Hi, I am in a situation where I am having trouble coming to an appropriate decision.
My mum is particularly nasty and has narcissistic tendencies. I feel that her negative behaviours and her predisposition to make situations about her seem more apparent as time goes on, since she bought us the property. She was very difficult to be around when I lived with her and it was detrimental to my wellbeing, but at the moment I definitely feel happier when I haven’t had much contact with her for a while.
My mum owns the property I live in. I didn’t want her to buy my sister and I a property but she insisted and often complains about sacrificing money for the property, saying that she could have kept it herself, she wants the money back, most parents don’t do this for their kids and that her mum didn’t help her get a property and blew her money instead. She will not sell until she feels she will get a good deal on the property. I am lost about what to do. I want to go no-contact with my mum. I don’t necessarily have the means to save to purchase my own property yet since a lot of money has been going towards her and the property. I find that being around her tends to be unpleasant and she often invalidates my struggles and makes it about herself.
I feel that I need to be prepared to not receive any money after the property is sold anyway because my mum as the owner gets to decide where the money goes, so I don’t want to be in contact with her for the money as it’s not my priority, I just know that there is going to have to be interaction as a renter and I don’t want things to get awkward or tense. Also, renting elsewhere may not be feasible if rent could increase at anytime to the point where it’s almost impossible to pay, especially as I wouldn’t be living with other people. I think that I could save for a deposit, but it would take a while and I don’t want to be abused for much longer.
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UnicornKitty
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Have a sit down and think things through about what you would like to do and what you would gain and lose by each option and then take the best option for you and if its to cut your mother off then so be it!
I know this sounds sick but now time has gone by I am glad that my parents didn't buy me a property but bought one for my sister!
At the time that really stung and hurt but now time has gone by I feel when I lost out by accident they did me a favour as they can't hit me over the head with the with all we have done for you guilt trip when they don't get their way!
If they did hit me over the head with that I would have shot back well no one forced you to do those things did they!
That was their own choice to have done that!
Back in 2018 I was really cross when they all went to Paris and I wasn't even asked!
I had said about how I was put out over that and then I got given a pity invite and I was really cross and never did take it up and don't regret it either!
I remember chatting to one of my friends saying how usually I love being invited to things even if I can't always go and didn't understand my angry reaction to the pity invite and her view was that the invite wasn't genuine which was what had upset me and not getting the same opportunities as others which can hurt!
Recently she has been nagging me about a visit and laying on the guilt but I won't be going and there's not a thing she can do about it as she can't come out to get me and physically force me there can she?
We didn’t want her to buy as a property in the first place and we would have preferred to rent ourselves (especially after knowing how this arrangement has turned out). I wish she didn’t sacrifice money for us and I don’t think she should have done it if she was going to complain. I will think about living elsewhere.
What does your sister say about it, You haven't said anything about her in all this? Does she live in the house with you? I think you should get your heads together and present an United front to your mother.
My sister agrees with me and is also fed up with the situation. She lives with me and she also wishes that our mum didn’t buy the property if she was going to complain. She said she would probably prefer to keep living in the apartment as it is difficult to find rent at the moment and the rent probably won’t go up if we stay. She is considering the possibility of renting with me elsewhere though she’d like to stay for about a year and save as much as she can to move out.
Hello UnicornKitty
How incredibly difficult for you! I'm sorry to read about your situation. Your home is like a "gift" with strings attached as a way to still control you.
I don't know if you can take the mother equation out of it and just see her as a difficult landlord and yourself simply as a tenant rather than a daughter. Business only until you can eventually move out.
It's very sad it has to be this way but it's good to find a way to protect yourself from further abuse.
I employed a grey rock technique with my mother which worked for a while
Well it isn’t really going well because I’ve been expected to make sacrifices for my family and put their wants/needs first. My mum isn’t on top of sending/paying for bills either.
I understand. It’s a shame you’ve been put in that situation at your age. If bills aren’t paid, services get disconnected, property gets foreclosed on etc. Since your mom owns property, I have a sneaking suspicion she knows how to pay bills, or will learn fast without your assistance. You might be doing her a favor forcing her to take responsibility. Buying a property for your kids, keeping it out of thier name, then selling it whenever you wish is no gift to your kids. That’s indian-giving. I’d be frustrated too.
I would stay and save the money needed to get your own place, then leave. You deserve to put your needs first for a change. Your relationship with your mom might improve if you can keep her at an arms distance and don’t have to deal with day to day business of hers. She’ll figure it all out with or without you. You deserve to be happy and live in peace … under your own terms.
Thank you! I have also got to consider that my sister wants to get out of the situation too and if I leave, she might not have the means to pay all the rent and bills. I am hoping she is willing to rent elsewhere with me as I don’t want to leave her to deal with it. Either way, I do think it’s a good idea to move out. It’s mostly my sister I’d be worried about .
Thank you, I’m hoping she is willing to move with me too! We could get cheaper rent than we are paying at the moment, so it will probably be better for both of us. I will talk to her tonight and see what she thinks. I appreciate your support.
Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it!! I had a think about it today and listed the pros and cons as well as the key difficulties and what to do from here on. I decided to stay in the property but have limited contact with my mum and to only chat to her with my sister and perhaps for half an hour. If she behaves in a way that is upsetting to me, I might think about leaving. I will likely move out once I have the means to purchase my own property with a deposit as it’s pretty important for me to have my own place and I don’t pay a particularly expensive price to live there and renting elsewhere could cause a wide range of other issues that are detrimental. I don’t want to prolong the situation unnecessarily. If I feel that that the relationship is unbearable, I will decide what to do from then on.
I love hearing good news. Sounds like a great plan and you have thought it through well. Hopefully your Mom will cooperate and appreciate you and sis are just trying to do what’s best for you and your futures. Your mom may try to push those boundaries of you two talking to her together under time constraints but so long as you’re aware, as you are, just try to stand your ground with her. She’s probably a bit co-dependent on you two kids so you’re doing her a favor in the long run.
You’ll have more time to search for a new place this way which should be a relief too. That will give you time to look without a rush.
It feels good to have a plan of action doesn’t it? Well done. Hang in there and start saving for that deposit. Let me know when you start looking at places. Would love to hear how it goes. Also, hmu anytime if Mom starts to give you a hard time and I’ll help you come up with a Plan B.
Thank you. It does feel good to have a plan in place instead of feeling trapped/unsure. I am also a bit relieved I won’t have to find another place that could also be abusive or more expensive and I don’t feel I have to rush to save or overwork either. My sister has a similar plan as well. I have a ‘step 2’ & ‘step 3’ for if seeing her is unbearable.
I can attest to that! My mother left one section of land to me and 3 siblings what a night that has become! We gave our daughter and her husband acreage to build a house but after 7 years it still sits vacant. Although we are disappointed that they didn’t build, I would never think of taking it back or belittle them for not following through.
It’s good that you don’t see it as their job to do what you’d like with the land as they might have a different agenda and it is a gift to them to do what they wish.
I’ve heard stories about how these things can rip families apart. Families get too involved in each other's business and the relationships go south. You did good in giving land to your daughter with no strings attached. That’s the way it should be and it’s hers to do with whatever or whenever. I believe the same goes with lending money. Never loan with the intention of getting it back and if you do get it back then that’s just gravy. No expectations = no disappointments. xx
I am sensing that your mother is abusing the control she has over you since she bought you that property. This sounds exactly like my mother— her love and generosity was always conditional. To me, it sounds like you already know what you want to do (go no-contact with your mom). You’re just afraid of the repercussions since it might mean a significantly worse financial situation for you. I agree with some of the other comments about making a pros and cons list, but I also want you to think about long-term. It might sound overly simplistic, but when you’re being abused, I believe you need to get out of it any way you can as soon as you can so you can begin to heal and rebuild your life. I went no-contact with my mom last year when I thought I desperately needed her. It was so hard and at times I felt like running back to her, but I got through it and I’m so glad I did. I learned to rely on myself and others that I didn’t typically rely on. Do you have anyone else who could help you during a potential period of no-contact with your mom?
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