Alone

[had_o]

Whenever I’m by myself I get this overwhelming sense of worthlessness and loneliness. When I’m with my boyfriend or certain friends I feel fine. But then they have to go or I have to go and I’m all alone again, and my mind takes over. I just feel useless, worthless, bored, anxious, alone, and that I don’t really matter. I can’t stand being alone with myself bc I hate myself, and that’s when bad things tend to happen. I can’t do this anymore

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry you are going through those feelings... I used to feel alone and uncomfortable in my own skin... but that was from my abandonment issues, depression, and CPTSD.

Why do you feel this way...what's going on with you to feel badly about yourself...

[had_o in reply to fauxartist]

I just hate myself. I always have. My mind, how I look, and my appearance. I’m fat and I hate my mental illnesses and I just want to be normal.

[fauxartist in reply to had_o]

if you don't mind me asking....has this been something you have felt all your life...was there any point in your life where you did like yourself, what was home life like...

[had_o in reply to fauxartist]

Yep. As long as I can remember...😔 my home life is not great. I still live at home as I’m still in high school, my younger brother has autism, my mom has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, my dad is an alcoholic and has bipolar disorder and my extended family (on my dads side) has substance abuse issues and mental health issues and there was a suicide. My moms side has their interpersonal relationship issues as well. And I’ve bore the backlash of my parents’ issues, as whenever they were stressed they took it out on me, verbally and emotionally. I’ve been the metaphorical (not at all literal) punching bag for years. Sorry this was a lot...

[fauxartist in reply to had_o]

I totally understand that.... and it's taken me decades to get a handle on why I felt that way, understanding it, and learning how to live my life with the aftermath of it...you are fortunately reaching out now so that hopefully you will get some help now through various means, therapy, and from veterans here who know the drill..who are healing ..and what happens down the road.... meaning.... there is hope for change.... and you were not dealt a great hand to start with....you have and had a seriously heavy burden for a little kid to try and manurer the mine fields of mental illness in your home. It's hard enough dealing with our own issues while trying to grow up, but to have our caregivers not be there for us the way they should be in a perfect world make life so difficult at times...they should have been the ones who love us and pick us up when we fall. To nurture us and teach us to love and be loved...and know that we are valued.

I know that pain....and what it does to you.... I hope you will keep sharing and there are a lot of posts and comments here dealing with these issues, ...many of us here have grown up in dysfunctional family's and are damaged from it. Many of us also have mental health issues from it, I have depression, abandonment issues, anxiety, and CPTSD. You are not alone with this...we do understand, and it's hard to talk to people who don't have these issues...they don't get us. I'm glad your here.

[Draynor]

Well the good news is your probably the only person that sees you that way. Like you said you have a boyfriend who probably finds you attractive you have friends who think your interesting enough to hang out with so I'm sure all the people in your life don't find you useless. The thing with mental illness and anxiety that you have to remember is what you see in the mirror or hear in your head isn't always true sometimes your head lies to you. But you don't have to believe the lie. Is there anything you'd good at our enjoy doing.

[had_o in reply to Draynor]

I do crossfit and Olympic lifting...but I’m starting to lose interest in it and I’ve lost interest in all the other things I used to enjoy

[Draynor in reply to had_o]

Wow that's amazing i used to work out a lot and play sports but my anxiety is mostly hypochondria driven so it's hard for me to stay in shape because i always feel like I'm dieing. Well i would say stick with it if you can and if not that find something else that makes you happy. Sometimes i find myself getting stuck in a rut of doing what I've always done because that's what I've always done. Sometimes it's good to try new things and you might find something that brings you joy. It's hard to find the good in life through anxiety and depression because we dwell on the negative but if you push yourself sometimes you can see the beauty in things. And just from the couple of comments I've seen here i would say pretty confidently that you're not useless just remember that anxiety and depression are hard and it takes a strong person to get up everyday and deal with it and then to go out and do crossfit and Olympic weight lifting on top of that is outstanding, don't forget to remind yourself of the good you do.

[had_o in reply to Draynor]

Thanks...I appreciate it

[Hidden in reply to had_o]

What’s Olympic lifting? Is that with bumper weights?

[had_o in reply to Hidden]

Yes

[fauxartist in reply to Draynor]

great comment ....

[MsJazzy]

It sounds like you have had a really tough life and I can see why you may not like yourself. I can see why being around other people, outside of your family, can certainly be life giving. It also keeps your mind off of your family issues, so it gives you a break. Unfortunately, it is not realistic to always be around others and never be alone. We all need time alone to reflect on our lives, so that we can make needed change to grow. You may not be at an age where you can move away from home, so I pray that you will have strength to endure. I encourage you to stick to those things that interest you, like the weight lifting. It will give you power and strength.

[had_o in reply to MsJazzy]

Thank you...❤️

[Hidden]

ik im totally late and this was two years ago, but i just saw this now, im goin through the exact same thing, cuz i rlly hate myself too , and i also feel worthless when my bf or friend isnt around, ur not the only one, but im trying to stop thoughts from coming into my head that tell me these things, most often those thoughts arent true, so try to get them out of ur head, thats what im doing...

since this comment is rlly late its 2 years later after u wrote this, so , how are u doing now?