This is the first time I am opening up on here. It is especially hard for me because I feel as if I don't have a major triggering traumatic event or moment to onset this depression and anxiety that I am feeling. On top of that, I am only 26 years old who most would think has a pretty good life (on the outside at least) and I feel like there should be no reason for me to feel this way.
I had a similar episode of depression and anxiety 3 years ago, when I was a senior in College. For months, I did all the things your not supposed to do (isolate yourself, eat poorly, not ask for help) and it was one of the most difficult times of my life. Eventually, I asked for help, reached out to friends and family, found a therapist, and was able to conquer the battle.
Since then, I decided that I wanted to be an advocate for mental health by using my goofy and silly personality to make people smile and be that shoulder to lean on for anyone going through a tough time. I wanted to be the person that I wish I would have had by my side when I was battling depression. For the last 6 months, I was doing just that for my friends, family, and my community and I truly felt as if I had found my purpose. Then, in March, after a vacation nonetheless, the depression and anxiety came back with full force.
Since then, I feel as if I have slowly been disintegrating. My bed traps me in the mornings with dark thoughts ruminating in my head. My self-care habits seem pointless. I lack the motivation to do anything, which makes it especially difficult looking for work. The worst is the constant cloud over my head and inability to concentrate enough to hold conversations with people. This part especially hurts because my vibrant personality and ability to talk with people were my only real skill, without it, I feel like I am a complete idiot. I can't express myself and feel as if I am drawing a complete blank in my head all the time. DOES ANYONE FEEL LIKE THIS TOO?
This episode has caught me so off guard that I can't muster up the energy to do the things I know I need to do. For about a month and a half now, I have been trapping myself in my parent's house escaping by watching TV. I am afraid of everything and am avoiding interactions with anyone. The numbness and blank head space have me feeling like I am mentally and emotionally broken and defeated.