I’m not really sure where to start. It’s almost 10pm here and I know it’s going to be another long night. I finally talked to my doctor a few months ago about my depression and she started me on Wellbutrin. It was doing really well at first. I had energy for an entire day. I cleaned my garage which I hadn’t done in a year. Then I crashed. It still got rid of the thoughts that I was having that initially made me decide I needed to talk to my doctor, though, so I waited two weeks then upped the dose to two a day like she told me to, hoping the energy would come back again. It didn’t. At some point I started taking both in the morning because even taking it one in the am and one in the pm, I was still struggling with the crying and the not getting off the couch. Two in the morning helped me get through until about 6 or 7 and then I could just crash and eventually fall asleep. At some point, recently, I somehow ended up forgetting and swapping to taking them at night when I remember. I’ve always been so bad at remembering.. and the last few nights have been so hard. I’m counting the days to my next appointment. 3. I’m so close. I just need to purge what’s inside right now though and I hope this is an ok place to do that. I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone I know EVERYTHING. I feel like what little I’ve shared is too much. I’m annoying them. I’m constantly complaining. I can’t pull myself together and just be happy for once. It’s all in my head. They’ve never said any of that, but it’s how I feel they are feeling. I’ve tried but I just can’t. And I just don’t have time with my work schedule to see a professional and I’ve never felt comfortable the few times I’ve been to one. Sitting here, typing this anonymously, getting it all out at once, feels safe though, so thank you.
I’m so tired of everything. There are so many people who have had far worse lives than I have. I am truly blessed. I have three beautiful and brilliant children. A home. A dependable vehicle. My dream job. A support system of family around me made up of 5 generations that I see on almost a daily basis. I live across the street from my grandparents, one block from my parents, four blocks from my great grandma but I see her at work every day because I coordinate activities for the local Senior Center. I live in a small town in bush Alaska. It’s a close knit community. My doctor is someone my mom has seen since she was 14. My Church is amazing. Even my dog is always happy.
I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy and productive. I feel worthless and useless. I feel like crying almost all the time. I feel worn down. I feel like I just want to go to sleep.
I want to preface all of this by saying my Mom is my best friend. She is amazing and I adore her and she is always there for me and supportive. Any mistakes she may have made in her past, I don’t hold against her.
I’ve had my problems. I’ve been raped 7 times between the ages of 5 and 21 and those are just what I remember. The first was my Mom’s ex husband and I don’t remember much before I was 5, and no one else knew about it for 23 years. I didn’t tell ANYONE until last year. Well, except his brother. When I was 14 he and his brother found out where I worked and they’d call me there constantly telling me they had been looking for me, just wanted to talk and my mom was keeping me from him and lying to me about him. I told his brother that my Mom never said a word about him one way or another, that the house number hadn’t changed since he called it last, and by the way your brother did THIS to me and I’M the one saying no to his calls and to never contact me again. Haven’t heard from them since although it took his Mom another 5 years or so to stop sending holiday and birthday cards. He wasn’t even my real dad anyway. My bio dad was a high school fling my Mom had. I never met him.
I don’t want to go into details of the middle ones... there were a lot. I was too trusting and foolish. By the time I got into college I was using promiscuity and alcohol to take control of my life again. I was in control of who I slept with and what I did. It felt good for a while. Then I got into a relationship with a very abusive man who I finally got the guts to break up with and after, he.... well he basically forced me to get pregnant. That was the last time. That first ultrasound that confirmed my pregnancy was all I needed. I refused to let my baby be around that life. I moved back home and in with my parents.
A few other things happened before that though. My Mom remarried when I was 7. She’s still married to him and he is my hero and I love him dearly and call him my Dad.
Around the time I was 14, shortly before another rape, my Dad woke me up at 5am, telling me to get my ass in the car. I didn’t realize what time it was and figured I was just late for school. I told him I needed to shower first. He stood in my doorway, looked me dead in the eye and said “Your Grandma is missing and they can’t find your uncle. The cops said he may come after us next and we need to leave town now.” And didn’t say another word to me or my brothers until we were well over 100 miles away. We spent the night in a crummy hotel in the middle of nowhere and went home the next morning. I don’t remember much right after that other than feeling guilty for missing school and insisting on smiling and going to work and being “happy”. My uncle is schizophrenic, apparently. I don’t really understand the timeline because the court documents say he had strangled my grandma then walked into town for a cheeseburger before going to his friend’s house and partying. But I remember the clock saying 5:12am when we left town. It’s always confused me. Anyway, I held it together most of the time. Someone had to. Everyone else was a mess. I did break down in school a year later, in Biology though. We had a substitute. She had been left a film on autopsy to show. I lost it. Sobbed in front of everyone and she took me down to the office to sit while mumbling “I knew something like this was going to happen”
I’ve had an obsession with crime shows since then. Not scary ones, but things like Murder, She Wrote or CSI. I can’t do SVU though. That one gives me anxiety.
Anyway, after I went to college and after a few more rapes (I hate saying it that way. I just... don’t FEEL anymore. They are almost normal for me at this point and I’ve just accepted them like one accepts a bad steak at a restaurant you know is mediocre. Just empty acceptance and no feeling) I put on a lot of weight. It took me a while to really understand that it was emotional weight. If I was fat then no one would hurt me. I was wrong though. Anyway, that brings us to my sweet little boy. He saved me. I moved back in with my folks, had him, he was perfect and VERY loved. I was always afraid something would happen to him though. Constant anxiety about everything. I almost lost him when he got his 4 month old shots and they almost killed him. Moved out of my parent’s house and into an apartment with him. I had 5 jobs that summer, all at the same time. Only 1 full time and the rest were part time/weekend/evening/on my own schedule things. Ended up managing a local restaurant that winter and met my ex husband. He was tall and muscular and acted like a provider and protector. I jumped on that, ready to feel safe. 5 year marriage short, I finally kicked him out two years ago after he blew the workman’s comp check he’d received from breaking his leg ($27,000 straight to video games) and when I caught him cheating on me AGAIN with the same woman I caught him with two weeks after we got married. We had two little girls by then, though. Our marriage had been over a long time though. He never spent time with the rest of us. 3 years he spent locked in his own bedroom because he refused to share with me, so I slept in the kids’ room. I’d see him when I took him food or went in to clean his room. So him moving out didn’t ever really affect the kids too much. They noticed, but only because I’d make them go to his place to visit and that was NOT at our house. They didn’t want to see him. He didn’t ever want to see them. I forced the relationship between them all because he’s their Dad. He looked the judge in the face during our 10 minutes at court and told him he didn’t want them. He gave me everything. Physical, legal, support, the house, even his precious Star Wars movies. Just so he’d only have to see them for two hours a week. Which he “forgets” most of the time anyway. I’ve stopped forcing it. I used to text him and try to push it but now, I don’t even bother. There’s no reason to get everyone upset. His parents still ask for time on birthdays and holidays but only for long enough that they can take a few pictures to post on Facebook with #blessed and #grandkidsarethebest... then they send them right back home, hours before we had scheduled. I hate sending them but I don’t know what else to do. So I’ll continue to send them... until they are old enough to say no.
Tonight, I’m just tired. I’ve been trying to get this weight off. Trying to keep us afloat financially because my job doesn’t pay all the bills but my ex is really behind on support so I have to find ways to make miracles happen every month and pray the heating fuel lasts until my next paycheck. I’ve put in for other jobs even though I LOVE my current job and it offers a lot of flexibility. I work for 3 other women who have all been single mothers. If the kids are sick, or if we are going on a trip because I homeschool the kids (doctor’s orders because my son has severe anxiety at public school and we may as well do everyone the same way), I can take all the time I need off without losing pay. It’s been a blessing.
All I wanted out of life was to fall in love, have a family and raise my kids with a partner who wanted to be with us and loves us. I wanted to be the mom who’s home all day with the kids teaching and loving them, who can keep up on the housework, have dinner on the table when my hard working husband comes home, who can pack up the car Friday while he’s at work for a surprise camping trip, or leave the kids with grandma and grandpa so he and I can go hunting or fishing to fill the freezer and enjoy each others company. I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone who knew my past. All of it. Who could still love me in spite of it. Who could hold me at night when the nightmares won’t stop. Tell me I’m safe. Tell me our family is safe.
I am blessed. I have had an easier life than many many many people. Most, even. Why can’t I just be happy with what I have and let go of everything else? Why can’t I keep the laundry done? Or the dishes, or the lawn mowed? I’m just tired. I’m always tired.
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LSH101315
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I’m glad you’ve been able to get that off your chest. I wonder if deep down, you’re angry at those who raised you for allowing you to be raped at such a young age. I can’t imagine and am very sorry that you’ve had to go through so much. I would have shot anyone anywhere near my kids...and I mean that. I also have 3 kids who are now adults.
I take Lithium and Cymbalta and they help, but that’s just a slice of my recovery from depression. My spirituality helps me more than anything but I also have to be in charge of what I think about. I try not to dwell on the negative aspects of things, but I focus on the positive. I let go of the past and the future to live in today only. Even in today, if there’s something in which I have no control, I let it go. I only focus on what’s in front of me on a daily basis. Sounds like putting your head in the sand, but it works for me! If I were you, I would focus on letting go of the past first.
I hope you will continue to vent your feelings here and I will be watching for you. I pray you receive the courage and strength to let go of the past...🌺🙂🌺
LSH, sorry you're having a hard time. Thanks for trusting us with your story. I agree with GratitudeFirst. And I think you need to find a way to process your pain instead of minimizing it by saying others have worse lives than you. That is probably true, but your pain and experiences are yours. You are a human being with emotions and memory (filled with trauma and abuse), and the first step in recovering and healing is to admit you have been hurt (which you have done in this post).
I, like Gratitude, find strength in my faith. I am happy to read that you have an amazing church. Do they offer any kind of support groups (Celebrate Recovery, etc.)? Or a women's bible study?
The PTSD workbook is a very good resource, also, to do on your own.
I have been able to process the abuses from my past by reading. I try so hard to get out of my own head. If I just dwell on my situations, my past, those who have hurt me, etc. I get so anxious and depressed and hopeless.
I read Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel Amen and Rethink How You Think by Dr. David Stoop. Both of these books taught me so much about how the brain works.
Thank you for the reply! I struggle to allow myself to own my past because I break down and my depression dives out of control. I’m trying to find a way to work through it without minimizing it.. I’m going to try both of those books. I never take the time to read and need to. They’ll be a good place to start.
Hi LSH - I know it is a bit cliche and I'm sorry if I missed something in there, but I can't imagine processing all you've been through without a professional. I'm a bit like you in that it feels like I've been both incredibly blessed but also incredibly hurt, and that I want badly to have my faith and the church be able to help me through it. But sometimes, things are just too much, and what you've been through is incredible. That said, you could certainly use your church staff to find a counselor consistent with your faith. In addition to the good programs mentioned in other replies (I've heard great things about Celebrate Recovery), many denominations also have a Stephen's Ministry program, which is laity led. I'm not sure they give advice as much as listen to you, but they go through significant training and probably have some ideas about general directions for you. Good luck. My prayers! BAH
Hi, LSH! I am so glad you posted here. Just getting it off your chest is half the battle.
So, here's what I think. I don't know if you're even looking for solutions and only wanted to vent, but it's super hard to silence me anyway.
Your PTSD is obviously off the charts. I won't treat you like a victim after this...but I just want to hug you, hold you and tell you that you'll be OK, hon. My guess is that your experiences were not terribly unusual in the environment you were raised in; the culture that you were helpless to do anything about. You had no voice, nor did you have any control over.
I'm hoping you already know this, but all these horrible crimes that were perpetrated against you....crimes that each and every one of your perpetrators should have been strung up by their balls for and had the same acts performed on them, were NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
It must be weird for people who have grown up under normal circumstances to hear our stories. It must boggle their minds and horrify them, while we feel it's just another day at the zoo.
The culture I grew up in was one where our grandparents were eastern european immigrants. Women were supposed to know their place or, by God, there'll be hell to pay. If children didn't mind their P's & Q's, they were likely to get "the Belt". Domestic violence & alcoholism was the normal for many, many of us. A child's lifetime of watching and experiencing physical, mental and, in lots of cases, sexual violence produces children who grow up to be "tough" & "resilient" adults.
Well....FU@& THAT SH!# !!!
So, what do we do? What I did was pull myself up by the bootstraps and move on for 40 years. Yeah.....but that didn't work. And it's not working for you, either.
I did find recovery from alcoholism, which was 25 years ago. But then I started to go to Al-Anon, which is for people whose lives are affected by alcohol, i.e. alcoholism reared its ugly head in people we love...and often ourselves!
It was super helpful, but I was still having issues with all of my relationships. Work & co-workers; family members; friends & acquaintances.
My anti-depressants were no longer helping. I have since gone on Cymbalta AND Welbutrin. It's been working pretty decent, but it came to light that besides depression, I also have ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Personality Disorders. I see a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. Now for the icing on the cake:
Much of this mental & emotional chaos was the result of childhood trauma. Hence, for me, more meds.
Then I found a program called "Adult Children of Alcoholics". For me, this program started with a list of characteristics and traits of what ACOA's have been programmed with. PTSD - It's such a heavy burden. What's happened is that we never matured the way we should have and literally don't know how to act or "be". I found that I didn't ever learn how to "Do Life". So many things that should be common sense or automatic, were ignored...i.e. organizing a cupboard. Washing clothes AND putting them away. You see, us ACOA's were so busy putting out fires or in "fight or flight" mode, or being alone while Mom and/or Dad were"Out", or we were hangin' out...unsupervised.
So, for me, it's a matter of learning how to re-parent this lost little girl. I'm not there yet. It takes quite a while if we're serious, but there is a step-by-step program that takes us through it.
Good luck, sweet woman. As I promised you in the beginning...there is a solution if you're open to it and have the willingness and the desire to get better.
Colleen, your message mean so much to me. I didn’t grow up around drugs or alcohol but I feel like I never processed a lot of those life skill lessons, even how to properly say thank you and I’m sorry. I lay awake at night stressed about how many times I said those two phrases all day. It’s like nothing else ever comes out of my mouth. Laundry never gets put away. I’m getting better at dishes. Most of the time. I just sink into this deep nothing and when I snap out of it, more time than I’d care to admit has gone by.
I struggle with things like being touched. Not in a sexual way, but when I’m sitting on the couch for example, and one of my sweet kids plops down next to me, hip to hip and my brain goes haywire. My anxiety explodes and I HAVE to move. Similar to the anxiety I get when the volume on the tv is at 19 or when the blankets are too heavy or tight and I can’t move my legs (or shoes. I can’t wear shoes I can’t wiggle my toes in)
Anyway I trailed off. I’m sorry. Thank you for your reply. I’ve read it a few times now and it probably won’t be the last.
That's really interesting about your not being able to sit still if people get near you or when loud things bother you.
When things are loud (except music), especially when someone's angry around, me I just cringe. I feel almost sick. I attribute that to a violent, scary dad. Not with my sister and I but with Mom or guys that pissed him off or if someone did something to his girls. Once, he beat up a girl's dad because the gal pushed me off my barstool and I chipped a tooth. The thing is...I was falling into this gal sideways and whatnot while sitting next to her in a bar because I was so trashed! So I'm regressing here. What I also wanted to mention is that we adopted an Australian Cattle Dog - a Red Heeler mix - who was found wandering when she was about 5 months old. I got her on the day I had my 20 year sobriety anniversary. Just turned out that way. She has this glitchy thing she does. If you plop down anywhere near her butt or back legs, almost like a blind spot area, she growls, snaps & jumps away. It doesn't matter if it's my 3 year old granddaughter or me. She's never, ever connected with someone's skin when snapping. It's clearly a warning! She also is unable to be confined in a cage/kennel or a hug. She will scratch, claw or dig her way out. She suffers from separation anxiety and freaks when we're leaving and she is my shadow....follows me everywhere I go in the house no matter what she was doing, like eating, etc.
So, why am I writing so much about the dog? Hell if I know! Lol!! Just kidding. I see her as having been wounded to her soul when she was young. You are the same. You have a wounded soul. This is an affliction I also suffer from.
The cure is to learn how to love yourself by pushing through the trauma (ignoring it is just a temporary band-aid).
Please check local or online resources for help. There are tons of opportunities out there right now. Women all over are stepping up and finding their voice. Mad as hell and ain't gonna take it anymore!
I'm not talking about the lady that wasn't chosen for cheerleader or didn't get to go to the prom. There are women (and men as well) who have been BRUTALIZED and the community faced the other way...didn't want to get involved.
The last thing is ACOA changed its format to include not only alcoholism, but dysfunction...period! The name was actually changed to Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. It is a 12-Step program and doedn't cost anything unless you want to throw a buck or two in the kitty. Their website is adultchildren.org
Most important, actually critical, is to get counseling for the damage that has been done from getting raped...especially multiple times!
I hope you find this forum welcoming and warm. And I hope you get a lot of support here as I get a lot support from many anonymous people too.
Reading your post, I think you are strong women. So strong and hopeful that you still find it in you to believe in love regardless of the difficulties you face. That makes you so amazing and beautiful in so many ways. And though you feel tired, though you feel not satisfied with what's in front of you, that is okay. To me, this means you deserve even more. And though it is tiring, I know you'll overcome it like you've overcome your challenges before.
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