When she asked... I have to see a therapist every 90 days in order to keep getting meds for free and now I have a med that helps me cope I can do much more much easier now)...I don’t like her knowing much about me, I’m sorely closed up. But I can write here. It’s as if being out in the woods, like so many, but you don’t run into them often and aren’t forced to answer questions. I am free here. But I’m horribly afraid out there...not sure of exactly what... so when she asked about being safe I told my therapist I kept thinking of suicide but won’t act on it. Even though I won’t, a part of me depends on being able to and wants to and with that comes a cloud of immense guilt on my back shoving my head down into the dirt and I feel like a dagger will start digging into my heart which feels raw, open and vulnerable. Good thing no one can read my mind as it is plagued with weird ass shit. I won’t share it except to other parts of me, to take and analyze; I feel like I’m a bunch of different people wrapped up in one determined person. Determined to find myself and it seems late. After all I’ve been through I am stronger for it. But I see less of the reality around me as I am in survival mode wanting my heart to survive the holes as I see my brothers death hanging around me everywhere and everyone becomes him and my time becomes a chance for tragedy. I appriciate others who have their triumphs in their stories of struggle their beauty that shines like one huge star leading the way to fighting bears out in storms. I like to try to understand what others stories are and how they think...it’s fascinating. But there’s got to be a time when one lets himself lay down and just be with the dirt and soft green fresh moss...just rest... then who you are is more clear... sometimes I don’t know how... and then I just do. I fight and fix and problem solve and feel guilt and fear and also intensely love without sight only trust of the heart when it always told the truth oh what I’d do to get that gift back. ..intense is an intuition but mine is lost but with determination to wake me up, it can tell me to move to a beautiful spot that somehow I can know and I can see through a space where heaven is true and no matter what you did or where you came from I will be your friend and help you, I will. I recall the beauty of a scene from my life like it’s a movie so I can try to decide what to do next. If I’m in a movie things are more clear like stepping back and observing myself pretending making me up. And even in my dreams I’m in disguise and running and fighting hard.
Thanks for listening and being right around the corner.
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Starrlight
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Aw starr this makes me so sad for you..do you know how wonderful you are..man I sure hope so..you give, give, give..how wonderful. Try to let the past go..I know can be a huge challenge but it will be good for you. You are so precious to me! I love you sis!!!
It's very tough when you have to spend so much time and energy battling with yourself, that you have much less time to simply relax and enjoy the world around you. All that "weird ass shit" are just symptoms of an illness, and there's no need to feel bad about thinking those thoughts, no matter how disturbing they may be.
What happens so often is that we start feeling bad about feeling bad, and that's when it gets really complicated. Have you considered being more open with your therapist about all this? You won't shock him/her with anything you say. They've heard it all many times before. Why not give him/her more of a chance to help you?
It sounds like you have a lot of processing going on and most importantly that you have the instinct to recover ( albeit that some of you is still ambivalent about that ;probably not believing that you have any other option rather than either to live and suffer or to die; there is another option I can tell you ;which is to live and not to suffer; it's a good option. )
I felt stuck between life and suicide for around 40 years at least. I was just absolutely on the verge some months ago but I TRIED once more time. That was all it took. I am now recovered, I am free, I am not dead, I am alive. Peace can also come from recovery not just from death.
I hope this applies and helps your process. Also yes you have a gift and a depth of writing though the meaning to me is the most important bit. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on here. I appreciate it.
(((((((((((Gemma)))))))))) I recall your posts of suffering and my heart always went out to you and I’d pray for you. I am so happy that you are on an easier path in life it’s just beautiful and I have to wonder... what do you think was it that changed? Was it simply your time maybe? Thank you.
I think what it was for me was that I had started to realise my mum had been a full blown narcissistic personality disordered person. I had not realised this for most of my life and had idealised her and supported her whilst not able to nourish or support myself emotionally and I was like "stuck" in this emotionally undeveloped state of being "merged" with her and unable to "individuate". I will now add the words "through no fault of own." Because THAT is the biggest change. I had felt that I was intrinsically weak and disordered and that mum and everyone around me was "OK".
Mum died just over 4 years ago. I think straight after her death I was still in "very busy" mode. I had "cared" for up up till the end ie I had still done what I'd always done for her in trying to take complete responsablity for her emotional needs and meeting every need etc ( but I had towards the end changed my internal attitude towards her; i had realised she really was a narcissist and i really was a victim and it wasn't some story that I had made up. She did not notice by internal change as I behaved the same outwardly and actually I think they are so self obsessed that they actually don't notice the subtler things in life. To her all was as it always had been.
Then later a few months later I think I went into "complex grief". I felt like dying myself and also I was grieving all of the life that I have never had and so the grieving process lasted for more than 3 and a half years. Then I met someone who I tried to "rescue" but despite all my help she still attempted ( and meant to achieve) suicide. This was my worst nightmare. All my life my mum had threatened to take herself away from us, kill herself or I was killing her by not caring enough etc etc. Now we had a situation where I had met someone in difficulty , felt that i could "save" her and then had to recognise the stark reality that despite all my efforts she still attempted.
This was a very difficult time for me. I went into a further grieving process and feeling very suicidal myself ;I think I had "linked" myself too much in fact "merged" in my own mind with this other person, feeling that her life was my life or should I say my life was her life. Ie if she was suicidal then had to feel the same ( as mum always needed me to feel exactly the same as how she felt at any given moment or should I say to exactly tend to her emotional needs without recognising that i had any emotional needs of my own.
This deep despair is the farthest I have gone and the nearest to suicide that i have ever been. I was within an inch and had thoroughly researched it and was literally within the inch. I reached out many times on here and elsewhere. At my ultimate low point I contacted someone who does emotional freedom technique. Someone else had suggested this as she said I had seen a psychologist for over 18 months and was still as distressed as ever.
I think I was ready to just clutch at any straw in order to live, to hope that anything could save me. I wanted to be saved whilst feeling I had no option but to die as I was so tormented. This lady ( the eft person) I spoke to for over an hour on the phone before I met her. She didn't charge me for that call or that time she had spend listening to me basically telling her I was on the verge and was willing to try anything at all even though I didn't know anything about her technique she used. I went to see her and I booked a really long ( 3 hours) appointment. I did this on 3 occasions.
I think that her making that time available to me ( obviously I paid but i honestly thought I was going to commit suicide anyway so I thought what did it matter if I was overspending on my budget as literally I would probably be gone in a week or so. ) She listened she helped she did reflexology, she believed in me. The EFT we didn't do much of but the reflexology and the reiki seemed to balance my whole system and just the loving care and time she gave me.
I really didn't expect it but it seems like I have moved now in a positive direction and not likely to go back to these thoughts. I am finding my strength and have managed to see myself as a separate being from other people ( hard to explain but that was my main problem; i didn't think I could survive without being "merged" with an abuser) .
That is just my story. We are all different and have to find our own answers. So many people stepped in to help with their ideas of what would help me. One person swore on using a "life coach" but that was not where I was at; I was far too low for that. Other people said it was meds, but being honest apart from tranquilisers which have saved my life on many occasions when sparingly used and in crisis, the meds did not seem to be a massive issue for me.
Other people suggested "positive thinking" which drove me mad. That was the worst thing ever suggested. Many people could not stand the strain of my depression and basically moved out of my life. I feel now that I am better off without those people as they did not understand and tried to impose a rather superficial type of therapy to my problems. I have also had psychotherapy which helped with this individuation process.
There's lots of things affected me. When for example I realised that mum had always lied about money ( claiming not to have any). My whole attitude towards money has changed ( I would never spend anything on myself in the past) Now I do and realise this is normal.
My whole attitude towards myself has changed. I realise I am likeable and loveable and actually normal. It was my family around me who were not normal; despite the fact that I was always the one with the psychiatric diagnosis and none of them ever got one.
Truth to tell though I really AM the most normal of the lot. And now I know that , And I am free. xx
Sorry for spelling errors ; will try and check in a bit x
Wow Gemma thank you for telling me about your life and the work you did. I’m so happy that you are in a good place now.
My therapist who I haven’t had a session with for like a year because it wasn’t helping has said she thinks EFT would be helpful. I get fixated on death and on fear of people dying including myself. Off and in I want to go. I sometimes see my brother’s death occur in my mind or even see other people in danger like him and how his death happened although the person is fine just swinging from a rope or just coughing oooh it’s hard to explain. It scares me to death that I could get thinking that I want to leave pain which would mean leaving my loved ones which I hope I could never go through with. Stay strong my friend.
I really understand this. I often think that I want to go before things get bad or I am too ill to make decisions and personally I think that's a reasonable fear to have and some countries are moving more to this point of view. However it's also important not to go before your time because you are afraid of the pain of all the suffering in the world and maybe your own eventual suffering .
Your fear probably has a lot to do with you seeing the death of others and the illness and disability and suffering of others and worrying about the death and illness of others and not wanting to go through that yourself and not wanting to have witnessed what they have been through as it feels like you are always on the edge of life and death, And let's face it, life is tough; it's hard and it's sort of unfair what we have to go through.
I am having to make a conscious effort just to make the most of what good time I have left on this earth. I really fear though for getting ill and having no-one as I have no children, no grandchildren. Only one niece and her husband, my sister ( who I am not close to).
I was thinking today that as well as working on my master plan of exiting this world at a time of my choosing and when things become too much ( yes I am concocting a serious plan for that) that also I need to work on my relationship with my niece and her husband as really they are the only family have left who may support me. I barely know them or interact with them so this would be difficult but I am thinking it is a more positive plan than keep thinking of ultimately ending it knowing that I will not have personal support as I get older from family members.
I do hope this hasn't depressed you too much. Please read it carefully and concentrate on the first lines I wrote and not the last.
If you still have time on this earth when things have any potential of being good then that is what you need to work towards. Just to enjoy that time even if it is brief, as it is all we have. x
I feel like I can move forward if I do my thing at this moment presently and take each day one at a time finding something beautiful every day. That’s my focus for now. I hear you Gemma. I’m glad you are here.
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My mind currently ....
My mind is so dark
Losing my mind
