I have a very good friend who is dying of cancer. She just cut me out of her circle and it is really hurtful. Depression and anxiety abound.

[Jane_5060]

We’ve been good friends since 9th grade. I really don’t know what caused this turn of events but I really believe she is not doing this to save me from extra grief. She’s mad and has treated me like crap the past two weeks. I have offered to do everything for her. Sent up prayers and good wishes through texts, Facebook, messenger. “Can I see you? Talk to you if you are up to it? Run errands?” Nope. She seems to have time for everyone else and puts it all on Facebook. She has other friends document what is happening. Today she posted details of what doctors are trying next. She loves all the attention. I know her and that’s how she operates but she can be good too. She thanked everyone for their prayers, then proceeded to put a ❤️ next to everyone’s good wishes, except mine, nothing. I felt so hurt and humiliated. Our mutual friends are not keeping me in the loop. This is a terrifying time for her. I feel horrible for her, but it is devastating to me too. I’ve always been there for her. Been crying every day. I feel like I’m done. I didn’t do anything wrong.

[JP8810]

So sorry to hear about your friends illness and your strained relationship. Is it possible that she has some depression and is manifesting it in an unusual way? Youre doing the right things-being available and praying for her. To borrow a line from the movie 'A River Runs Through it': "We can love completely without complete understanding". God bless!

[Jane_5060 in reply to JP8810]

Thank you so much JP8810! Appreciate it!

[Jane_5060 in reply to JP8810]

Yes, she has had depression at times and it certainly could have an effect. Thank you for the, ‘A River Runs through It’ line! That is very true.🙂

[Waiting4themoon]

Hi Jane_5060, thank you for your kind reply to my message to cocoyellow. I read your post too and was thinking about replying but wasn’t sure about what to say. Your message prompted me to write.

It occurred to me that possibly, sometimes when people are in a position where they feel that they are loosing control, one of the ways of gaining control is to alienate their closest friends. It seems weird but it might be true.

The truth is, unless they tell us - and for some people they may not even understand their own motives - we will never know.

It is just so frustrating, hurtful and painful when people that we care a lot about behave unpleasantly towards us. It is only normal to feel hurt and humiliated by her behaviour.

I hope you can tell yourself that this really isn’t a reflection on the kind and caring person who you are but rather something mysterious about her behaviour and the very sad situation that she finds herself in.

It can be very hard to continue to reach out to someone when they are actively pushing you away. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t manage.

However, if you are able to see her pain and find the strength to continue to just send her kind and loving messages all the same, I’m sure you will thank yourself in the long run and certainly grow as a person through this experience.

Wishing you only all the best 😀

[Jane_5060 in reply to Waiting4themoon]

Wow- Waiting4themoon, that was exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you. I hadn’t thought about her alienating me because we are so close. It makes sense. She can be hurtful but she can be kind…Complex person. Thank you for not telling me to be the bigger person and beg for forgiveness. I haven’t done anything wrong. There’s only so much I’m willing to do under these current circumstances. Appreciate your wise, caring words!!!

[Agora1]

Hi Jane, I agree with "Waiting4themoon". At the final stages of our lives,we may not want all the hoopla of family and friends around us. Each one of

us is different and we need to respect that decision of the dying patient.

It is the most private time of one's life. I've seen families hold the person's hand

and tell them, "it's okay, just let go" Actually, I don't think I would want that person

there with me. When it's time for my last breath, I'd rather it happen naturally.

I may not be in the same moment as the person by my side.

It's about the last control of our life that we will have.

Please don't be upset. It's not something against you. She may also just want

to have the memories of all the good years you had together. She may not want

you to watch her pass. Pray for her and keep her in your thoughts, she will sense

that. Let her die knowing that you will always be her friend. I support you xx

[Jane_5060]

Thanks so much Agora! Wish to talk more on the subject with you, I’m just getting too tired tonight. I really respect your advice!! I support you too!!😊

[Galen_Writer]

The same thing happened when my stepfather died. My mother suddenly disowned me. It lasted a few months. I was crushed, scarred. But my therapist said, grief will make people do and say all kinds of things. Jane, it’s them, not us. Don’t take the (albeit unconscious) bait and get drawn into any drama. Just be yourself, your normal “adult in the room” self. Their grief may lead them down paths where sometimes we can meet up again, and other times down paths where we cannot follow. Our futures hold many paths and people yet to meet.

[Jane_5060]

Galen, thanks so much! I just got a nasty text from my friend. She’s getting bolder with her unreasonable dislike of me. Not that I am perfect by any means. But, she said she didn’t have the energy to deal with my issues anymore, that I should keep my distance. That I have an unhealthy relationship with social media. Meaning simply, l get my feelings hurt when I don’t receive enough likes on Facebook. I’m sorry but isn't that a requirement to get onto this website 😉! Is that not typical for depressives? Our main bond is our depression. Two weeks ago she called me and talked for 4 hours. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. But I listened. She has no idea what a good friend she has in me.

Anyway I couldn’t respond. I wanted to but I thought better of it. You are right - I was taking the bait and being led down a path of drama. You get it precisely. I very much hope I can meet other people down another pathway in the future. That’s not being mean. Just taking care of myself, WHICH I GET TO DO!!!!! …,by the way.😊😊 Thank you again, Galen!

[copasedic]

I’m so sorry for your pain! It is real and you need to grieve. A similar thing happened to me with my longest friend. At the smallest offense, she wrote me off for life! (It’s been like 5 years so I think she’s serious). We were friends for over 50 years!!!! It took awhile, but I reminded myself of Mrs. Roosevelt’s quote “ You can’t be a friend to anyone else unless you are a friend to yourself”. I’m at peace now and decided my Lord didn’t want her in my life anymore. I hope you heal.

[Jane_5060]

Thank you so much Copasedic! I needed that! I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain with your friend. I appreciate so much your understanding!

[Clarrisa]

I can relate to how you feel. Although I was & remained the primary caregiver of my friend during their downward health spiral, their love & affection I could plainly see became directed towards others as curtains loomed. I could only chalk it up to one of the five stages of grief they had entered at the time.

After you have invested so much of yourself in a relationship over the years it does hurt. I view it now as one of the great mysteries of death, that one has to experience themselves to comprehend.

[Jane_5060]

Thank you so much Clarrisa! Thank you for your understanding. We are/were very close. I’m thinking more and more this has something to do with it. Especially after reading responses here. Yesterday she told me to stay away and she was rather cutting with her remarks. Her affection as you mentioned has all gone to others. She is allowed to go home for awhile, which is good for her. I do hope she derives comfort from it and the love of her family. I am honoring her request to give her distance.

[RoseyViolet]

So sorry for your pain with your friend. That's really tough to live with! Yes, she could be isolating for a variety of reasons, I guess I would just take any friend relationship she may have by letting her know that no matter what, you will ALWAYS be there, but for now that you are stepping back and simply praying for her and allowing her space. Assure her that you are there for her at her "highs or low" points, no matter what, you'll be there for her, when or if she wants to reach out to you. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to back off and allow them to process and live their own life. It's healthy to protect yourself and not allow anyone to steal your "pie" of the happy slice of life no matter what they are going through.

[Jane_5060 in reply to RoseyViolet]

Thank you so much! I appreciate everything you said! It’s very helpful! I have backed off. I have told her I am there for her as always. Today is my birthday 🎂. She texted me birthday wishes and I responded very positively without overdoing it. I am very grateful for this small but important interaction. Thank you God🙏 and thank you everyone here on the website! Have a good day RoseyViolet!

[RoseyViolet in reply to Jane_5060]

Happy Birthday!!! Awe!!! That's fantastic to hear... baby steps to progress... one day at a time. A cancer diagnosis is very hard to deal with, I suspect as she proceeds forward her true friends will rise to the top of her list of reaching out to. Stay focused and stay positive... it's not you!

[Jane_5060 in reply to RoseyViolet]

Thank you!!