I need "friendship" advice

[Wowzerzzz]

Sooo in a previous post I talked about how my "friends" from high school don't really like to hang out with me (we're all in college). I want to stop associating myself with them, but I LITERALLY have nobody else. And I need some advice on how to handle the situation. But first let me hit you with all the facts.

In high school we were all pretty close, and in the beginning of freshman year we were still good friends. We hung out, went to events and sports games. Then they started becoming friends with people on their dorm hall (I live on the other side of campus than the other 2). They formed a little clique, but still invited me to places. And when I went, I got small feelings of being left out. They were around each other 24/7, and I am hardly ever around. We (including their new friends) ate lunch together, and that's where I felt the worst and where the feeling of loneliness began. I just started to feel like I didn't belong with them, that they didn't want me around, and that they only invited me to places because I was present when they made the plans. I could see on social media where they did a BUNCH of things without me, and they talk about things around me that they did but I wasn't invited.

Summer came, and they didn't talk to me the entire summer. When we all got back to school, we ended up all going to the same club meeting (completely coincidental that I saw them there). And of course they felt obligated to sit with me, and they made a plan to go to a party, which they invited me to very late that night (when almost walking out the door). That party changed my entire outlook on our relationship. At many points, nobody was talking to me, I was walking by myself while the others were in pairs/groups of 3. They insisted on walking me back to my dorm but I could see on their faces they'd rather go home. They never want to come to my dorm but have no problem asking me to come to theirs. At the end of that night I was being obviously quiet and not talking because I had all of this weighing on my mind.

This whole situation seems toxic to me, and prevents me from real friend making. Is that true? Or should I suck it up? Have some sort of conversation with them? Please keep in mind I do have social anxiety (see my previous posts) and am naturally shy and making friends will be difficult no matter what. Help me please....

[had_o]

It sounds like they are toxic, you’re right. Doesn’t sound like they’re worth the heartache and pain. I know it’s difficult to make new friends...I do but I’m not sure how to help...just let them go and don’t resist when others try to become part of your life in some way. Idk how much help this was, but I hope it helps somewhat ❤️ stay strong

[Wowzerzzz in reply to had_o]

Thank you! I also think that's part of my problem, I resist sometimes when someone wants to hang out. I just naturally think they don't actually want to and they just feel obligated to ask.

[had_o in reply to Wowzerzzz]

Yes- I feel the same way 100% of the time. It sucks but you have to acknowledge it and move past it

[Hidden]

Hey there, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot with this group of friends. I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this. I’ve been battling social anxiety since I was a teenager & I know first hand how difficult it can be. I had friends who made me feel like the odd one out too. I never wanted to hookup with random guys & there were so many times they would leave me out. Or they only invited me out of obligation, but I didn’t know anyone. I can’t tell you what to do, but I would advise you to talk to them. If they are your real friends, they will listen. If they discount your feelings or make you feel unjustified for feeling that way, I would recommend not spending as much time with them anymore. You deserve to be around people that you feel genuinely want to be in your presence. I am here if you never need someone to talk to. I hope this helps. <3

[Wowzerzzz in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I think I may try to talk to them. But I don't think I'm bold enough to bring it up. i think if they try and talk to me then I will mention it

[David0987]

I'm so sorry you're suffering. It sounds so painful. I remember those days in college. They are not easy. Making friends is hard in one way. In the sense that we think it's about a quick connection but it sometimes takes a while. But in adult life I've come to realize it takes a while to realize the deeper things we have in common.

I just dropped off my daughter who's at college so I'm particularly concerned about your situation. I believe you can find good friends who accept you as you are. I know it's not easy. I don't have a silver bullet I'm so sorry. For me, it was staying within my major that seemed to help. Gave me a space where u could feel competent and confident. What do you think?

[Wowzerzzz in reply to David0987]

I hope your daughter doesn't have the same experiences I've been having. Just don't deny her mental health condition if she comes to you about it, like my dad did to me. Ugh that still makes me mad. Anyways, i just declared my major right before summer started, so I'm still getting involved with it and it's clubs on campus. But yes, that is actually my current course of action to getting to know people.

[David0987]

Thank you. You're post is a good reminder to keep in touch with how she's really feeling. You can do this! Lots of us have been there!

[Wowzerzzz in reply to David0987]

yeah, most of my family thinks I'm doing just fine and dandy, so that's pretty difficult. But I'm glad I could help!

[FireDog]

In youth your friend perspective is a lot different than later in life .Looking back I couldn't count the number of people that have come and gone in my life. Younger days I worried about losing relationships and as I grew I found myself drifting away from some friends and a few I kicked to the curb. As I aged I realized I had to be my best friend first, love thy self and all that, it's true. The truly happy people I have met have only a small group of friends and they will tell you that group is constantly changing with a few anchor friends. You and the people you meet in life "become" friends, the old adage " go make new friends " doesn't work ever. Wake up, take a deep breath, look yourself in eye and be awesome. True friends will always be there wither its across campus or across continents. You have many days ahead of you enjoy them. Don't be angry with your friends, think about the good times you had with them and move on. Also if you want to feel good about you, volunteer some time if your not already. Remember always , no matter where YOU go there YOU are. Take care

[Wowzerzzz in reply to FireDog]

that was some really deep advice, and I very much appreciate it. I've always kind of had an issue with self love/confidence, so maybe working on that first will help..

[FireDog in reply to Wowzerzzz]

I grew up a shy child and I changed my life by pushing myself out of my comfort zone for the right reasons, helping others gives you a inner strength. I believe success will follow when you have the Courage to fail.

[Wowzerzzz in reply to FireDog]

Thank you for sharing, that really helped me

[Hidden in reply to FireDog]

Yes!

[gerg]

Friends change. Change is a good thing. You will find the friends that you need if you can accept these two concepts.

Be the best person that you can and everything will work out.

[Wowzerzzz in reply to gerg]

True, I suppose me and change don’t really get along now that I think about it. But it’s definitely something I can work on

[gerg in reply to Wowzerzzz]

Acceptance is the key to change. Right now everything in my world is exactly as it is meant to be. I don’t know the reasons why, I do not know the outcomes. I don’t know which way I should push things, so I don’t push.

[Hidden]

Wowzerzzz,

I've moved around a lot in my life. From school, college, university, through living and working in different countries. There's one thing I can guarantee you, you will always find new friends.

Do NOT blame your old friends for moving on. They have invited you to be with them. They sound ok to me. But is it realistic to hang out with people who live too far away? Wouldn't it be great if you had friends who live in your own back yard?

Well, Wowzerzzz, there are new friends who live close by. But they're not going to reach out to you if they think you're part of that clique who are your old friends. They probably think you're the cliquey one, that you're turning your back to them, because you have friends elsewhere.

Try going to some local clubs or inviting local people to things at your place. You'll soon find that plenty of new people like you. As for your old friends, don't disown them. You've all moved on is all. They still like you, but time for others to like you too.

John

[sunandbutterfly]

Hey there, Sorry to hear of the situation with your friends and your social anxiety. I would encourage you if you continue with these friends-next time you are at a party, try to find the person who is left out. If you befriend them, you may find that the events turn out to be more fun. If you are not able to attend more events with them, you may try joining other interest groups at the school or be volunteering somewhere. I would be glad to send you a link to a podcast about friendships as well. Hope that helps.