Unsure

[mizzjalanak]

So I'm not sure what to really say, I hate being judged which is why I hate posting anything online about my life. Recently my husband and I had a falling out after I was unfaithful with someone I work with. I've always struggled with anxiety, depression and then post-partum after our son was born, so when he started doing things like recording me at work behind my back and trying to catch me cheating again, which hasn't happened since it happened the first time 3 weeks ago, my anxiety has been on the edge. I have felt like I'm not good enough, constantly battling how I feel vs how he feels, trying to help him cope and move on while also helping myself, trying to get another job even though I was offered a promotion where I am now, trying to be a good mother, a full time student and keep up with my grades and not be depressed. I'm just not sure how to feel, how to be okay.

This morning I had 4 or 5 anxiety attacks, the last few days I've had some, only at home, I shake so bad, I cry in the shower, I feel like I can't breathe and I had an explosive argument with my husband. I was so fed up that he kept trying to catch me cheating even though I haven't and swore to him if I felt like I wanted to, that I'd tell him first. I never had more suicidal thoughts than when all of this went down hill, I get anxiety about everything, money issues especially and then when we argue it gets worse or when I distance myself from everyone I get worse and the only thing that makes me happy now is my son. I love my husband and I love me as well, I want to better myself, I want to be able to control how I feel, I don't want happy pills but can't afford to go see a therapist because lets be real, here in the US they don't really make mental health a priority.

I just need guidance. I have started on meds but it's going to take a couple weeks for me to be better and I've even scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist, I don't want to end my relationship with my husband but I also don't want to leave my job.

[Hidden]

If it's only been three weeks, I wouldn't expect him to be coping yet. Trying to help him cope and move on? You aren't in the best position to do that by talking him through it. Help him cope by being trustworthy. Do the hard things that show him that he is your priority. Do not communicate with the coworker. Get the new job. Right away.

I'm glad that you have started meds and are going to see a psychiatrist. It is hard to wait those couple of weeks for the medicine to start working, but I have always found that it is worth it. You can get your mood stabilized, then start working on the issues with a fresh mind.

[b1b1b1 in reply to Hidden]

I agree with socalpoppy. You were in the wrong (not in terms of sin, but in terms of your marriage, assuming you want to stay with it.) Blaming your husband is not helpful as his behavior is understandable. You should get a new job ASAP.

[mizzjalanak in reply to Hidden]

Fortunately for me I work for the same company but I’ll be working from home by the end of the month, I make too much to start over and go back to making $14 an hour. By the new year I’ll be in a management position so I won’t even be working with this person. We’re taking it day by day but I really don’t know how to make him have trust in me, even when I tell him the truth he doesn’t believe me.