I hate me

[Mom123]

If I didn't have two perfect, wonderful, amazing kids, I'd be long gone. I feel like people like me are just a waste of space. My kids are young enough that they would barely remember me if I was gone. I guess I just don't wanna take the chance on screwing them up. I love them so much. Idk what is is that makes me detest myself so much, but I never let them see it. I have started drinking when they're sleeping and I can tell it's not helping because when I'm sober i'm just an irritable pos. I just wish I was perfect for them. F**k i hate me. I wish i could trade me in for someone better for my family.

[Angiebaby0121]

Hi Mom123

You are not alone, there are many people on this site that can help and give you advice.

Your family would not be better off without you at all, as long as they have the love that you obviously give them they have everything they need.

Have you tried speaking to a professional about how you are feeling, if your children are still very young it could be some form of post natal depression.

[dee_bells]

Hi Mom123,

I’m so sorry to hear that and I have thought and uttered the same words.

I’m not a therapist, nor doctor, but a peer who has anxiety and depression.

I’ve thought I was a waste of space, I have two kids but one is a diva. She’s questionable. Lol.

Unfortunately we never know how these kids turn out but we do our best. You don’t want to leave this world and kids will ask your kids, where’s your mom? Oh, she committed suicide. I have a friend who’s sister-in-law died and it was awful.

Do you see a therapist? Cut back on the drinking and dance late at night instead. Like no one is watching. Lol. I do and I love music. I struggle every day. And if I can do it, you can too! Take care of you!

Hugs 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Dee

[Mom123 in reply to dee_bells]

Thank you so much Dee. I never want my kids to utter those words

[dee_bells in reply to Mom123]

When my friend said that it made it more real. And I’ve felt the same way as you. I hope you’re okay. ❤️❤️❤️

Dee

[Mom123 in reply to dee_bells]

Thanks for putting things in perspective. I still feel awful now, but think if I just go to bed I'll feel better after a few hours of sleep. I'm gonna try your dancing advice instead of drinking too. Ha ha. Thank you for the support.

[dee_bells in reply to Mom123]

No problem. There’s a goofy phone commercial with a song I never heard before. Every time it comes on I start gyrating etc. lol. But for that moment I’m living in the moment.

😁😁😁😁

[ElevatedChaos]

I have been struggling with this myself lately, even more so today. Which is why I'm even on this site now. I feel helpless. And I know now that I'm not alone in this. My cousin felt the same and took her life. But what she left behind only hurt her babies more. What she failed to see, and what I struggle with daily is the fact that ITS OKAY! It's okay to feel messed up or like you suck at life, but what we can do with that is show our kids that we didnt give up. That we love them so much that we want them to see that no matter how low we get. That we stayed strong and kept moving forward seeking ways to overcome the hurdles and setting them up with the tools to tackle life as it comes at them. At least that's what's really keeping me grounded. You mean the world to them, show them that mom can help them tackle the world the best she can. You got this love we got this!!!

[hypercat54]

Hi I was wondering how someone so hateful can produce 2 wonderful kids? I am also wondering why you are trying to be perfect when that is impossible? A perfect what? A computer? Only they ate perfect as people never can be.

Don't kid yourself that your children wouldn't miss you - they would. You would be leaving them with a legacy of guilt and pain for the rest of their lives.

You need to seek help so see your doctor. x

[Hidden]

Hello Mom!

I think that’s a common theme that depression tells us because every time I drop into the pit, I feel the same way. But, they’re lies! Our families would not be better off without us, they would be traumatized and devastated if we intentionally left them. Part of the problem is that rotten self-talk we spew into our consciousness that comes from our core. Were you physically or verbally abused as a kid? I was and I believe that’s where my problems originated. I realize now how inaccurate those words were and work on blocking them. I know deep down, the truth about myself and fight every day to bring that truth to the forefront of my thoughts. Realize your positive attributes and focus on them, leaving the garbage behind! I’m sending you big hugs and positive vibes!! 🌷🙂🌷

[NCAQuilter]

Please keep at the top of your mind that your kids will miss you. Just ask any orphan, child or adult. And, suicide by their mother can cause them to develop feeling just like you have. This guilt has kept you alive this long. I agree whole heartily with Angiebaby. After each of my children's birth (5 in 5 years), I denied my depression. I didn't know it was sometimes a normal outcome of all the hormonal chaos childbirth causes. At that time, neither did the medical community. When one twin died, I didn't deal with that either. My excuse was the surviving twin had physical issues that took a lot of attention. Over the years I kept packing depression events on top of old unresolved issues from my childhood until I broke. You really don't want to go there, because you've asked for help. Many of us have experienced what you're going through and came out the other end intact. Lean on us. We understand.

[countryboy1]

Mom123, I have a very simple question. if you are so horrible, how did you produce kids who are so excellent? Can an apple tree produce oranges? They are neat and awesome kids and so is their mom! You don't feel neat and awesome probably because something is blocking you from really realizing who you are, a good therapist can help you explore yourself. The world needs you, you are important to us! Please see a professional therapist. Watch the drinking, and fall on love with yourself, this may seem hard now, but over time!

We appreciate you in this community

[Rachel2535]

Mom123- I have been there where you feel you just can’t win and that you are good for nothing. When you are so deep in the pit it feels like you will never get out. Please know this...your children need you and they were given to you for a reason. Also know that you are loved not only by them but by God. I know this isn’t what most want to hear but I can’t express how true it is. I spent 25 years wanting to die and hating myself...for me it stemmed back to abuse and through some difficult healing process and by God’s grace I have been free of this for 10 years so hold on to hope. Feel free to reach out to me on here and thank you for being so open to get on and express what you are going through. -Rachel