What's Next?

[ShellofMyself]

Lately, I have had some dark thoughts sneaking back into my head... I'm in my last few semesters of Graduate School with only one prerequisite course and my thesis left. I've been wondering "what's next" a lot these past few months. I abandoned Grad School back in 2003 and returned after 14 long years away and living abroad in Asia. Grad School, for a long while, was my last big challenge to fulfill and once it is done, I just feel like I have nothing going for me anymore. I've had thoughts of suicide after graduation... There are just no more challenges for me anymore. Everything I've wanted to accomplish, I have done.

The only thing that has kept me going is a friend who is completing her master's degree soon and she and I have cheered each other on... I have some strong feelings for her but have been really scared to ever mention them. I've told her many times that her texts always put a smile on my face, but that could be said: "as friends."

As I said, I'm just having those dark thoughts coming back and fear of the unknown really doesn't help.

[MMoth]

Think about how you can use your degree and education to make the world a better place. It seems that you thrive when challenged, so look for the next one. Ask yourself if you have truly accomplished every challenge that exists for you. Perhaps the challenge of finding the next challenge (lol) will keep you going! Don’t quit on life- so much good is out there. As for the girl, put yourself out there and ask her to dinner. If she agrees to go, yeah for you! If she declines, ask the next girl. New challenges, right?

[ShellofMyself in reply to MMoth]

MMoth,

Thanks for the reply. I tried to put my knowledge and education to use in an attempt to "make the world a better place," but unfortunately the place where I was at the time really destroyed my love for teaching. I sometimes think about looking for that "next" challenge, but lately, it's just been so hard.

[froggymom88]

I'm very impressed that you went back and finished your schooling after 14 yrs. It doesn't sound like you are a person who gives up. What is your degree in? What about going for a PhD? Have you thought about traveling, volunteering? You have much life ahead of you and many roads to choose from and many people out there to meet. Keep on the journey.

[ShellofMyself in reply to froggymom88]

froggy,

Thanks for the reply and the compliment. Yeah, for a long time, I refused to give up...mostly it was a "me against the world" mentality and trying to prove myself to the naysayers. That's been kinda the hardest part for me since I started Grad School...I silenced the naysayers from my past. I had people tell me I wasn't good enough for this or not smart enough for that.

My first degree is in History with a minor in Political Science and I'm currently working on my second degree, which is a Masters of Liberal Arts with an emphasis in History. As for my Ph.D., I just don't feel I have it in me to keep going down that path. I would love to return to Asia and teach at the university level...I just haven't really looked into it. Maybe it's a possibility...

[MMoth in reply to ShellofMyself]

You said “I would love to return to Asia...”. You would “love.” “Love.” !!!!! That must be your passion. And your next challenge?

[ShellofMyself in reply to MMoth]

I have had thoughts of returning to Asia to teach again, but they've been just that... "thoughts."

[froggymom88]

Wow! Do think seriously about teaching. I was a teacher for many years .(Retired now) It is a most rewarding career. Just always be nice to yourself and replace any negative statement from people with a positive one. Best of Luck and God's Blessings.

[ShellofMyself in reply to froggymom88]

I was an ESL teacher for about fourteen years while I was overseas. It was one of the most rewarding experiences with some of the best students I have ever taught. I attempted to continue teaching here in the States, but it wasn't as rewarding as it had been in Asia. The difference in culture and the focus on learning was really noticeable.

Thank you for the kind words and suggestion of "be nice to yourself and replace any negative statements from people with a positive one." I tend to just ignore people and their negative statements, as well as just remain silent around people in general. I have had people look down their noses at me for so long whenever I have tried to contribute anything to discussions. These days, I will only speak when I feel it is absolutely necessary, if at all. It's funny (maybe sad, I don't know which) how I can go hours without speaking to anyone.