Hopeless

[masa2333]

I posted this in another anxiety community too, but I want to connect with as many of you, and share experiences. This is also my first time posting here.

So I think my main problem is loneliness. When I’m at my family’s everything is okay. When I’m with friends everything is okay. But the second I am alone I start panicking and getting symptoms - can’t breathe and heart racing with the feeling I’m going to faint or have a heart attack or a stroke.

Besides that, I am also afraid when I’m surronded with people I don’t really know that well. I can’t help but think if anything happens, no one will give a damn.

Also, went to my first college lecture today (been absence first 2 weeks of semester because of anxiety and fear) and I felt so weird, like I couldn’t tolerate the lights in the classroom, it was too bright and it gave me fatigue. Lot of people had seasonal flu and I suddenly found myself covering my nose and mouth with scarf and going to the toilet to wash my hands so often. Hold my breath during lecture as long as I could not to catch a virus! Am I going mad?

Is it loneliness that I’m afraid of? Is it uncertainity? Stepping out of a comfort zone? I just feel so low when I can’t do things that used to make me happy. I also gained weight by not being able to do anything but be in bed or sit still! I’m scared of any movement that will make my heart race. Ughh.

I can’t sleep at night. I find myself awake till 5 or 6 am, and my college classes starts at about 9am. So I sleep all day...

I am taking meds and I haven’t had a full blown panic attack since taking them so they mostly keep my physical symtoms in check, but still... so frustrated that I just can’t continue to live like before, and I feel like a failure and hate myself for what I’ve become. I lost the only friend that I had and I keep thinking my bf will also give up on me as well as my family.

[MMoth]

Have you been to your doctor lately? The symptoms you describe warrant a check-up. In the meantime, breathe deeply, wear a disposable mask to classes, and don’t give up! You can move ahead with a “new normal” and will be happy again.

[masa2333 in reply to MMoth]

Yes I was a month ago to the several doctors and every doctor told me that it’s all in my head... but it is hard to believe that everything is ‘in my head’ because I feel so bad I just want to cry.

[masa2333 in reply to MMoth]

Thank you very much on your reply and excuse me for being so pessimistic...

[MMoth in reply to masa2333]

You are not being pessimistic. You are being honest. You NEED to be honest. Find a doctor who will listen to you and offer coping strategies. Of course it is “in your head.” Isn’t that why all of us are on this forum? Maybe you could check out the psychology department at your college/university. Many times, they offer counseling, therapy, group support at no cost.

[masa2333 in reply to MMoth]

You are right. I do go to the psychologist once a week and it did help with panic attacks, since going there+being medicated with SSRI’s and benzos my panic attacks didn’t occur, but I am still frightened to death, crying and feeling so alone and hopeless, like not being worth of anything. Scared for my own life and frightened of so many things, mainly health related (i lost my father due to illness and my mom and grandmom are also going through a lot medical issues - I don’t have courage to say C-word)

I don’t take care of myself anymore and just feel like a crap. My psychologist tries so hard, but I feel like I am a lost case

[MMoth]

You are NOT a lost cause. Find your purpose and pursue it.