Hi everyone! I am new, never done something like this before but I heard good things. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Anxiety mainly. I have a habit of getting into relationships and friendships where I get bullied because I never learned how to stand up for myself. I would always get so anxious about hurting the other person, so in turn I wouldn't say when they hurt me. Caused a lot of distress and battling in my brain for years. Recently, I have been trying to choose myself. And it seems like this is just perpetuating my anxiety even more. This is a story (sorry it is kind of long) that I have been living in and don't know how to get out of it:
I had a roommate for 3 years. We were attached at the hip. People considered us to be the best of friends. In the beginning, I believed it too. This friend became very manipulative though. For years, they let me know that everyone adores them and if I were to leave them or do them wrong, they would make everyone hate me. They didn't use those words exactly, but years of subtle comments and lies led me to believe this. Every time I tried to make a new friend, they would start to become close to that friend immediately. Eventually, the two would become friends and I wouldn't talk to them anymore. When I would make a friend, they would claim that that friend was "mean to them" when they were not. When I joined clubs to find new people that they weren't connected to, they would join. I remember finally I got a job where they were not involved and I was frantic to make close friends to have an outlet. I became very isolated and it made my depression and anxiety even worse because they know I have dealt with people-pleasing issues and a deep fear of people hating me. And to make sure people wouldn't hate me, I never did them wrong or stood up for myself. I appeased everything and was walking on egg-shells every. single.day. Every decision I ever made for years, I considered what their response would be or how it would affect them. it was debilitating.
I finally made close friendships at one point. And realized that I had been experiencing a friendship that was deeply painful for me. I started therapy because of it, I have a journal full of stories, and they have not left my mind for years. It is almost like I still hear their voice in my head.
Once I made true friendships, I realized that I could not be roommates with them for another year. Having to tell them that haunted me. I was so scared of their reaction. So incredibly scared. In the past, I had seen them blow up when things weren't in their control, I was "playfully" slapped in the face when we were drunk, and I had been very manipulated for years prior, so I was just scared of what would happen. And I was especially scared of everyone hating me.
I told them, it was rough for a bit, but it was just sadness. And then passive aggressiveness for the next year. I understand it is hard when you are told you don't want to live with someone, but I felt that I was valid. The issue with me, though, is that I did not tell them the reason why I didn't want to live with them because I was scared of hurting their feelings. I never once stood up for myself. This was the first boundary I set, and they had a history of not respecting boundaries. So once again, I let fear get in the way.
Over the next year, our friendship got better. I would catch myself saying phrases like "they are good today! We have been good lately!" And my self-esteem began to build after working on myself and getting more comfortable in my skin.
When I was at the peak of my self-esteem years later, I had just done something big to push myself out of my comfort zone and got a lot of recognition for it. At first, they were happy for me, but then when they realized that I was at my best, the same traumatizing patterns from years prior spurred again. While the actions seemed harmless, such as intercepting a friendship, minimizing what I had done, or telling me they would be "envious" of me if I continued, these actions (many more) caused a breakdown within me. One that I had never experienced before. My mind went crazy, my anxiety was at an all-time high, I would have panic attacks at work. I started to not feel safe and convinced myself they would hurt me. Fear and panic had completely taken over my body. My final straw was when they began telling one of my close friends that I was purposefully leaving them out when I had invited them to everything I had ever gone to. The lies started again, and I just couldn't deal with it. I left and went home early from school. A family member had to come to pick me up because of my emotional state. And I didn't tell them why I was leaving. Or why I was upset. I just left.
They had reached out a few times when I was home, I gave simple responses because I still didn't know how to go about it. When I returned to school, I began ghosting them because I tend to do that when I am afraid and don't want to hurt people's feelings (not good, I am working on it). I received a big text from them, sent to me and mutual friends. I texted them individually saying that I could no longer be friends with them because they had done things in the past that had caused an unhealthy friendship and I was trying to protect my peace. My friend received a text saying how cruel it was to do this and that they had never been so sad and betrayed in their life.
I thought I made the right decision. I was trying to finally choose myself. That is what it felt like for the first month of being free from them. I was happy. Light. But then, they showed up at my work. They got a job at the same place I work. And I went right back into the panic state.
I haven't been the same since. I have gone on long enough, but where I am right now is---they all of a sudden have a huge support system. They make media posts showing how well they are doing. Everyone in my community seems to adore them. And I think to myself, "am I wrong? If everyone loves them, am I crazy? Did I imagine all of this?" I am so scared to see them again, or to go outside because everyone. hates. me. My worst fear had come true. I had heard that I am called the "bad side." So many people think I am a rotten human being for cutting them off with no explanation. And my close friends also cut this person off because they had their own experiences. So from the outside, it really does look like we are cruel people. And I do regret not telling them what they did, it did seem out of the blue. And I do feel deeply sorry. I even reached out to tell them what happened. I was just scared of a lot of things in the moment and didn't know what else to do. But the narrative the world is hearing is that I am a terrible, terrible person. I never told anyone about the relationship we had, besides my close friends and family. I didn't want to paint them in a bad light because at the end of the day, we are all human. And hurting people pains me. Which is why I am hurting so much right now. I do feel terrible about how sad they must have been, but I wish I received that same empathy and consideration.
This may seem like not a big issue, but is has been debilitating. I feel so lonely. I keep thinking I am a bad person and that maybe I am seeing the whole thing wrong. I have not been myself in months. I am scared to go outside. I don't know what to do. I started medication and positive self-talk, but my anxiety is sometimes so overpowering. If anyone has had a similar experience, I would love to hear. Also if you are reading this, thank you for getting to the end, I appreciate it, I know this was so long!
Toxic Family
Friendship
Grief-end of a friendship 
Undeserving of friendship 
