Where is my mind?

[RoamingCarolyn]

I struggle with Anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

I hate it all.

I have been trying to find a while to balance it all and slow down my anxiety. To make the constant self-hating stop.

Today, is my birthday. It has been a good day. I have had a lot of well wishes from all over the place.

Saturday I started taking a whole 10 MG Adderall tablet and found that it seemed to silence my inner voice that likes to say mean and hateful things to me.

I took all of my medication, including Adderall, and today has been going well. Until now.

I just finished a research assignment and I do not have anything to do. I started with "well ok that's done, I'll watch something on Netflix.."

Now, I'm at I depressed because I don't want to watch anything, read anything or listen to anything. I just don't want to do anything. It just makes me feel so lost and useless when I hit these walls. It's like writer's block, but I'm just blocked and don't want anything.

I hate this feeling. The Adderall just amplifies it, because I can concentrate better. I just want the feeling to be gone.

I feel like I cannot full express how I feel right now. I don't like it...

[Hidden]

Well Happy Birthday!! Do you think that could have something to do with your feelings? Some of my worst days have been my birthday because I tied certain expectations into it like wanting all of my kids to come over even tho they were working. You can’t think of s thing? Music perhaps or watch dancing on YouTube I’ve been watching rerun videos on YouTube of soyouthinkyoucandance!! Some good ones there. I’m pretty bored today. Since it’s your birthday can you order something yummy for dinner? Even if you are by yourself!!

[RoamingCarolyn in reply to Hidden]

Well, my boyfriend is off from work sick and my mum has made me a cake. But I have 2 hours left at work. I started reading Dante's Inferno, but it is very deep. I'll have to see if YouTube has some answers for me...

[Hidden in reply to RoamingCarolyn]

I hope you find something interesting.

[RoamingCarolyn]

Ugh.... I ate dinner with my boyfriend and went to my mom's for cake. I was talking to my mom's dog telling her to be ready for when I get a puppy next year and my boyfriend was all "Oh really? Well, I must've been part of another conversation". He says things and I think I understand, but I find out I don't. I just made excuses of being tired... But honestly I'm depressed.

[Lakewolf in reply to RoamingCarolyn]

What he said just sounds rude to me.

Don’t let ANYONE mess with you, including him.