Friendship

[raphnn]

I am a quiet person. I have a hard time making friends and when I do I am a great friend. Right now I have a friend who I became close with and I have decided to stop talking to her because I want to be alone again. I’ve spent a long time focusing on our friendship and it’s very exhausting. We have the same group of people we hang around with and I have been avoiding her. I have run into the other people but not her and I always try to be brief with them. I have been Lying about where I am to her because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I like having friends but I also like being alone. Is that a bad thing?

[Mary-intussuception]

That's not a bad thing - but not sure about lying to a friend you really like and whose friendship you treasure ?

Could you talk these things through with your friend?

Might she be more hurt when she finds out you've been lying to her?

I think we all need some time alone.

xx

[raphnn in reply to Mary-intussuception]

I will talk to her. I feel guilty about it.

[Lixus]

Hi,

I think you should talk to her about what you feel, I mean, everyone may feel the need to be alone for some time, I feel it too and it's not bad but nobody will understand us if we keep it inside and we "isolate" ourselves from others.

If she is a good friend I'm sure she will understand

[raphnn in reply to Lixus]

Thank you I will talk to her.

[Lixus in reply to raphnn]

Good luck with all, and feel free to ask me anything if you need to

[LilyAnnepuppy]

I don't think a great friend just ghosts a friend without telling her why. It's not her fault you've lost interest in working on the friendship. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone , but let her know it's you and not something she did. I don't think you are saving her feelings by lying to her.

[raphnn in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

You’re right. I’ll work on communicating with her.

[bear4ble]

The answer is - I do not know. However, you could examine the possibility within yourself of coming clean with your friend about your needs. If you do not like to lie, you may find that causes stress and makes the whole situation awkward to deal with. May be food for thought.

[GBfan]

Please let us know how the conversation goes. I am the same way, I have very few friends but they are my life. I have had the conversation that I may drop out for awhile just because I need my space. They are all cool with it. I just let them know so they dont worry. I am hoping your friend will understand as well...

[NoNo19 in reply to GBfan]

I like that, "I may drop out for awhile."

It's honest, but like you said doesn't make them overly worried. Eventually, they'll be like, "Yeah he /she just does that every once in awhile." lol

[Hidden]

Being alone is not per say a bad thing, but I don’t know anyone that likes to be alone. You have to tell this person it’s your problem, not hers because people get really hurt, and they might feel no one else will like to be with her either. I really think you are going though depression. I have PTSD with severe aniexty, and depression but I never want to be alone. But I have been alone in this for 14 years. But I have depression because of the PTSD ,not just depression were people don’t know why they are depressed. please sit down with this person ,and try to explain this to them, why you are doing this to her.❤️

[NoNo19]

At the end of the day, don't feel bad because you feel the need to have balance. Your body knows what it needs. Sometimes it wants to be alone, sometimes it wants to be smothered in love, like a pork chop. 😁 But at the end of the day, I think the above-mentioned advice is sound. If you value the friendship, eventually you'll just let them know what's going on with you and what you may need. You don't have to expose the nitty gritty, like "I'm exhausted," but perhaps something more creative and easy to digest, like "I'm just going to recharge my batteries for a little while."

Hope it all works out! Much Love!! 😘

[Bostonian]

There is nothing wrong with needing time for yourself, especially when you have things on your mind.

Having said that, you may want to examine your relationships, to determine how they affect your anxiety.

[Saltwater]

Yes, I have this issue too. I cut ties with friends from school because they were always wanting to do things that I found too difficult and I had social anxiety and nobody really knew about it. I pushed myself to do things that I found hard and would get very stressed about small things like going out for a meal or to a party.

I used to pretend to be ill sometimes when I couldn't face going out. I didn't think telling them the real reasons were right for me and I didn't think they would understand.

Now, 20 years on. I have no friends. I don't have any contact with anyone and I do feel bad for the way I handled it. Perhaps they would have understood if I gave them a chance. Perhaps they could have just accepted that sometimes I would need to say no to social gatherings and that it was not their fault. I didn't really give them that option.

I slowly stopped doing things with them and made up excuses to the point that they just stopped asking. Eventually, one close friend who still stuck around asked if I wanted to do something and I messaged and said that I wanted to break ties with them, that I needed to be on my own. They understood but I knew it hurt them.

I still feel bad because I didn't really explain why.

My life is complex and I find things very difficult. It is hard to say to people that you don't like to do the things that everyone else loves to do. It makes you feel weird and different, so it was easier to just evade and make up excuses.

Perhaps it is easier for you to keep an online relationship with your friend. Perhaps tell them that you go through phases and need alone time more than other people might. Tell them that you will keep in touch by text or social media if you use that and tell her that you will let her know when you feel like meeting up again.

People change and it is hard to keep up with life sometimes. There comes a point where we all feel that we need something different, even if only for a while.

I would explain the way you feel and make her aware that she has done nothing wrong. Keep in touch in other ways. I didn't really have that option growing up, there are so many ways now to stay in touch without actually talking face to face.

You may find this an easier way of keeping connections while you work things through in your own time.

[raphnn in reply to Saltwater]

Sorry to hear that. I think you touch on a great point: if you push too many people away you’ll end up lonely. I don’t want to be lonely I just want to be alone sometimes.

[Saltwater in reply to raphnn]

Yes, I think we shouldn't jump to a conclusion that people won't understand. If we tell them the way it is, and they understand then great...we can keep things low until we are ready to do more again. If we tell them and they don't understand or get mad, then the relationship was not meant to last anyway.

I was quite young when I pushed people away. I just didn't know how else to cope. I am lucky in that I have a wonderful family, so I am not alone, but I do not have friendships, just people that I know. I do miss them, but I could not cope with the pressure. Sometimes, people would ask if I wanted to go out and I would say no, I don't really feel like it and they would call me boring or old. It would make me sad that they didn't understand that I was happy being their friend, but that I just enjoyed different things.

I suppose the people I was friends with were just too different to me. They made friends with what they thought I was, but this was my front, my cover. It wasn't how I really was. I think the moral of it all is to be yourself and surround yourself with people who are similar to you and have similar interests. I was always quiet and shy and my friends were outgoing and very social, loved parties and being loud. I tried to be the same but it just wasn't me. I wanted it to be, but it wasn't.

Be honest, be true to who you are and hopefully your friend will understand and be there for you whenever you feel like being more social.

xx

[raphnn]

Maybe I should clarify what I mean by lying where I am. Like since we go to the same university we usually find each other during our breaks or free time, but I don’t do that when class is over I tell her that I’m still in class, when I am actually in the library taking a nap before I go to work or my next class.

[Gaylehh in reply to raphnn]

I’m learning about how to maintain relationships too so don’t feel bad. I need to be by myself more if I am depressed and have to learn to tell that to friends or family. I’m still not sure that they would understand.

[raphnn in reply to Gaylehh]

Can’t knock it til you try it

[Hidden]

Maintaining relationships is very exhausting to me, I want to be social and message people back and whatnot but I eventually disappear again because it seems like it gets overwhelming at some point.

I do believe some people are like this naturally to an extent but I don’t think it’s a very healthy relationship with...relationships lol I don’t know where to start but just try to work on it in ways that are comfortable for you, but if you want to overcome this dilemma you will have to be uncomfortable sometimes and go out of your comfort zone ❤️

Maybe it’s best to just be honest to your friend about how you want this relationship to be like, maybe this person will be totally fine with you going in and out of the friendship until you work on it and eventually fix it (: