Can you guys read and give me advice?

[LiveandLetLive42]

I have severe depression and anxiety that stems from trauma. A few years ago, I really stopped going out and taking care of myself. I go weeks at a time not leaving my house. My parents are wonderful loving people who support me so much. But they don’t know what to do. Pushing me doesn’t work because I get more anxiety. But as parents, they can’t just sit back and let me live like this. The past few weekends I have gone out with them and that’s pretty huge. They want me to come over for dinner soon and I’m just not feeling up to it. My hubby is also feeling like staying in. But they are being pushy and it’s making me feel so guilty. I tried explaining to my mom that I’m not able to shake my anxiety today but than she has my dad text me “Just come I have cosmos for us and Stella for my man so just come love you.” How can I explain in a way that they won’t feel bad and I won’t feel this awful pit of guilt in my stomach?

[kateba]

It is impossible for people who don't have these problems to understand what we go through. Your folks sound supportive but a little lost as far as how to handle things. It's good you went out with them. If they ask and you're feeling OK then do it. If you don't feel OK then decline and don't feel bad about it. Even though people can't understand what you go through at least they can respect the fact that you are dealing with something.

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to kateba]

Thank you for your honest advice. I know I shouldn’t feel bad, but they just do so much for me and they really do try so hard with getting me help and learning how to deal with my illness. It’s definitely a matter of respect too. You are so right. I want them to respect when I decline. Thanks again 🌸

[Hidden]

It's nice that they're supportive and trying but i wish they would understand and listen when you say you can't, don't feel guilty our peace of mind come first, our struggles are difficult enough to live with day by day, you can try texting her or email her a long message explaining how you feel and for her to please respect that and be more understanding towards how you feel

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Hidden]

I was actually thinking about doing that. I’m going to explain that this is serious and them pushing me really makes it worse. Thanks girlie 🥰

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Hidden]

Omg I wrote a nice clear message and she wrote back “We understand. Don’t worry. We’re here for you.” So I was obviously happy and finally relaxed. I now get a text “Dad is going to leave pound cake outside your door.” Omg 🤦‍♀️ I can’t not open the door and invite him in! I wrote back that I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I’m all worked up again 😩

[hypercat54 in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

Well done. You sound like you have wonderful parents. I'm not jealous - not! It is important though that you do get yourself out a bit as isolating will make you feel worse. Even if you don't enjoy doing little things like going for a short walk then do it anyway. Baby steps. xx

[MadalynCarson in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

Hon, sorry been so long! Your 1st step was emailing your parents, bravo! It’s absolutely fine that you could not open the door & invite your Dad in. Your Mom said, ‘We understand, don’t worry we’re here for you’. You wrote your Mom messaged your Dad is leaving the cake outside your door. Are you sure your Dad expected you to invite him in, or he was just dropping it off? You have nothing to feel bad about sweetie. I’m not assuming, but sounds like you do like me, worrying about something we shouldn’t. Just breathe & don’t be so hard on yourself! If you need to talk, let me know. We can figure out as easier way to chat, if you want? {{HUGS}}

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to MadalynCarson]

Maddy I’ve been worried about you. It’s good to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to help me. I know you’re going through a lot right now. It means a lot to me. I am definitely an over worrier. I worry about things people wouldn’t even give a second thought about. It’s a curse. PM soon okay? Xoxo 😘

[Hidden]

I agree with MadlynCarson.... we tend to make our anxiety worse by putting things in our mind that don't exist. Doesn't sound like your dad expected to be invited in cuz they were trying to put it out there that they care and want to offer something in love but by putting it at your doorstep did not expect to be invited in. I don't know what it is about parents I do it to my daughter too but we like to give food LOL we think it makes you feel better in some way and it's not probably that he wanted to intrude but just leave a little I love you sort of the gift. But I certainly understand because I do the same thing. Maybe when you start to get worked up over something anxious about it stop and sort through what's your thoughts are and determine if you are getting yourself worked up when there is nothing to get worked up over. Not to Discount your feelings and I think I have the same issue with my daughter on the other side of that so I perfectly understand from both sides, we sometimes make our own suffering with those thoughts. You have every right to put out your boundaries and you feel like they're not respecting those boundaries but at the same time they're going to do what they do and you have to let it go in your mind to not try to control what they do and just be okay with your own feelings. Just know that you're doing your best and it's okay to say no to your parents but just know that they're going to do what they do and you have no control over that and let yourself know that you can let that go. Hope some of that made sense.

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Hidden]

Wow that’s a lot of helpful advice. I put myself in their position a lot and as a parent, I would be doing the same stuff. I feel bad for the people trying to help us because it’s a lose lose because nothing really helps. I am grateful that I’m aware of why they do the things they do. I know a lot of people just get more mad and shut their parents out. I know my parents are trying to help because they love me so much. I don’t snap at them or be mean in anyway. I have a very rare relationship with my parents. They are my everything. They’re my parents, my best friends, my shopping buddies, my watching movies with buddies, my drinking buddies, my therapists and I wouldn’t change that for anything. But when 3 days go by and I’m still not allowing them to see me, they get worried of course and my guilt kicks in.

They are both just so loving and I want to be better for myself of course, but also for them. They respected me last night and didn’t come over, but they showed up today. The minute I opened the door, the tears poured out. I think that plays into why I don’t want them here when I’m doing this bad. I can’t hold back the tears and I hate them seeing me cry so hard. I think I’m just in a really bad place right now and I’m getting overly sensitive and upset about everything. I really appreciate your support. You seem to understand what I’m going through. I’m sure your daughter appreciates what you do too. She’s very lucky to have a loving, understanding and open minded parent. Thank you 🙏🏼

[Hidden in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

Thank you so much! it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your parents. I'm so glad you understand their perspective. Your response brought tears to my eyes I'm so glad that you all have such a great relationship. That is wonderful that you have such a close relationship with them. All the more reason I guess that you can share things with them and hope they understand that you need space. You have a very beautiful and unique relationship that most parents don't have with their children.

I understand you feel guilty but you have nothing to feel guilty about please don't be so hard on yourself and let that guilt get the best of you you're dealing with enough right now that you don't need to let guilt factor into it even though it's going to I know. Thank you so much for your kind words I think because I get so anxious I tend to try to fix things too much for my daughter and I have to back off so I completely get it. It's a fine balance trying to understand other people's feelings especially when they're your parents and take care of yourself and not wanting to hurt them. But maybe you're trying to figure out how to do more self care and that's a good thing. Thank you again for your kind words and I hope you're feeling better soon😊❤

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Hidden]

You’re making me cry now 😂 That was such a sweet message. I think it’s great how you try to balance your relationship with your daughter. We want to be independent but we need our mommies sometimes. It’s unconditional love.

I will work on my guilt. Sometimes we read advice and don’t feel like actually using it, but I can promise you that I really am going to find ways and practice being more gentle on myself and not getting so worked up with guilt all the time. It’s such an unnecessary feeling that I know only brings me down and the whole point of the guilt is because I want to get better for my parents. It sounds so irrational when I actually write out why I feel guilty. And being aware of any symptom of this illness is good because you can actually work on it. It’s when we’re not aware is when it’s unfixable.

Thank you again for such honest and genuine support 💙

[Hidden in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

awwww 🤗❤ you're absolutely right we do need our mom sometimes there's just no replacement for that. That unconditional love.

I'm so happy it sounds like you are taking good care of yourself and you know what the right things to do are and you're absolutely right awareness is the first thing to trying to change something. I'm glad you're taking good care of yourself. LOL and now I'm crying again but it's a good cry😁

[Want2BHappy3]

First no one can fix you but YOU, it's great that their supportive. I didn't read anything about counseling? That's where you'll have to start. Don't be afraid to change counselors if one doesn't work. I did several times.

[TeddyBear3]

Just be patient and explain mental health does not work like that. Don't feel worse trying to please them.