I don’t want to be here. My son has kept me here to date but he’s not enough anymore. I’m 39; divorces and I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve had great careers and opportunities and made a lot of money yet I still feel empty. I took over a group home business that cares for children with dual diagnosis. I love and care for them but I still I’ll feel empty. Why am I here?!? My earliest memories I felt I was supposed to have it all and still do but it never came now I’m 39 and here. I’ve had thoughts of suicide all my life and o be honest the only reason I haven’t don’t it is because of my son and the fear it wouldn’t work and end up in a worse spot. If I had a guarantee I’d do it. I have a beautiful girlfriend who would do anything for me but I long to be alone.
Tired: I don’t want to be here. My son... - Anxiety and Depre...
Tired
Have you looked into any sort of spirituality? It helps me with that empty and no purpose feeling. Wishing you peace...🙂🌺🙂
I was raised in a Christian church and have always studied and followed spirituality. I’ve learned a lot over the years and I have experienced peaks of happiness here and there however my norm seems to be this feeling no matter what I do. I feel I was made to experience this..... but I’m tired now.
I understand...I feel like my difficulties are preparing me to help others who are suffering. I understand the happiness here and there as I too was raised in a Christian home. The difference in my current level of spirituality and my previous level is a firm commitment to having time every morning to cultivate it. I need to be alone, read from my daily devotional, read the associated scriptures and then settle in for a warm and moving talk with My Sweet Lord. I have to do it everyday to reap the benefits and talk to Him throughout my day. Gratitude is so effective in combating self-pity. Helping someone less fortunate is a wonderful experience, increasing happiness and self-worth. Just making a few suggestions to elevate your mood! 🙂🌷🙂
I appreciate you and your suggestions. Gratitude and appreciation is key..... I’ve read that in my research. I thought I’ve thought I had been doing that yet I’m still here. I guess what I feel and experience seem to outweighs what I know to be true
Have you talked to your girlfriend about it, maybe you should go away for a few days, take some time off for yourself, somewhere quiet
Yea, she gets preachy fast..... ALSO during an argument a few weeks ago she slipped up and said “ah just suck it” Whenever I’ve gone to her that’s probably what she’s been thinking. I feel like thats what I’ve always been doing all my life. I sucked it up to get to 39.
Ok that sounded harsh she was wrong to say that, well you're 39 maybe it's time to try something different get out of the comfort zone it might help
That’s why I took over this group home business. My previous career was in NYC as a Digital Producer. I left NYC and came here to AZ......... way out my comfort zone new state and new “career”. I thought this was going to be the change I was looking for. I’m struggling more now than ever on the inside. I also focus on my passion when not working which is music. Everything I touch though doesn’t feel right enough
Wow, it looks like you do such a good thing with group home job. You have great girlfriend and son. Considering all this, it could be medical issue ...chemical dis-balance...which only can be controlled by medication. Did you try that? please don't do anything bad ...you are very valuable for this world and for us and for your loved ones.
The kids I help love me. They call and look forward to seeing me. That feels good. My love for them is genuine but there are many days I’m wearing a mask so that they can still get the benefit of having me around without knowing what’s going on inside. I’m anti pharmaceuticals...... my previous career was marketing so I know the truth there..... i recently tried medicinal marijuana and I must admit I felt great. But I don’t want to be dependent on anything or anyone to feel good or to feel normal. Is it real happiness if I have to take someone to feel it?
o, your job and those kids -it is amazing. But i would not know how to deal with this without medication...i am not taking anything right now...but i am better, i can control my depression and anxiety by self-help and exercises/walking/meditation. But when it gets worse(depending on life situation), i don't mind to take medication...I am glad you joined this forum. It is a big help for me and i hope will be for you!
I guess because this is my normal I’m able to make it through the days. So this never goes away? I’ll always feel this way and need something to stop it. Or I guess I should say subside it
I don’t know...maybe you’re thinking too much, too deep at this time. Keep it simple on the daily...I’m really wishing peace of mind for you...
It’s not wasted time 🌺
I’m not judging at all but wouldn’t taking something to help you be happier or less depressed,even if it medicinal marijuana, wouldn’t that be better than attempting suicide? One time my mom had gotten to the point of asking me to lock her in her room for fear of what she would do. I took her to a psychiatrist who put her on meds and a couple of weeks later I had my mom back!! I know meds are scary but it is better than making a permanent decision to end your life and the pain it would cause the ones who love you. And like you mentioned it not working. That happens a lot. What if you just disable yourself? You sound like such a good person!! You are worth fighting for!! And also spirituality doesn’t necessarily mean religion. I’m scared of religion but when I felt that love the love of God—I’m not gonna lie—I was shocked at the compassion and the depth of that love. I jumped out of bed like a child at Christmas every morning for a long time. Since then I feel like I don’t feel that same excitement after losing almost all of my root family cause I still have anxiety and depression—but I do know it’s still there. Only my pain is blocking it out’ya know?
Yes I get your perspective regarding medication it is better than to end it and I do think about the pain it would cause others if I were to end it but what about me. I feel like I’m always making decisions and concessions for the sake of everyone else’s feelings. What about mine? When I’ve use the medicinal marijuana it works until it wears off. Then I’m back here. It feels like I’m lying to myself and covering up the real issue whatever it is
I read where someone else said the same thing years ago and I get it. I know. I’ve been in that scary place. At 5 yrs Old I’d wake up and wish I hadn’t. When I was in the 3rd grade,seventh grade and after my sisters died and mom died,after my divorce after 11 yrs of marriage...it goes on and on. Panic disorder can kick your hiney all over the place and you can become almost hopeless. But you haven’t tried any other meds. You could try a low dose Anyway,ultimately it’s your decision — I just think you are worth a heck of a fight. I hope you start thinking that too.
Why is this the life we have? What did I do to deserve this?
I’ve often asked myself the same thing and I still don’t know the answer but right now I’m just trying to take it a day at a time. I don’t mind taking meds To me it’s better than calling the ambulance over and over again. Something that happened today got me upset but I’m going to just take it one day at a time and approach it with love rather than fear. I wish you the very best and hope you can feel peace. There are some awesome people here that can talk to you too. You picked a good place to be. I don’t think it was a coincidence that you are here.
I hope to get to the place where I’m comfortable taking it a day at a time. Right now the thought waking up to face this again tomorrow doesn’t feel good. My girlfriend got me some “medicinal”. At least I know tonight i will feel good. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and guidance.
I am really sorry you are feeling this way, I can’t imagine what you must be going through just know that there are people who care about you and love you and want you to be safe. Is there anyone you can talk to? A close friend, Pastor or a sibling parents , or if you don’t have anyone to talk to there is the Crisis Text Line you just Text to 741741 and a trained professional will help . If you feel like you want to harm yourself call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Please know they’re others out there that care about you. You mentioned you grew up in a Christian home, Are you a Christian? have you asked Jesus forgiveness for your sins? If so then as Christians they're are certain things we need to do to guard our heart from the evil one. 1. Pray ( in solitude, give the Holy Spirit time to talk to you) 2. Read the Word ( Meditate on it let the Holy Spirit guide you ) 3. Worship the lord at church ( we were born to worship , and what we worship is what we care about, whither it be the Lord, or false gods like money, cars , jobs etc.) 4. Fellowship with other believers.
I would also recommend getting counseling from a Christian counselor here is a number for you that will give you free advise and can refer you to counselors in your area. FOTF Counseling Line 1-855-382-5433
Prayers my friend.
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