I don't know how many more secrets I can keep

[Cali7]

I have so many secrets that people are asking me to keep... My sister wants me to keep secrets from my parents and everyone else and my parents want me to keep secrets from my sister and everyone and I don't know how I am supposed to keep them. I can't talk to anyone because people are too busy talking to me about their problems. I feel so alone... I can't help but feel lost in the caverns.

[Txaps]

Tell them the same thing when people want to gossip. "I dont want to know. Keep it to yourself."

[Cali7 in reply to Txaps]

I think that is more difficult for me because when someone is in trouble I like to help them out. It is hard to sit by and watch people suffer with their own secrets when they feel they cannot tell anyone

[PhotoMum04]

This is so hard! I've been put in that position before and it is tricky, especially with family. I had to go see a counselor to help me with this with my mom and sister. He said it wasn't uncommon but it wasn't healthy and helped me learn how to remove myself from the triangulation. It was so helpful and such a relief to know I didn't have to keep on being the 'middle man.' It wasn't easy to do as I was so concerned with their responses, but it got to the point where it was so stressful otherwise. Do you have a counselor or wise, trusted mentor? I know you said you were feeling alone and this kind of relational issue can cause isolation within the family. I know it really helped me to find good support. I'm sorry you are feeling so alone but I'm praying you can get some help with this situation.

[Cali7 in reply to PhotoMum04]

I have seen different counselors throughout my life and found that they all tell me the same thing which is to breath. I have an anxiety disorder and find that this doesn't help me all that much but I have recently seen a great counselor! Trying to work through all the stuff I'velocked away. Thank you for the support!

[PhotoMum04 in reply to Cali7]

I’m so happy to hear you found a good counselor and are working through things! And that it’s helping. It took time and patience with myself (and my situation) but it was worth it! I found that I handled other situations better, as well. You can’t go wrong investing in yourself!

[Cali7 in reply to PhotoMum04]

Thank you for your words! I was feeling a little better over the holidays but lately it has reached a bit of a high and things are feeling low. I am worried to tell my mom and sister I can no longer take their secrets especially my mom because they have no one else. Their friends aren't exactly listeners and I don't know how to tell them I can't be either. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't want to leave my family... What do I do?

[PhotoMum04 in reply to Cali7]

Have you ever heard of the book, "Boundaries?" It's an excellent book on how to recognize and set boundaries with people you love. This has been the most valuable resource of all that I've read and what I love is that it gives guidelines on how to have that difficult conversation in a kind way. I would write it down on cards and memorize what I wanted to say. This really helped me manage my emotions when having those hard talks. It also explains what is and is not your responsibility. There are times when you can be there for your family, but it's not healthy if it's about each other. If you are burdened and down, that is an indicator that something is not right. They may not respond well to a boundary at first and that has been the case in my experience. However, I also experienced respect for my boundaries after time and the relationship was better for both. It may help motivate them to have a better relationship with each other in the end, as well.

[foxglove_pnw in reply to PhotoMum04]

One of my favorite books !

[Cali7 in reply to PhotoMum04]

I will definitely look up the book and take a look thank you! At this point I am willing to try anything as long as it isn't going to hurt anyone

[Needtovent in reply to Cali7]

Cali, i have often found myself in a similar position. I’ve always been ‘the helper’ of the family. My job is such that i am responsible for organizing other people’s lives in many ways, so it always seemed natural to do it in my own life too. However real life is so different because of the need for those very Boundaries. Thanks to photomum for the book suggestion. I too will look it up. I’m glad you found a therapist to help you sort through this. I am recently returning to therapy (first new appt next week). I hadn’t thought about these boundary issues as triggers, but after reading your post, this will be helpful to take to the discussion. In hindsight, i did discuss that a lot in previous therapy, i.e. techniques to be able to say no. May be something i need to revisit. Good luck to you and thanks for the post.

[Hidden]

That’s good people tell you secrets because that means you’re probably a trustworthy person. People tell secrets because there’s a weight to the things we don’t let go; by sharing it with you, they’re letting it go. So try letting them go, yourself, by writing them down and then burning or throwing it away, or talk to God about it.

[Cali7 in reply to Hidden]

That is a great idea! I'll try that and thank you for the suggestion