sound. She should know better and shame on her.
That's even worse! Yes, shame on her. She should know better...ugh.
Agreed! Ugh...is mild!
That makes me mad, even in your own field you have closed minded people. It's a task to quell that anger and find a suitably informed argument. May logic save us eventually from the foolish.
In other areas of her life she is very open and accepting. She is married to a wife and they have a child through en-vitro fertilization. I don't quite understand it either. I wonder if she thinks she is being funny.
If she does, you can tell her to cut it out. If she's reasonable and open minded, she could be sensitive about it. People do and say thoughtless things all the time. Someone sufficiently humble should take an even tempered call out reasonably
I agree Sky. Makes me mad too.Thank you👏👏👏
Sablegirl
Hi aaronm, I was just reading through your posts and got to this point and had to say hi and maybe if it’s ok, to speak my mind?? How can anyone go into the mental health field with that frame of mind??? I’m 51 & was first diagnosed at 19, should’ve been sooner, but apparently sometimes it takes a mental breakdown. Yeah, I struggle with the stigma, but if I don’t see my Psych Doc & my therapist, I’m not good for anything. Oh & take my meds faithfully. About 20yrs ago I finally made peace with the need to faithfully take my meds, not try to quit them when I got to feeling better. Anyway, it’s just downright appalling that some mental health professionals feel that way. It sickens me & I will have to try and make peace with the knowledge. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I’m so sorry you’ve been taken advantage of, in the name of friendship. I had to break up with a friend once because she just took, took, took & I was nearing breakdown. Btw, it was excruciatingly painful, but I did it. Hoping you can feel better today?!! All the best thoughts & wishes!
You are awesome. Aaron is a friend of mine and you responded beautifully. Makes me proud to know you, S!
I'm sorry. At least you have your wife. I have no friends, no family and my husband has been distant for years.
I can be your friend.
I'd like that a lot. I need a friend. I always need another one.
Aaron, thank you for sharing your feelings with us, you do have true friends here, we may only be here online but we are here for you! ! Anytime you need to talk, reach out, you are an amazing man who copes with so much. Stay strong and know that we do care about you. X 
That's very kind of you! Thank you so much! I appreciate it. I know that I need this site because it is my outlet of people who understand what it's like to have a mental illness. For other reasons, I tend to get pushed away at times, but I always come back. Why? Because I NEED YOU!
I have found this site so supportive lately, I went through a tough time, I have some amazing friends on here. Just message me anytime you want to talk, vent or just to know someone is there, I mean that.
Same goes for you.
A, would it help to have a small group of people to talk to? I sponser several chatlines off my pm. They are small, containing just 12 to 17 people each, on average. It's easy enough to do. The people there would be available more often when you might need it most. There is no bullying, crudeness or illicit activities there. Just good, solid people from this site like you and me. You can pm me with your answer if youwould like. For a long time I have been wracking my brain on how to help you. This might do the trick nicely. It's up to you, my friend!
I don't think it's odd, at all, that you are a therapist...you are looking for answers and are helping others to do the same...I am just so sorry you went through this with a "friend." As I said a while back, I had a "friend" blow up on me, too...though, I really do think that she just got mad because I couldn't make a band-aid miracle out of her problem. Not having that issue, now & sadly, though we are sort of talking, I am being really cautious about helping her out, or getting too involved in discussions, until she can get her own act together...I do have my own issues at home that need closer attending...I just don't like folks to feel that no one cares...someone was always there to try and help me...I am just trying to pay it forward...but, there are walls that everyone hits...sounds like I am not alone on that one, either.
It's ok to be alone, I think, and I only have 1 to maybe 3 close friends...those are real friends that don't make you want to scream back at them...they give you some elasticity...you try to give it back. Meanwhile, I always remember what my mom used to tell me & I hated hearing it, but it was sort of true: be your own best friend.
By 12, I had to admit that no one in my own age group was really going to like me, or be comfortable around me, in front of others. When I hit jr. high, it didn't sting so much...but, I would never repeat elementary school, again, and have to go through that learning process...ugh.
Are you comfortable being alone and doing stuff, like reading, walking, sorting your hobbies, etc.? I think that's ok. Finding good friends is an exploratory process...sort of like making divinity during rainy weather...it might just work out, but it's going to be fraught with all sorts of messy "what ifs." Let's face it, it takes a very long time to find valuable people...people who give and are ok with what you take from them.
You sound very grounded to me, in spite of the anxiety difficulties: you recognize the gem, who is your wife! Love that! Is there time to do things that you can share, together? Maybe it's time to slow down and start exploring that a little more...it's never too late!
Thank you for letting us know how you are! WE CARE! Blessings & don't be afraid to keep on trucking! Life can be full of surprises, right around the corner...and, they don't all have to be bad ones...
My problem in being alone is that I work out of town and go home on my days off. It gets so lonely but I also have some good ideas to fix that. I'm going to start hiking and exploring the area more when I'm off between work hours. I had the same problems through elementary up to high school. When I got to college I finally found a niche and met my wife and other friends who sadly live across the country but we talk occasionally.
Sometimes, the outdoors is the best place to commune with your feelings...sometimes, it's the ONLY place that makes sense. So sorry that you are so separated from your wife and friends, by time and distances...are you ok with trying Skype? Not the same, but it could be a temporary solution, until you can all be together, again. I wish you all of the luck in the world in your endeavors...keep us posted!
We talk often by different means. I go home weekly. I'm off today and yesterday.
Wish you were able to work closer to home--online, even, out of your house! How nice that would be! But, there are so few jobs like that, even these days...I want you to know that I think you are doing everything right & sometimes it's our contemporaries beside us that can't meet in the middle, for whatever reason. I do know this: those people make us very tired! It's an ongoing struggle to fight those folks from taking our positive light, inside of us...
My high school physics teacher slyly referred to such struggles as "fighting universal entropy"...maybe he was right.
Keep us posted and let us know if you need anything! Have a great day off!
Same. Anyone who has ever been a "friend" was only around because I'm a pushover and I'm always trying to help everyone out. I'm done doing anything for anyone but myself and my kids. I literally go to work and sit at home with my kids and could go weeks without a text or phone call from anyone, until they need something.
I guess the positive part is we have somebody. We can relish in something and hope for more.
The best friend you will ever have or need is right there with you .... your spouse. I could say without a doubt my husband and I were each other’s best friend. I would tell him that ever so often and he’d say your husband can’t be your best friend but one night when I said it to him, he looked at me and said “ you are my only friend “ , finally he understood what I meant. He died Sept 2016 and that has deviated me ever since. I would urge you to spend your time and energy with the one that matters most. True friends are rare. Since my husband passed, I only heard from a few people, now I don’t hear from his friends or mine at all anymore. People that needed him would call him relentlessly, we have both helped so many others. Now it’s just me. Sometimes I’m okay with that and sometimes I get angry. People would rather pretend people going through depression and other mental illness don’t exist rather than be there to support, it’s not worth their while. It’s easier to be insensitive.
Please don’t discount your wife by saying you don’t have any friends, please think of her rather then suicidal thoughts. I’d say you got away cheap if you only lost a few hundred dollars on a fake friend. Count your blessings. Do something special with your wife or for her, it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, I miss the simple things that my husband did the most. The smile on her face might just warm your heart enough to lift you up. Doing that something special might just benefit you the most.
I've made some really dumb mistakes in the past but we've gotten over those I think and doing much better. I tell her often how much I love her.
Aaronnm I am completely the same
I do not even trust my family anymore
I moved thousands of miles away. And I feel so much better. Problem is there are so many nice people in Florida but I don't know how to be anyone's friend.
Thoughts of suiside are with me 24 7
My dog helps me so much
I wish you better
You are not alone
Aaronm 👋🏽 . I am sat here reading through your post in tears and I’m thinking wow... I’m really not alone in this am I!? And then I saw my name and I’m glad you also know you’re not alone in this either . And in that ‘I’m not alone’ you can pull a lot of hope from that ... you can see a tiny glimmer of light which will guide you x
You are one of the most caring , giving and loving men that I know on this site and if you don’t believe me.. read your past posts and see how much of a wonderful person you are and how much you do for family . Now do not allow anyone to make you feel like you’re difficult to be loved. Nobody is difficult to be loved. It all depends on how much capacity the other person has to love others .
Now let’s flip this.... sometimes when we are struggling ourselves... it may be difficult on that day to ‘like’ someone that we love who maybe we are a carer of or we are related to. We might be easily irritated because our energy is all taken up on our own problems that we just cannot handle anyone else . That MAY be the case with your friend.
Now my advice. (This is what I’ve done today with a friend of 20 years thats did the same as your friend ) Let emotions simmer down on both ends . Keep yourself extremely busy to keep your mind off it .
Then send one text after a few weeks inviting her to meet or talk on phone - saying something along the lines of how you’re not happy with the friendship as it is , maybe that you miss her but also let’s talk and maybe learn from mistakes and forgive or lets put a complete closure on this friendship - Then just leave it on her . Make yourself busy again so you don’t keep checking for response.
It’s all okay if she doesn’t get back to you or says no then then just let it go Aaron. She’s not the right friend for you and it’s her loss .
You’re going to be okay . A friend is just a tiny part of us ... not everything. But I completely understand how you feel though because to me it felt like an actual breakup with a spouse or something!
If you take anything from this just take that you’re not alone, this will pass and please hold on to that hope and do not give up x please PM me xx
Omg sorry for the dissertation!!! 💕
You can write a dissertation anytime and as special as you are i'll read them all. Thank you So much for the complements. I really appreciate that.
I honestly think I will do just that about the cooling off period and then a text. She does have a mental illness as well and we all know how that can cloud our judgement. In my own mental illness I tend to over react in response to anxiety.
HI aaronm.. u sound like a super wonderful person. U hv so much to offer people. Sometimes they just can't handle it. Don't stop giving sharing and caring. Do u hv a pet. They are a wonderful n if u get one from a shelter they will love u even more. Maybe u can volunteer a few hours at an elderly place a few hrs once or twice a month. They dont even hv to know u r a therapist. U are a gift. DONT GIVE UP. Look up at the skies or a flower or something from mother nature. It will bring a smile on your heart. 💖🌻🦁👍
Thank you. I won't give up.
Hello. Your post moved me in a number of ways, as have the responses. I am sorry to learn that you are finding life difficult. I believe that the only person who can change your mind is you: but maybe that will be easier if you can think that some of the people who have left you feeling let down have done their best, so whilst it has not been good enough you should not expect more. Please do not think I am saying you expect to much as I am not and I would apologise if that is the impression I am giving. A social worker once wrote that my mother seemed to enjoy seeing me suffer and I found that thinking she had maybe done her best helped me get rid of the resentment that was stopping me from moving on. I also believe friends are few and far between and when with mine I want to enjoy myself and not talk about things I find difficult. You can spend time with colleagues and acquaintances without them being friends. One other thing I found helpful is acknowledging that if I allow myself to be treated like a doormat I should not complain when someone wipes their feet. You have as much right to respect and love as anyone else and when you believe this others will also. I wish you well.
Hi Aaron,
Thank you for being so honest. It helps all of us get to know who you are and also helps us feel like none of us are truly alone. That’s why I really like this forum.
Two key things jumped out at me in a positive light when I read your post. 1) Your wife is very supportive and 2) You are very passionate about your work.
Your tone totally changed when talking about your work and your wife. The two “w’s” in your life seem very important. That’s pretty fantastic. Not many can say they have a supportive partner AND work they love. Is there a way you can focus your attention on those two things right now? Then, when you are feeling better, start searching for a hobby where you can meet new people or have more couple’s nights so that you have your wife with you when socializing? Just a few thoughts.
Your suggestion has been my go to for years.
I admire you Aaron! You are strong, way stronger than you describe yourself. You are responsible and you do not let down other people. I am sure you will get better
Its been a while m' lady! Thank you for the complements. I've missed you! How are you?
Keeping somehow... better days will come for us all!!
Hope you feel better soon
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