Feeling defeated Having horrible fear, my head feels full and I can barely think straight... tired of this

[Starrlight]

I need a break but nothing brings the relief that I need. I get feeling guilty writing here but why because if it helps I should.

I am constantly trying to escape the way I feel. I want it to be over. Im so so tired. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me and that people see me in a bad light, and that I’m not smart, not capable, not a beautiful soul...I’m tired of the voices and trying so hard to be okay when I am never okay it’s ridiculous...

I’m tired of myself. I’m scared very scared... So what or how can I change it? In a way want to believe I am the way I’m supposed to be that somehow I am actually okay but how can this be it, I am not okay, little confidense, so destroyed. I’m in a very dark place. I am reaching out but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not but i have to let it out somewhere. There are so many little defeats I’ve gone through lately and I feel like I can’t win, can’t get better. And then there are the bigger things that I cannot even start to think I can accomplish...Right now I really don’t want to live at all and such guilt fills me for it but I can’t help how I feel.

I am sure this post sounds like other podts I’ve written and I was starting to move forward I don’t know what happened I’m back down again.

[newbie1956]

Sweetheart, you may need to go the the ER where someone can direct you to the help you need and deserve. Surely hope your husband will assist you today because you seem to be terribly crushed in spirit. Not sure what you mean by "the voices" but help is available. PLEASE don't wait much longer. We eagerly wait for your update. Prayers~ your friend, Carol

[pink83737]

Please stay, don't hurt yourself...have you heard of mindfulness? if not research it and look into it! it could help you a lot and remember this quote "the clouds don't last forever soon the sun will shine" see pain doesn't last forever. hang in there things are gonna get better love. please stick around to see that. I will pray for you and i think you should pray for yourself to. keep up with self care it can help a lot. its the little things.

[hypercat54]

Hi I think you are being much too hard on yourself and expecting too much. I wouldn't say I am smart, capable, or a beautiful soul who accomplishes much either but that doesn't mean Jack S*** to me coz I don't see those things as being that important - why do you?

You need to accept that you are just as good as anyone else and have as much right to a good life as anyone does. Stop seeing yourself so negatively and next time you start thinking like this follow it with a positive comment. Eg next time you think 'I am not smart' follow it with 'Ok so what' or 'I am still a good person'. Life is for living and enjoying as much as possible so give yourself permission to be less than perfect and join the rest of us imperfect souls. The only standards you have to live up to are your own and no one elses.

There is nothing wrong with you. I'm ok and you are ok too. x

[Natsteveo in reply to hypercat54]

Well said bev. ,x.

[hypercat54 in reply to Natsteveo]

Thanks Nat I appreciate that. I know it's not that easy but I am trying to help as much as I can.

How are you anyway Nat? Haven't seen you much for a while and hope you are ok. x

[Hidden]

We all have setbacks and that's okay, you're perfectly fine just the way you are stop putting yourself down

[lovedogs51511]

Good morning starrlight, please please don't do anything to hurt yourself!!! You just a dear and such a wonderful friend!!! Try and remember that I think as well as the others that your such a beautiful soul. You've ALWAYS given such amazing advice that helps very much!!! Your so wonderful with your sons Starrlight!!! They need a loving, caring, fun mom like you to enjoy and you are very important to them!!! I'm soooo sorry your feeling all of this. I've been there and I know how it feels. I don't think anyone could even see you in a bad light! Your a very very sweet and kind person that I've really enjoyed talking to. Your worth it ok Starrlight!! You deserve everything and anything good in this world!! Personally I think your boys are VERY lucky to have you as a mom!!! I truly mean what I've said ok. I think your great💝😀 Please never feel like you shouldn't post how you feel cause we are all here to help us thru our dark days!! I'm not great on giving advice but this is how I see you. Your fabulous Starrlight😀 Please I don't want to lose you as a friend!!! I'm glad I met you!!! Talk to me anytime your needing a friend to talk to ok??💝😀💝

[Lyn842]

Oh Starlight. Such a pretty name. I am 69 yrs old and battled depression since forever. I say to myself, "I should be over this by now." I don't understand. I've done it all, therapy, meds, hospitals, ECT. This is not my fault and its not your fault either. Its a chemical imbalance. God has not delivered me from this thorn in my side. I am a person with much compassion for people that are hurting. Most of all I am like this so I can have empathy for others. Especially in the Christian circles. We understand others with mental illness cause we've been there. We feel others pain. We can help each other just by understanding. It won't always be like this. You may have months or years where you'll be pretty much ok and then whammy! This will pass for you. Don't give up trying. Force yourself to do what you need to do.sending comforting hugs.

[Aspergirl47]

Starrlight....Please know that others are in exactly the same place just now...I am there too and don't know how to turn things around....I too..feel so scared....I see no improvement and my self esteem is rock bottom...I know what u mean when you say the voices in your head..its a never ending surge of intrusive thoughts..telling us were not good enough...torment I know...I have no family I can turn too they caused Ptsd through abuse ..so its a waste of time even talking to them...its a very lonely place to be in...but please for today try and do something good for yourself....anything...youre a good person... Let us know you are ok....Sending love xx

[Fluffy44]

Just don’t give up!! Saton wants to steal our joy of Jesus. Put on the full armor of God and fight that Devil with scripture!! When you can’t say anything just say Jesus!! I will pray for you!! Linda

[Starrlight]

I pray to God for protection. Thanks so much for praying for me; I will keep you in my prayers as well.

[Hidden]

Starrlight,

Big hugs and much love to you always!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

💕

[Rpan]

I hear you loud and clear star. I believe we all have this higher learning that needs attention. When we just can’t find the answers we turn to what has become familiar. We ruminate over such dark thoughts as if there is some kind of answer there. Keep expressing your feelings, even if it feels like a broken record, I assure you it is not. I hear that your hurting, I am too, I’m so sorry for that. I wish we could just take the pain away, I wish that god would just take this pain away, but he does not. It’s up to us find the peace and enjoyment we so desire. I believe it must start with hope, something I often choose not to admonish. Just keep moving forward and trust one day this pattern will not be so familiar. Trust that you can find hope and will be hopeful.

[Starrlight in reply to Rpan]

What gives you hope, Rpanio?

[Starrlight]

Yes hope. Sorry you are in pain as well.

[Rpan]

That’s such a great question. I’m sitting here trying to think about some major life lesson that will bring me hope for all eternity, you know this profound gesture that will just solve all of this hurt and fear. The fact is hope is something that needs to be practiced. I’m hopeful that one day I will have peace. I’m hopeful that my life choices are the right choices. I’m hopeful that what I choose to read will bring some level of enlightenment. I’m hopeful that as long as I continue on this journey leaving this world will no longer continue to be an option. I hope that one day I can rest in the arms of my wife and feel safe. I hope that one day I can feel safe and not afraid of myself. I wish that you too can find hope, it’s ok for us to be afraid. I hope that one day and can embrace this fear and love myself, I hope that for you..

[Starrlight in reply to Rpan]

Very beautiful words. Thank you. I find hope in others words, within myself mostly, and hope is all around us always. I guess it is up to us to find what we need; what jumps out to us. One time I was in such despair that only a bright lime green color of a plant gave me hope since it meant life and I focused on that.

[lovetodance2018]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. It is so good you are reaching out on this forum. We are all here for you. Know you are not alone.

I remember how awful it feels to be in that dark place and feel like there is no way out. What has helped me is getting the right help. With the right medication and counseling you will start feeling better. I had to remember that depression is an illness and just like diabetes taking medication helps relieve the symptoms. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain and your brain needs to get balanced again. Here is an article (bit.ly/2INPwlG) on depression that can help and direct you to the help you need. I will be praying for you. Hugs!

[Starrlight in reply to lovetodance2018]

Thanks I have been trying out meds since I was 15 and now I’m 41...so I have little faith but I may try Paxil or something soon not sure. Therapy isn’t working for me these days. Thank you for the prayers. I will pray for you right now too.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to Starrlight]

I am sorry you have struggled for so many years. My faith has helped me when I struggle. Even though I still struggle I know I am not alone. My favorite poem is called Footprints in the Sand. (bit.ly/2x04tJ5) It teaches that God carries us in the tough times of our life.

I also found a site that has a lot of encouraging tips on insights on how to improve our mental and physical health. (bit.ly/2JeZvl3)

Finally this book was helpful for me. It is called Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers. (bit.ly/2IQhptu). Our thoughts can control us, but they don't have to and this book has some great insight into how to get our thoughts under control. I am available if you ever need to chat. Praying for you and that you will be able to find the strategies, medication, and counseling that will help. Blessings.

[Starrlight in reply to lovetodance2018]

Thanks so much Lovetodance! So appreciated.

[CaptainCrunch]

It’s a real battle. As you can see your not alone. I’ve been there before and been struggling since this weekend. I find being still and doing nothing is in fact doing something very important. Be Still and know I am God.

[Starrlight in reply to CaptainCrunch]

I love that - be still and know I am God

💕

[Hidden in reply to CaptainCrunch]

Be Still and know I am God. Looove!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

😃