You cant kill me, I'm already dead.

[arcknight]

32 male, still alone. I want a normal family. I want my mom to have a granddaughter. I know that the only thing that gives life value is love and I have so much of it to give.

I cant afford my apartment, ill have to move and find a roommate in 2 months when my lease is up. This may seam like no big deal for some but its a huge backwards step for me at this age.

I hate my job, its too easy, there is nothing to accomplish, nothing to win, no success to have. Its a place where people go to wait to retire and I'm way to young to settle for that. I want to push my skills and test my limits. There is nothing close to that at my current place of employment but its a very stable job as people very rarely get fired.

I have bad break outs, it makes it really hard to have a good attitude and interact with people. Its so bad currently I feel like I have leprosy and people look at me like I will infect them. This effects my confidence greatly, I have no hope of finding a girl to someday marry. I guess my mom will never get to hold her granddaughter.

My car radio just stopped working today, the car is only 4 years old but no longer under warranty. It will cost $700+ to fix, money I dont have. Oh and I have a 1 - 1.5 hour commute (each way).

Thinking about how everything is collapsing on me and how I am failing my family is causing me to lose sleep. I often only get 3 - 4 hours of sleep. Just when I'm about to fall asleep something triggers and my heart starts racing.

I would see a psychologist but I have to pay a 2000 deposit before my health care covers anything. Again money I dont have.

This entire year has been very bad for me and only getting worse. Currently no light at the end of the tunnel. Some how I keep getting up every morning, some how I still have hope. I am concerned I'm going to break soon... I dont know how much more of this down turn I can take.

[Hidden]

I know exactly how you feel but like you I too have Hope and especially Faith...that's what keeps me going and gives me strength. You are strong and things will get better. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. Take care ☺️

[arcknight in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, ill keep that in mind.

[Eowyn7]

This is a lot. You can't fix all of these things at once. My advice: find one thing that you enjoy, that you can look forward to, and put it on your calendar. When it gets rough think about that thing you're looking forward to. Just a little light at the end of the tunnel can make a big difference.

[arcknight in reply to Eowyn7]

That is hard to do these days, I have lost interest in the things I use to love to do. I try to keep my eye/mind open to things that might distract me but lately I have not been able to come up with anything enjoyable to do.

[gerg]

How can you break this cycle?

Research how to check the fuse for your radio, try U tube.

This may turn into an interest, and you may find some information for a future career.

One step can lead to the next. This is just one example, of a singular focus working to make change.

[gogogirl]

The good news is that it sounds like you have goals- I don't know what type of job you have- but it is hard to find such a stable one these days. Welcome to the site.

[arcknight in reply to gogogirl]

My long term goals are the only thing keeping me going.

[gogogirl]

Plus - you are not alone- you have family.

[Jimdubu]

I am sorry for what you are going through. Depression and Anxiety can really get us.Our minds can really trick us and deceive us I found a great book by Max Lucado a great writer called 'Anxious For Nothing" and it really helped me. in particular he tells a story about a friend of his who's wife has Parkinson's disease, and his friend is her primary care taker. yet his friend always seems happy, has a big smile, a joke to tell and he beats him in golf every week. Max asks him how he does it? His friend explains that every morning he and his wife sing a hymn. and he asks her what she would like to sing? and she says " Count Your Blessings' he say's so they sing it then count their blessings. When you look at your blessings anxiety packs it's bags and worry can't find room in your heart, so they both head out the back door. Also maybe they"re is someone you can talk to a sibling , or a friend or your church pastor. Also if you find yourself in crisis you can use the Crisis Text Line at 741741 and a professional will text you back. also there is a great organization that offers free counseling advice, and they can refer you to professional counselors in your area that maybe can work with your finances. FOTF Counseling Line 1-855-382-5433 Prayers my friend.

[arcknight in reply to Jimdubu]

I know I could be in a worse place. I just dont know how much worse things can get before my strength fails.

I had a good childhood and my parents raised me well. I think this is the only reason i am able to keep going despite being at this low point in my life.

[dee_bells]

Hi arcknight,

You are putting too much pressure on yourself. You believe that you are failing your family and won’t have a daughter.

You are so young!! I heard a day or so ago that Richard Gere at 69 is having a baby with his wife or partner. My son is 37, blonde, blue eyed and I want him to have a blonde blue eyed daughter. He said there is a fifty-fifty chance. I have no pressure on him. If it happens, great, if not, oh well. I have one grandson and my daughter won’t let me see him. I’m the crazy grandma. 😁. But someday I hope to see him.

Get a roommate and tell yourself this is what you have to do. At 17 I moved out of the family home and told myself I’ll get ten roommates but I had 2.

Give yourself goals about your job, where you live etc.

And there are lots of people here that are just like you. So come back and chat. Take care.

Dee🌸🌸🌸

[susurams]

Personally, I think guys with acne are super sexy.

[8ann]

... when it all piles up at once, it is challenging, but not impossible. I agree with Eowyn you can't fix all these things at once, but you can change things little by little over time. I write lists and just slowly problem solve and ask for help until one day I am on the other side of a big pile I thought insurmountable : ) keep your chin up, one step at a time!

[Jimdubu]

I had a very bad acne problem when I was in high school, that led to a lot of scarring I still get some even now from time to time. I grew a beard to hide the scars. I also had glasses, and because of scoliosis I walked pigeon toed and stooped forward ( up until 1st or 2nd grade I had to wear leg braces like Forest Gump ) I was also born with mt hips in instead of out, so pants hardly stay up ( Yep I was a walking birth defect) But guess what some girl decided she liked this mess and we've been married 34 years ( yeah I'm old ) Now my son who lives with us still. My wife and I joke our grandchildren are X box One and Playstation 4. You'll be ok. God has a way of making things work out . Smile It'll make the world wonder what you've been up too. Prayers my friend

[maslater]

Try to take life one day at a time. Think of one thing you can accomplish tomorrow and make sure to get it done. Then keep doing that until you have accomplished all your goals.

[ciley]

i'll tell you..you are a very brave person, there will be the occ small thing that goes right, trick is to not be able to appreciate that, write down a list of good things daily, things to aim for and also the negs, i feel so sorry, and i know what you feel too.

[arcknight]

Update: My cars repairs will be covered under an extended warranty I forgot I had. That is one huge weight off my shoulders. Now I have to deal with moving over the next month.