Downward spiral

That's me, on the struggle bus-intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts. In the last few days, I've had ups and downs, but today, I'm so damn anxious that I can't stand it. Most of it is my emetophobia. And thanks to the agoraphobia, I still can't leave the house, and my daughter had surgery today (a breast reduction), and, here I am, the mom of the year can't go see her and comfort her. 😕 All I can do is clean her room and make it nice for when she comes home. I don't feel good, though, so I'm not even doing that! I haven't been sleeping well. That doesn't help.

I feel like I'm spiraling down, out of control 😪. I take my meds, do grounding techniques, and talk with my wife, but lately, it's not working. It's like, if that shit doesn't work, what will? Do I give up?

Idk wtf to do with myself. I'm in my dark bedroom with the TV on, alone, as I've pushed people away.

I just can't stand this. I don't wanna live this way. Selfishly, I do think about a way out but, no I won't because I live for everyone else, so that they don't lose me. That's my only purpose right now - not causing hurt to the people I love by not being here anymore. It would break people. So I'm here, spiraling down. Sighhhhhh. I feel like giving up.

Does anyone have ideas as to what I do with this? Or can you relate? I'm at my wit's end. Sorry that this is long. 😪

Thanks for reading.

[Agora1]

Hi Swilly79

It's time to get off that bus and take a different route, a different transport.

Time to move those muscles...lying in a dark room in bed watching tv is not the

way to go. I have found (even if you go nowhere) the idea is to shower, get dressed

first thing after breakfast in the morning. Just seeing the reflection looking back

at you as someone more pulled together can help.

Knowing that if you wanted or needed to get out, you could and if not, you still

look great lol

Never, ever give up. When you even think that, you are defeated. I can't count how

many times I've missed weddings, funerals, hospital visits because of my anxiety.

At first I tried over and over to explain what I was feeling. The more I did, the worse

I felt because no one understood. Once I stopped feeling guilty about saying "no"

I just couldn't, I started getting better.

I hope your daughter does well. Do what you can at home for her. Caring for someone

once they get home is a big benefit to them.

You may not want to live this way but for now, that's all your mind knows. Work with

what you have but never give up. You're day will come when things will get easier

for you. Love yourself my friend, you are here for a reason. Don't dismiss that fact xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Ahhhh, thank you, that was all so helpful, seriously. It feels better when I know that you get it ya know? "It's time to get off that bus and take a different route, a different transport."

- that's the truth!

It is time for a change. I'm just scared. The inner me that I used to love is still in here, she just needs a little coaxing. The anxiety that brings is insane and makes it feel impossible, but it is possible. Thank you for reminding me.

Thank you Agora1 !!!🙂

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

With tears in my eyes, I thank you. I do get it xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

🫂 🤗 👐

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Agora1]

beautiful response Agora. U rock.

[Hidden in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Truth 🙏

[ElephantsHear]

You express your situation well and the post isn’t long. An SSRI, like Prozac or Citalopram might help with the intrusive thoughts- it’s definitely worth seeing a doctor for (you might be able to find a provider to do a video appt. if you’re unable to leave the home, but if you can get out plz do- it’ll help with the feeling of isolation). Sometimes I have to remind myself of the devastation I’d cause my son if I died. If you have to use that type of guilt temporarily until you get help, do it. But, guilt over not functioning well in a distressing/ uncontrollable period is unnecessary. You deserve peace and to feel better. I hope if you ever feel desperate you go to the ER (it’s a life threatening emergency) or call the suicide hotline. If you tell the ER you’re having suicidal thoughts they should get you back right away to keep you safe. I hope you feel better soon.

[Hidden in reply to ElephantsHear]

Thank you so much! I have a doctor, and a therapist and I take meds but, this anxiety is a monster! It's been coming after me lately.

I do have stress and I know my body just devours it and the anxiety monster shows up.

But, I am not actively suicidal though. Ideation is the word used for how I am.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate it. 🙏

[Hidden in reply to ElephantsHear]

When you said "But, guilt over not functioning well in a distressing/ uncontrollable period is unnecessary."It's so true. Ty. 🙏

[ElephantsHear]

I’m glad to see your response to Agora’s great advice/ insight is positive and hopeful. You can do it. You deserve it!

[Hidden in reply to ElephantsHear]

Thank you 🙏 😊 Damn right I can!🤞

[SayNOtoPanic]

sounds like you’re at the back of the bus, with that horrid monster aka mr anxiety. You need to crawl back up to the drivers seat. Tell him to shut up, you’re raising the rent and no space in ur head. Get out. Then do a set of deep breathing and mantra (I will rise, this shall pass, I’m ok) and keep doing it all combined as much as u need to. Hang in there Swilly. Hope ur daughter is doing well.

[Hidden in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Thank you so much, that helped me. Sometimes all I need to hear is that it'll pass and I'll be ok. The deep breathing is crucial. Thanks again SayNOtoPanic !

[Hidden in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

That damn anxiety monster 👻. He's evil. My daughter is getting discharged today 😊

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Hidden]

yeayyy for ur daughter. God speed her recovery. And yes he’s a monster, raise that rent and kick him out.

[Hidden in reply to SayNOtoPanic]

Thank you! 🙏🙏🙏

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to Hidden]

you’re welcome 🤗

[Teaching]

I feel you need motivation and I'm glad you are here to get all you needed. Thanks for speaking out! It's time to move! Get up, take your bathe and walk around the house. Slow and steady wins the race. I strongly believe you can do it.

[Hidden in reply to Teaching]

Thank you so much! You're right, I need to move around. It's like, I know it but it's hard to do. Thank you again, you've helped Teaching 🙏🙏🙏

[Teaching in reply to Hidden]

We are here to help each other. Have a blessed day 🙏🙏

[Hidden in reply to Teaching]

Thank you and you as well. Truly appreciate you 🙏

[Hidden]

Ahhhh yes, thank you. You're right. I need to let it pass. I'll get there, I just need to believe in myself more ya know? Thanks again , this is helpful Hidden

[Hidden]

I actually have a tattoo that says "you're ok". I just need to believe.

[Hidden]

That's excellent advice actually! I at times can have trouble staying in the moment. I'm working on it. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[Hidden]

Your reply was very kind, thank you 😊

[Montana136]

Hello Swilly79, I just spent the last year in my house only leaving to get groceries or pharmacy. I can relate to agoraphobia and heavy anxiety I've had massive anxiety attacks the last 4 months every morning. I was so uncomfortable I wasn't talking to anybody I wasn't leaving the house I was hiding. That's what I do. I'm sorry you're feeling such anxiety right now this is what I did and I feel a lot better however it took time. I started video journaling just to myself saying the things that I wouldn't say to anybody else not even my therapist. I wrote a FU letters to anxiety I wrote letters to myself I wrote anger letters that I never sent to the people that upset me or hurt me I just said whatever came to my mind I didn't even know the subject of the letter at the time I started but it kind of flows out of you once you start going. I joined this website where there are many many others that suffer the same issues I do. major depressive disorder anxiety PTSD you name it we're all here. It feels good to respond to those who are in pain like you are right now. I feel good I feel better than I did a month ago I just kept telling myself it's anxiety I'm going to be okay. your daughter will understand it if you can go in her room and make something a little pretty for her or write her a love note a get well note a thank you note any kind of note. You may not have the physical strength or mental strength to clean her room and prepare her room but you can write a note. I used to do this with my daughter all the time I felt bad because I couldn't always leave the house but I made it through. I know what you mean when you say you want to give up but your purpose is to stay for the others in your life. Just keep reminding yourself of that. I feel that way too I want to give up a lot of days over the past 50 years but I stay because of family and friends and I know it would hurt them. Try slow control breathing I'm sure you've heard of it before. I'm a writer so I wrote fuck off letters to anxiety like I said before I wrote a few letters to a lot of people but I don't send them I usually tear them up or burn them. Do not send them. It is an exercise just to relieve some of the anxiety in your mind. And then sometimes I just had to let the anxiety run through my body. I couldn't stop the intrusive thoughts no matter how hard I tried. I read a lot about it and it says the more you fight anxiety the more increased it gets. And it's true. I would let myself feel the anxiety for however long and then I would tell myself okay I'm giving myself permission to not feel anxiety for 1 hour. And then I went from an hour to 3 hours and so on. Anxiety will probably always follow me but I feel better after talking it out with the people on this platform. Sometimes responding to somebody else, helps you. That's what I'm doing right now. Take care of yourself be well don't be too hard on yourself. When your daughter gets out of the hospital I'm guessing you live together so you'll be there and sometimes that's just enough.

PS I had a breast reduction and I was so grateful after it was done. But I did have a hard time with my self image. my chest was always very very large and I got used to that so when I woke up and I was a smaller b cup I kind of freaked out a little bit. A crisis of identity. It lasted about 6 months but I have a tendency towards depression. I'm sure your daughter will be happy to have had the surgery. so if she suffers some grief, please understand her like you would like her to understand you and your anxiety. Good luck have a great day I'm thinking about you and I'm sending you positive vibes..

Montana

[Hidden in reply to Montana136]

Thank you SO much for your reply! It all helps and, of course, I don't feel so alone hearing from you. Seriously, I appreciate it.

I do the breathing and what you were saying about not fighting it- that's something I just started to try. It's not easy but, worth the struggle I hope.

Agoraphobia has ruined my life for 6 months but, I'm bound and determined to fight it. I'm missing too much. I'm hiding from anxiety basically, which is impossible. I do have faith in myself for the most part. I have bad moments and days but I am fighting.

My daughter is doing OK so far, she's uncomfortable but, ok. She belongs to a women's breast reduction group which is helping too. Thank you for your kind words. It's all helpful!

Huggggg and I'm sending light your way ✨️✨️✨️