Hopeless

[masa2333]

I posted this in another anxiety community too, but I want to connect with as many of you, and share experiences. This is also my first time posting here.

So I think my main problem is loneliness. When I’m at my family’s everything is okay. When I’m with friends everything is okay. But the second I am alone I start panicking and getting symptoms - can’t breathe and heart racing with the feeling I’m going to faint or have a heart attack or a stroke.

Besides that, I am also afraid when I’m surronded with people I don’t really know that well. I can’t help but think if anything happens, no one will give a damn.

Also, went to my first college lecture today (been absence first 2 weeks of semester because of anxiety and fear) and I felt so weird, like I couldn’t tolerate the lights in the classroom, it was too bright and it gave me fatigue. Lot of people had seasonal flu and I suddenly found myself covering my nose and mouth with scarf and going to the toilet to wash my hands so often. Hold my breath during lecture as long as I could not to catch a virus! Am I going mad?

Is it loneliness that I’m afraid of? Is it uncertainity? Stepping out of a comfort zone? I just feel so low when I can’t do things that used to make me happy. I also gained weight by not being able to do anything but be in bed or sit still! I’m scared of any movement that will make my heart race. Ughh.

I am taking meds and I haven’t had a full blown panic attack since taking them so they mostly keep my physical symtoms in check, but still... so frustrated that I just can’t continue to live like before, and I feel like a failure and hate myself for what I’ve become. I lost the only friend that I had and I keep thinking my bf will also give up on me as well as my family.

[Andy-Peace]

Hi 👋🏼 masa2333. I can relate to u. I felt like a failure, and hated myself also. It’s like then, u ask ur self and God, why me? I went on like that for years. Losing it every day. Sad, scared, anxious and paranoid beyond belief. I ended up in the psych unit and it changed my life. Life can b so difficult. Keep ur head up!! U will come outta this stronger. Keep working w ur Dr. I’m sure u are a worth while person!! Take care of U. u are worth it, and I will b praying 🙏🏼 for u. I’m happy u found this app. Seems like a good one

[masa2333 in reply to Andy-Peace]

Hello Andy, thank you so much on kind words!

I will keep working and trying to improve myself, it’s just so hard at the moments and feels like impossible. Also, when pain on most random places occur it can really further makr you question everyone and everything. But I hope we all find our peace 🙏

[Chav_a143]

I would recommend starting small! Do little things throughout the day that scare you and celebrate these small victories (: it will be tough but over time hopefully it will get better! For me I was (still am) terrified of going out of my comfort zone so I started with simply saying hi to people I knew when I saw them walk past me (this used to scare me for some reason I think it was because I’m afraid of rejection and awkwardnesss and doing things wrong)

[masa2333 in reply to Chav_a143]

Thank you on advice!

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere in social circles. Like I cannot succed to make any friends and always think that people find me rather boring and ignore me. No one ever encountered me for those 3 years in college and other people do socialise with each other. I do say hi to them and I can talk to them when we’re on classes but it’s usually small talk and ends soon. I feel like the problem is in me. And health anxiety is a reeeeaaally bad place. I covered my nose and mouth with scarf and turned around because people around me had small flu? Didn’t want to breath out of fear of virus and went to the bathroom so often to wash my hands? Like, who does that? But couldn’t help it...

I am happy that you see some improvement in your behaviour! I wish u all the luck

[Ollyvie]

Hello masa2333,

Am sorry to hear of what you are going through. I understand how you are feeling, and I know its nor easy. Its okay and normal to feel lonely every now and them when no body is around. Even sometimes in the mist of people and family I feel alone, and life may look like you are all by yourself. Sometimes we just have to reach out to people we trust who will listen to us. You are not alone. There are people out there going through the same thing. Am glad you did step out of your comfort zone to go back to lectures. If you have been able to start, then you’ve got what it takes to continue. Just keep telling yourself you can do it and don’t let anything discourage you. This is full of uncertainties and that can be overwhelming. But don’t let it drown you. Take each day as a challenge that you will overcome no matter what comes your way. Take deep breath to calm your nerves and encourage yourself. Look for inspiration song, books or articles to read.

[masa2333 in reply to Ollyvie]

Thank you very much for an encouragement. My problem is more of a lonely feeling that is always following me for the past 4 years or so... it’s just so much stronger now with anxiety and panic disorder. It’s amongst people that I feel most lonely, because everyone is divided in their own friends group and I’m the one standing besides trying to make a contact with someone but it’s short-lived.

Yes, a fact that I found this forum and heard so many experiencies of all the different people made me feel a bit better, I stopped believing that I’m going mad or that I will 100% die. I’m sad that there are people who feel like that but at the same time I’m happy to know that I’m not alone.

Thank you so much again. I wish you all the best