I honestly feel like there’s little hope for me right now. I hate that I’m back on here complaining about my life every week. I hate that my health never seems to stay in a stable place the past few years. I’m so freaking anxious and depressed lately that I just don’t see myself having much quality of life. The past 3-4 months I’ve been having GI issues and had an endoscopy a week ago to see why my acid reflux has only seemed to get worse even with prescription strength Nexium and Prevacid. They discovered I had a hernia at the bottom of my esophagus/top of stomach (earlier misstated as an ulcer, my apologies) but my follow up appointment with the GI doctor about my results isn’t for another week and a half and the past few days I’ve been feeling incredibly bloated and nauseated to the point where I’m scared to eat and still feeling acid at the back of my throat and working during all this is causing so much more stress because I can’t do my best feeling like this and I don’t want to lose my job like I did last year when my anxiety attacks paralyzed me in fear. But this time it isn’t paralyzing me. I’m just tired of feeling sick. I’m tired of needing Xanax again after months of barely ever needing it anymore. I just feel like all my progress and great leaps I’ve made were all for nothing. And right now nothing makes me feel better. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous, hot and like I’m suffocating. It’s so scary and then waking up and having to go through work and run errands as if I don’t feel like I should be at home curled up or in someone’s doctors office. I feel like such a bother. It never seems to end.
I have so much I want to do. I had a beach trip planned for next month and a concert in october but I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it and I feel like I’ll be crushed if i have to put my life on hold again. Because last year I didn’t get to do anything I liked because I was miserable with my mental health. Now mental and physical combined is devastating.