Introduction I guess

[Sausagedogman]

Hello!

I've had anxiety for a long time (with some panic attacks) and I'm finding lately I'm having sort of long term sweeping moods. For example, I was more or less OK in December, then in January I got really depressed for a few weeks or really about a month. Then it seemed to ease off, and while my mood didn't recover to feeling great, I got to a sort of stable not that good but OK plateau. Now, over the last few weeks, I'm back in a terrible depression. I'm able to do pretty much everything that I'm supposed to do (go to work, clean myself, etc) but I don't have any joy in anything. I've had some pretty severe suicidal thoughts as well (ranging from active to passive), which are finally starting to resolve (though I did have a thought of being run over on my bicycle earlier today). I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatry provider.

I have a lot of stressors in my life, and they are absolutely contributing to my mental state, but I can't figure out how to draw the line and cut some of those commitments, as they represent a lot of work I've put into my field. Probably my biggest is I'm almost through with my Masters, and this last class (a practical experience) continues to loom like a dark cloud in front of me. Any time I think about it my heart starts to race. I don't want to withdraw, as there was a lot of prep work for it and I've already paid money I won't get back, not to mention I've done almost two years of grad school to get here, but I also don't feel like I can handle it. My therapist helped me put it in perspective earlier, comparing my life to my success (or not) in grad school, and helped me remember that it's more important to be alive than to finish grad school right now or at all. I just find I'm looking at that choice and it isn't so black and white - can I be successful? is it easiest just to hunker down and feel awful all summer and finish? Will it push me over my tipping point? I don't know !

Anyways - I'm trying out online support groups and may try one in person. I'm not sure what I'm actually getting at in this post other than saying hello I'm here and am curious how to best use this medium. Thanks all

[Dolphin14]

Sausagedogman

Welcome to the community. We are here to listen and support you.

The words " I don't have any joy" hit me hard. They sum up your whole story right now.

If there is no joy at all what do you have? I understand you have this last class to get through but at what cost.

I wish when I was your age I had the sense to even think that I might be able to step away from something before I reached the burn out point.

It's a tough decision but maybe losing the money and saving yourself now is better than knowingly taking on more than you want or can handle.

You can always go back at a later date and finish can't you?

Think about your quality of life, it goes by fast.

I hope you find this site helpful

🐬

[Sausagedogman in reply to Dolphin14]

I appreciate that. I think you (and my therapist) are right. We'll see how it goes. It's so easy to get on this cycle of anticipating the next thing, that you don't get to slow down and enjoy where you are. At least it is for me.

Thanks for your response

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sausagedogman]

I lived on that cycle for so long. We all think it's the way things are supposed to be until the day we can't go any further.

I know it's a tough one for you. You can talk yourself into going either way. I've been there so I get it

[BlueAgave]

Welcome! Sounds like you've got a lot going on. Is there a way to postpone your last class for medical reasons? I know it's difficult to decide if you just want to get it over with or focus on your well-being. In my opinion, your health is more important. Maybe just a small break from school would be helpful. I wish you the best in your decision!

[Sausagedogman in reply to BlueAgave]

I appreciate that. There's a lot of work in it to where I am now, but I'm thinking I'm having a sunken costs fallacy kind of moment. We'll see

[Sausagedogman in reply to BlueAgave]

I weighed the pros and cons a little more and dropped my classes for now. I'll try to pick them back up in the spring. What a weight off my chest !

Thanks for your support. I can spend a little more time focusing on getting myself right now I think.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sausagedogman]

🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

[BlueAgave in reply to Sausagedogman]

That's awesome! Hard decision I know, but will give you a chance to work things out for your health!! Yay!

[Dolphin14]

Now may I ask you a serious question. Do you have a doxie?

[Sausagedogman in reply to Dolphin14]

Yes two of em . Here's a picture of the more photogenic one looking proud on a hike

Goosie the dachshund

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Sausagedogman]

Goosie is a beauty.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sausagedogman]

I had one that's why I had to ask. Tomorrow is the 5th year anniversary of his passing

I love these dogs. They are the most loyal, lovable, stubborn and funny dogs. How old is Goosie

William. His very first professional photo and the day he crossed bridge 😢❤️

[Sausagedogman in reply to Dolphin14]

I'm sorry about your loss. I know these guys can't last forever :(. he's about 8 now. Usually very lazy ( loves being in my lap) but he's game for a good hike too!

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sausagedogman]

Thank you. I've been crying for 2 weeks. This little guy was my world. He was 14 when he passed so Goosie has a way to go

Thank you for sharing.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Dolphin14]

Whoa, this threw me for a minute.

Doxie: a boldly flirtatious or sexually promiscuous woman.

Goodness, I thought we were entering uncharted territory.

[Sausagedogman in reply to Nothing_but_books]

haha it's better than offering to show people pictures of my weiner!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Sausagedogman]

😆

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sausagedogman]

Lmao!

[Dolphin14 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Holy cow NBB you scandalous woman!

❤️🐬

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Dolphin14]

Moi?

[Dolphin14 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Oui Toi

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Dolphin14]

😱😆

[Hidden]

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation right now, but I think your therapist is right in that your life and your well-being are more important than graduate school. You may lose money if you drop out but when you are ready, you can go back to school and finish. I don’t know if you are on any medications, but that would be another consideration to discuss with your therapist.

With regard to your dogs, my wife and I had three dachshund over a period of about 20 years. For a good part of that time , all three were with us and they were like our children. Dachshund are very protective of their owners and also very independent and can be stubborn sometimes. They are unique little dogs and we miss them very much. Their names were Bennie, Louie, and Sammy. We thought maybe they should open a delicatessen .

[Sausagedogman in reply to Hidden]

I appreciate your feedback. I ended up dropping the class yesterday (they’re going to refund me too!). The crushing anxiety is better but the depression persists. I’m trying a new depression medication. All the ones I’ve tried I just always have every bad side effect. We’ll get there eventually I guess. Just feel like eeyore in the meantime.

The dachshunds are good dogs. They have so much personality! The stubbornness is real! Thanks for sharing about yours.