New Beginnings

[kuzuri-love]

This is my first post. I have been so desperate to find help and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I've been depressed for about 6 years now, ever since I left elementary school life has been hard. Middle school was rough; the kids were so nasty and thats when all my happiness just left. I did have a rough childhood but I was always such a happy kid, then all of that caught up to me. it wasn't until last October that I finally stopped ignoring the fact that I have a serious problem and I need help. Since then I have gone through a trial of anti-depressants and it wasn't until March that the doctors decided to keep me on a certain type. I honestly don't think it's helping anymore because I just feel stuck but I don't want to ask for an increase in my dosage because I know I physically need to take action.

In May I was hospitalized after a failed suicide attempt. It was the worst time of my life and the whole situation still haunts me to this day. That's when I started seeing a psychiatrist. I go once a month, but now every other month. I'm honestly not interested in it at all but nobody around me wants to listen to that. I know I need professional help but talking to a stranger like that just isn't for me. I don't even open up to the people I'm closest to, it's just too hard. In therapy I just sit there and it's so awkward. I hate it. People don't realize that therapy doesn't work the same or at all for everyone and it honestly just makes me feel worse.

I have been with the same guy for almost 2 years. In May he broke up with me, when I was struggling the most and it hit me hard. In July he came to me and asked to get back together but not date. In his terms we're "on a break" and to me it's just bullshit. We do 95% of things the same as when we dated, we just aren't labelling our relationship and we aren't involved in each other's families anymore. He doesn't want to date until we're both ready but this is dating and I just wish he saw that. It's so hard to fix us when we aren't even technically in a relationship. I think for us to work we need to work on things while dating or we might as well work on things while being single. He's being delusional and it bugs me but I keep fighting and staying because I love him so much and I know we can date again and I want that so bad. I see a legitamite future with this guy but this situation adds to my depression a lot. I'll write more about that in another post.

Basically, this is my life. I'm constantly in pain. I always want to cry. I always isolate myself. I don't have fun and I forgot what fun and happiness is even like. I don't even remember the last time I was truly happy. I want this to end. I need this feeling to end. my normal is just constant misery and I can't take it anymore. I feel so stuck, I don't know how to help myself. Everyone's answer is therapy but that's something I really can't do. This feels like this will be my forever and I need to change that if I want anything to change. If any of you guys have any tips or anything on treating depression, I'd love to hear them!

[Krazie]

kuzuri, depression is such a tough thing to deal with. It makes you feel isolated, like no one really cares, that you will never get away from this low-down feeling. Yup, depression just takes it all out of you. But you know all of that; it's what you are living. I have had depression my whole life, based on trauma as a child. For many years, it went untreated. I can tell you, that is not the way to go.

If your medication is not working, then try talking to your parents, the doctor, try another medication. Not all medication works the same in all people. It is often a trial and error kind of thing. There is a solution for you. It is important to not give up, but keep trying different things until you find what is right for you.

Hang in there, kazuri. You are not alone. We all care very much about you. Let us know how things work out, will you?

[kuzuri-love in reply to Krazie]

I will definitely update my progress! Thank you so much for that, I needed it and it made me smile!❤️

[Krazie in reply to kuzuri-love]

Super! I will be watching for you.

[Hidden]

If there is one thing I have learned, it's that things can and will change, particularly when you are still in school.

Life can be incredibly better when you have more say in your own life.

That being said, I can relate to a lot of what you talked about and since we are both new to this forum, we have something in common.

I've been through hell and back and I briefly considered suicide a few different times in my life but life is still worth living and there are people here to help you and support you.

You already helped the heck out of me and you are still in high school. You have a lot of potential and I don't throw around compliments lightly.

[kuzuri-love]

Haha thank you very much! (Also I just graduated)

[Hidden in reply to kuzuri-love]

Congrats! I hope you stay in touch here. I'd love to know what it's like for you "venturing out" in this crazy world of ours. I honestly don't envy this new generation much at all. It's important to have some people who understand and care about stuff like this. Stay strong sister! 💪💪💪

[kuzuri-love in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! Same goes to you☺️☺️

[JEG325]

Hi, kuzuri-love. You are following me and so I'm gonna adopt you too. Welcome to my inner circle. Less than a dozen people reside there. I am available most of each day anytime you need me. I won't give you my holistic treatment spiel unless you want me too. Let me suggest some easy, light things to try. #1 walk in the sun every morning you can for about 20 minutes or so. The more sun on your skin the better. #2 Find some soothing music to listen to that makes you feel better or more peaceful. #3 Talk to people on this site, me included, whenever you need it. #4 Consider this: Think about helping other here. You will find that when you address other people's problems it gives insight on your own problems. #5 Read people's problems as well as the responses. You may find a piece of pivotal help somewhere in there. #6 Don't dwell on your problems. Be active. Take up a hobby, play games, write & read books. Working crossword and word search puzzles strengthen your brain and keep you occupied. Suduko is good too.#7 If you have a computer or cellphone find apps that keep you active, while strengthening your mind. The more time away from your problems the better. Finally #8 Get your 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night. Good qualitiy sleep makes everything better. A personal word of advice? Find a new guy or if you hae female friends, stick closer to them. You need someone to understand you, love you and treat you good. I don't think you're getting that right now. I can give you holistic treatment suggestions too but, you will have to ask for that. Call on me whenever you need to talk. Okay?

[kuzuri-love in reply to JEG325]

Aww thank you, that means so much!

[JEG325 in reply to kuzuri-love]

Always here for you, luv. I promise.

[MT2018]

Hey! Glad you found us here! Congrats on the graduation! That's awesome! What is your dream for the future? In addition to everything everyone else has said, which I agree with....I'd say talk to us about your dreams! My childhood was horrible, then I went into a horrible relationship (cause that's what many of us do, and sounds like you're doing it...) I was never shown love, was treated poorly and made fun of by way too many people in my life. I stopped dreaming and became depressed. But, one day, a friend asked me about my dreams. I almost didn't tell her, for fear of being mocked. But-I told her. "I want to be a writer. A paid writer." That began a journey that hasn't ended! I've ghost written thousands of articles and a few books. I'm working on a book of my own. I've learned to dream again and put those dreams into action, one baby step at a time. So, what do you want to do? You've got a safe community here!

[kuzuri-love in reply to MT2018]

That sounds amazing, good for you!😊I want to be a lawyer someday and have a family. I never got to have the typical family structure of both parents in the house and I want to be able to give that to my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for how my mom raised me but it is still something I wouldn’t want my kids to go through. I also hope to be financially stable. That is honestly one thing I stress about most about my future. Right now my mom and I struggle when it comes to finances and I just hope to no longer have to go through that struggle someday.