So I posted on here for the first time last night and decided I shouldn't have. I was having a horrible day, hadn't slept well in over a week and was operating on 3.5 hours of sleep. I received a response and if that user sees this version I appreciate the thought but it was a lot more aggressive of an approach than I think my life would actually allow. A lot of details were left out so here we go. How I got to where I am today.... Warning, this will probably be long.
I suffer from major depression, generalized anxiety disorder and was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. The first time I remember wanting to kill myself I was about 12. I finally admitted I needed help closer to 15-16. I'm almost 34 now and have been on antidepressants for what is now the majority of my life. There's a lot I could talk about through high school and college but I'm as okay with all of that as I'm probably going to be so why bother when there’s something else I’d rather talk about...
Roughly 12 years ago I met my ex-wife online. We're about ready file for dissolution (which is basically mutual uncontested divorce) in the immediate future and things haven't been easy for me lately. Sometimes I still miss the person she used to be when I met her. She had some setbacks in life and wasn't perfect but she was funny, driven, intelligent, and just an amazing communicator. We had met online in a complete fluke before online dating really took off and would talk for hours everyday. First through AIM, then on the phone, then a combination of AIM, text, phone, Xbox Live, and every other medium that was practical at the time. Both of our recent ex's had messed us up pretty badly but I loved this woman more than I thought possible at the time.
She was pregnant when we got married and that was fine. We were in the process of moving in together when we learned our unborn son was going to have health problems. It was impossible to say how bad they'd be but best case scenario he would have problems moving, speaking or both, worst case scenario he would die within minutes or hours of being born. The MRI was unreliable because fetuses move with all the loud noise they make, but there were serious definitely serious problems because they'd already been able to tell something from ultrasounds.
Thankfully our son survived. He just turned 10 but is sadly still at the physical and verbal limitations of an infant and always will be. He is the sweetest little thing though and loves to cuddle. His laugh and smile light a room and you can tell he just wants to be loved on.
But after our son was born my ex changed. It was understandably a horrific time in our lives and I wouldn't have expected her to come out entirely unchanged but things were worse than I thought possible. It started with a combination of postpartum depression and stress but it never really went away. We had moved in with her mother for fear of not being able to afford the apartment we had already placed a deposit on. I fought to live with my parents who are much nicer people (and I'm seriously not just saying that because I'm biased.) but lost because they were moving two hours away and my ex refused to leave the area around a top national children's hospital. Childcare for a special needs child is expensive, especially one who has seizures and we couldn't afford to both work and I wasn't making enough at the time to support us on our own. The idea was floated that I'd work, maybe go to grad school and see what kind of work I'd find at the time, then my ex would go back to school and hopefully we'd be in a good place before my ex mother-in-law either retired or became too sick to help watch the kids.
Anyways, so my ex was pushing me away. I tried to stay strong and always let her know I loved her and was there for her if she needed me. I tried to do everything her and her mother asked but it was never enough for either of them. I was lazy and selfish and only wanted to play video games. I frequently thought about leaving at the time but I had no idea how to do so. We lived paycheck-to-paycheck and even if I won custody of my son the only way I could take him with me was if I imposed upon my parents who were already in the process of taking in my youngest sister, her children, her stepchild and her husband who was maybe two steps above complete deadbeat at the time. My only other option if I somehow won custody was to find a home for him to stay in either permanently or while I worked and I wasn't okay with that.
Three years later she decided she wanted another child. My son's pregnancy and problems had ruined the idea of having more children for me but for the first time in years she was offering regular affection and I took advantage of it while I could. It was a good few weeks but she got pregnant almost immediately. The time in the hospital when my daughter was born was the last time I remember being truly happy in my relationship. I had been an anxious wreck during the pregnancy and even after my daughter was born I still kept waiting to find out something was wrong with her.
I had begun to experience panic attacks regularly and it was around this time I felt so pressured to succeed in a career and enrolled in law school. I hated it from the very beginning but every time I tried to drop out I was made to feel so guilty for failing my son I'd end up staying. I had to find a part-time program as I worked around 50 hours a week in a restaurant at the time but at least my ex changed. She no longer actively pushed me away she just treated me with complete indifference. Her idea of "spending time with me" was after her mother went to sleep she would demand I come upstairs from the basement where I regularly hid from her mother's ever growing nastiness for a couple hours a day and that was fine. I would feed our son and care for our children until I put them to bed. Then I would sit on the couch and wait... and wait...
She would sit in the recliner staring at her phone or her laptop. She'd control the tv and ignore everything I said. If I pointed out that she could sit with me there was a good chance she'd get mad. Apparently it was my fault. I'd been so miserable for so long she couldn't bear to be around me. Occasionally we would get into such a horrific fight that she would agree to try for a while but it never made it more than a week before she was back to ignoring me. Again this was my fault because my depression never got any better. I'm sorry that I worked a job I despised, went to a school I hated, was forced to do chores constantly at home knowing that her and her mother would sit around on their asses all day while I worked.
I had given her constant chances over the years to prove me wrong but I had known for years our relationship was doomed. She would get mad if I ever told her so but I stayed for the kids. It's so damned cliched but I did. I stayed because I couldn't imagine going a day without seeing them. They are literally the only reason I haven't killed myself hundreds of times by now.
I made efforts to change and get better. I've tried almost every antidepressant that exists. I've tried anti-anxiety medications, therapy, partial hospitalization programs, holistic approaches, and anything that didn't feel like complete garbage. I was fired from the restaurant after being targeted for not wanting to stay in a restaurant my entire life. I could go into detail about how I know this was the case but it's irrelevant to the overall story. I found a job in a warehouse and finished law school.
I truly don't know how I graduated. I couldn't focus and there are still so many times I still can't focus 3 years later. I never took the Bar because how the hell was I supposed to study? I couldn't focus and was forced to work or stay busy every day of my life for years and even during law school studying didn't seem to count to the two women I lived with. I also was pretty sure I didn't want to be a lawyer anymore which just made studying and paying literally thousands of dollars preparing for a test I dreaded taking feel insurmountable.
Since graduating I have tried to find work in all of the alternative fields law school admissions people swear a law degree is great for. HR, compliance, regulatory affairs, contract negotiator, and anything to do with insurance are just a small number of what they tell you you can do with a law degree. Yet I'm still in the same damned warehouse I worked at when I graduated. Not only that but I switched shifts to get more overtime just to shut my ex up about money. I looked right at her and told her last year when the position opened up that if I took it we'd have more money but it would destroy the sham of a relationship we had left.
So she spouted more of her lies. Everything would be fine. We'd actually see each other more because I'd work set hours and we could plan around it. I wouldn't be working whatever shift was offering overtime every week just to claw our way out of debt. Keeping in mind that she was in nursing school and already hadn't spent any noticeable amount of time with me since starting it I said fine, rolled my eyes and took the opening to shut her up.
So I’ve reached the point in the year where this shift works 7 days a week for weeks at a time. I’m averaging 65+ hours a week and it’s just making things miserable again.
But before I complain about that in any other way we separated maybe 2 months ago now. I started out optimistic. I was going to find a new job that would allow me to see my kids, find someone to talk to and maybe fill the void where all forms of physical intimacy from holding hands onward had formed in my life over the last 10+ years.
Maybe it’s because I’m old fashioned when it comes to dating and sex but let me just say I absolutely despise online dating. I could make a whole other post about the crap I’ve read, rejection, and just freaking strange conversations I’ve had all while having exactly zero results at finding someone I can connect with in any way that doesn’t come off as a bit too insane to deal with. I could complain about my ex's success but I encouraged her to put herself out there but I do feel like it proves how little she cared all these years if she can put so much effort into meeting strangers and so little into making it work.
For years I’ve felt like this city is making it clear it doesn’t want me. I’ve been looking for jobs on and off for most of the last 10 years as time, depression and everything allows and I have had no luck at all save the restaurant and this stupid warehouse. I’ve been unable to take risks on lower paying jobs in the hopes they’d lead to better jobs in the future because of money and I’m so sick of hearing my evil racist ex-mother-in-laws f-ing mouth.
I was so damned glad when Meghan Markle and Prince Harry finally got married so I wouldn’t have to hear about how “doesn’t the queen realize they could have a black baby?” Anymore....
I won't miss my ex at all. At least not the woman she is now. I would love to move out immediately but I'd rather my ex get to the point where her mother isn't around the children more than absolutely necessary as well and that means graduating nursing school or moving in with another guy which I really wouldn't be comfortable with happening so fast and concerning my children.
I've been trying a new perspective and it seemed to be working. It occurred to me that I have done a lot of impressive things and faced a lot of challenges but I can only seem to feel good about them if someone else is telling me that they're impressive. I spent the first couple of days this week feeling better about myself than I have in years. Sadly it doesn't seem to be a match for sleep deprivation.
I feel like I need to leave for a while. Get away from this city and its' problems even for like a year or two. I have no family left here but I have family in three different cities in Kentucky and being closer to one makes me hours closer to the others. At least one of those seems to have a lot of higher paying jobs open right now, maybe even something closer to what I'd been looking for the last several years.
I feel like it could be a good move for me but how do I leave my kids? How do I make a move that feels so selfish but makes it so hard to see them? How do I manage to be the kind of father I always wanted to be from over 2 hours away? I'm hoping I can get some sleep and maybe turn things around in some way but I haven't slept well in over a week. I finally got some sleep last night but I'm still groggy and depressed and can't seem to shake it.
If you're somehow still reading all of this thank you. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I know it's very unlikely that anyone has been through my exact life experience but it would be great just to have someone who when I spoke to them I felt like they actually understood and cared. I have a friend I can talk to here and there but she moved away years ago and I don't want to constantly complain to her. I tried with my family and it kept getting back to my ex somehow so I'm not comfortable talking to any of them. They've spoke with my ex more than me over the last 10 years anyway so I'm not sure why that's a surprise....
I guess I should end this before I ramble anymore.... again... if anyone made it this far thank you...
Well you're definitely a strong person having dealt with so many bad times, your kids are definitely the strongest motivation for you to keep going. Maybe you should take a week and go see a family member far away just take a break from everything it might do you some good, and if you're looking for people to listen this is the perfect site, we're great listeners here
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Thank you for saying that I just wish I felt as strong. I just feel exhausted. I don’t know if I can take off a whole week but was thinking about taking 2 days off and hope I don’t work that weekend and staying with my parents. Thank you for listening 🙂
Hi faulhallen, I made it right to the end and read every word. I think if others take the time to read your journey, you will have a lot of people to talk with. You've had a lot going on in your life over the years. You have made some decisions and now have come to a crossroads in knowing what direction to take.
Life doesn't always turn out as we imagined but hopefully we eventually find ourselves again. I smiled when I read about your accomplishments and you should be impressed with yourself. We don't need others to tell us how great we are. We need to believe it about our self. The confidence and self esteem need to come from within as the basis of a strong character that no one or nothing could topple.
I somehow feel you will make the right decision regarding your children and a higher paying job which in the long run could provide you more flexibility in seeing your children.
Two hours is not that terribly far away but you will have to make that decision for yourself.
I wish you the best. You're a strong person and you're going to make it.
Thank you so much. I truly hope I make the right choice
Hi faulhellen!
Hmmm...wow! Not sure what to say! I disagree with the notion of going away for a year or 2. A geographical cure is only going to compound your problems. It doesn’t work anyway! I would try to relax and live in today...the moment if necessary! Don’t overcrowd your mind with yesterday or tomorrow, but of today only. Don’t take yourself too seriously either. You’re doing a great job, but lighten up a little, think positively and look for the positive aspects of every situation, live in today, distract yourself when you can’t divert negative thoughts, and remind yourself of the saying, “Live and let live.” You’re going to be fine! Wishing you the best 🌺
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Thank you. I feel like I’d do a better job of distracting myself if I worked less. I really hope I find something soon even if it’s just a way to distract me at work a bit better.
Hey there, wow... What a life story you've been through. Yes, I read the entire thing. I wish I could say that I related to you on all levels, but I cannot. I've never been married & the one time I was pregnant, I lost the baby at the hands of the father.... I can tell that you've been through a lot with your relationship & have tried to do anything possible at making your relationship work. I'm sorry that it doesn't appear to be working out. I wish I had more advice to give you on what you should do... but I don't. I understand wanting to move away & start fresh. That's what I plan on doing soon myself. I'm a nurse & this town isn't big enough for both me & my ex with all of the things that happened with us. The good news is this place is an amazing place to receive support & friendship. I am here for you whenever you need me. Don't be afraid to send me a message. I hope that things get better for you. You deserve to be happy. Stay strong. xo
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Thank you. I wish I had something better to say to everyone for their kind words and encouragement. I honestly didn’t believe so many people would read it. At least not as fast as they did anyway. I’m truly sorry to hear about the awful things that happened to you. I’ll probably take you up on your offer when I have time but I need to get back to work. In the meantime if you feel like you need to talk to someone feel free to message me and I’m sorry if the response is a little slow. I promise I’ll get back to you 🙂
Hi I read through your post as well. You are going through some tough stuff for a while. You’re a good dad for wanting to be near your children and take care of them. You’ve sacrificed a lot and hung in there for a long time.
First off, you need to get some sleep and relax. Just like Callmedanielle said can you get away for a week to visit relatives?
Are you still living with the in-laws? I ask cuz I’d hate that they’d accuse you of abandoning your children if you did go away for a week.
About your career, I’ve had numerous jobs and that’s a story in its self but you can find jobs at insurance companies, banks, hospitals or even as a politician. I’d call an employment agency and ask their advice on career options or call your law school and see if they have suggestions as well. That way you could still live in the city close to your kids.
It stinks to work in jobs you don’t like but you can change your career now. You’re a young guy, you have so much life a head of you. I have a 37 yr old son who just went through a nasty divorce and is doing the online dating thing.
He’s not doing too bad. You get some good and some bad but he’s not going to give up.
You’re a smart loving father and you deserve to be happy. Get some sleep first. Find the career you want and then date. Don’t do them all at once because that could add to your stress.
Best of luck and I hope you resolve what is going on in your life. 🌸🌸🌸😁😁
Thank you so much for your kind words. Doing one at a time is what I’ve been trying to tell myself to do I’ve just felt so alone for so long. I think this app will help with that though. I’ll have to try your suggestion about calling an employment agency. I’ve applied through them before but never called and talked.
You deserve kind words. Some men would have run away so you are a good person to deal with all of that. And try an Executive head hunter and sell yourself to them. I had a temp job for three months and I went to the VP with a list of reasons why they needed to hire me. And they hired me. I needed benefits. 😁
You got this and you can take control of your life!!
I have read the whole story and to be honest cried a few times.
You are strong and wonderful man, fighting all your life to save your marriage and to be near your children and be a good father.
I think you should do at this point what is best for you and your mental health. And don’t hesitate to move a few hours away and if you get a better job there, it would be also good for your children in a long run. And if you now save yourself in any and every way possible, this is also would be for your children.
Thank you 🙂. I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m not perfect but I’ve always tried to do what I can for my kids and I tell myself I always will no matter where we all may end up and that if I found a better job it may be better in the long run. It just feels like it would be easier to be there if I was closer and like I wouldn’t miss quite as much if I didn’t have to move.
Yes i agree, but as you know most of the times we can not make all be as we wish. We play with what we dealt with. Wish you the best possible solution, I will thinking and praying for you.
Thank you but I never meant to make anyone’s problems seem insignificant. Everyone’s problems are unique to them and not everyone handles things the same way. Everyone here has been so amazing though and I appreciate it all so much. Thank you again 😊
Aloha! Can’t say I had same story but very similar. I met my ex husband through online dating. He was the best when we first met. But then the truth and reality set in.. he constantly paid video games from sun up to sun down. Had a regular job and he had 2 kids who he wanted me to help parent but he felt I was too harsh and picked on his daughter etc. he would go over my head on what I did etc. anyways it crushed me. I turned into an anxiety ball who constantly had panic attacks. We divorced and I left and even moved far away Florida to Hawaii! My anxiety went away for a good while but came back again. I get health anxiety so I panic over the way my body feels. I get brain fog and confusion I won’t take meds. So I understand your pain and frustration. If you ever need to talk I’m here! Private message me!
Thank you I may take you up on your offer. If you need to talk I’m here as well but I may be slow to respond depending on when you do so. I’m sorry to hear that he undermined you and seems to have ignored you. I did play video games and at points in my life I have played them to what is probably an unhealthy degree but the reason I always liked video games was similar to why I liked a great book. If I could get into it it felt like my mind would finally shut off for a bit and I could relax but there is definitely a point where there’s too many video games in your life and if that’s how he spent his entire day off when he had children that wasn’t fair to you or his children. I’ve reached this point in my life where part of it is how much I work but anymore if I play video games it’s almost always with my daughter. I try to use them to encourage her to read or move around using the Wii or the Kinect because she always seemed reluctant to read when she first started learning her alphabet and she likes the motion controls. I’m sorry I feel like I rambled too much. Thank you and I hope your anxiety improves soon 😊
I read your entire post and I’m just so gutted for you. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through.
It seems to me that nothing you ever do, will please your wife or her mother. You’ve been manipulated your entire married life by your wife and her mother - it’s terrible. Whatever has happened to your wife since the birth of your first child, has changed her beyond recognition and nothing you can do will bring her back. She should be taking some responsibility for her own mental health and seeking help.
You’ve done all the right things - you’ve never given up on your wife or yourself and continue to try and do your very best for your wife and kids. But, I feel you can still provide for your children and do the best for them, from a distance.
You’re living in a toxic environment and you’ll never move on from it, unless you escape. Children are a lot more resilient and forgiving than we give them credit for, so if you handle it gently with them and keep up contact, I’m sure they will cope. Your wife and mother-in-law are not going to be happy until they’ve reduced you to nothing.
You have so much more to give and deserve better. A different, better job will do wonders for your sense of self-worth and that will in turn, help you to feel generally better. You’re not abandoning your children by moving away....if you stay, I’m pretty certain you’ll break down completely.
The more people I respond to the less I feel like just saying thank you is enough but thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me. I am getting away, maybe not as fast as I would like but especially with the support I’ve found here I really feel like things can turn around and it’s really helpful to hear reassurances that my children will understand and forgive me.🙂
Thank you so much and I’m sorry for the bit of a delay in responding to everyone. Everyone on this site has been so amazingly helpful and as busy as I am if you ever need to talk you can message me as well. 🙂
Thank you for your insight. I’ve never been great at self care. I’ve tried counseling but didn’t match well with the counselor I had tried at the time. I would like to try again but my life may need to calm down a little more first, or at least I need to get to a point where it would be easier to schedule. I did respond well to a partially hospitalized program a few years ago so I know counseling would help on some level. I have some insight into why I am the way I am but I don’t know how to overcome it. My dad suffered from depression, my mother had anxiety and I was the third of 5 kids, all of whom were straight A students and played sports. I always seemed to get lost in the shuffle of things and feel like nobody cared if I was around so I grew into needing someone’s approval. I may be completely off base but I’ll definitely consider what you said when making decisions because I think you’re right because it’s so hard for me to consider myself when I do.
I’m definitely trying to do number 3. Number 2 will take a lot of work but thank you again 😃
Read your whole post!! What a story you have to tell! I find it sooo good for me to journal. By putting my though and feelings on paper it seems to help me feel better and I can look back on where I have been! Try praying!! Jesus is there to help us all. Keep in touch!!
Wow...Just read every word. I can relate in so many ways but unfortunately, I am not the best person to give advice right now because I am in a similar situation but WITHOUT CHILDREN, NOT BY CHOICE, with other factors, I would rather not discuss right now, so I can only tell you what I have PERSONALLY gone through so far and PERSONALLY been learning. You are a very strong person and I understand that it’s hard to see that right now because I don’t in my situation either. I only hear it from other people and when they talk, honestly, in my mind, I think they’re talking about someone else because what they’re saying, couldn’t possibly be about me! I am learning that my Senior quote at 17 holds true at 43...”IT’S HARD TO SEE THE PICTURE WHEN YOUR INSIDE THE FRAME”
I had to start my life over in another state, as planned with my VERY RECENT EX HUSBAND by myself because it was still the best decision for me and it wasn’t because of a specific job but because I knew I NEEDED it to make it through so I understand that you are struggling with the thought of moving, and it might not be the right decision for YOU, maybe going out to visit where you “might” move first, which I recommend, would be the first step. You’ll know when you get there if it’s time. I think. Again. This is ALL new for me but I believe in signs and the fact that if we keep our eyes open, some answers are right in front of us, we have just been too worried about past and future to realize the present! This is something I struggle with everyday! I hope this helped some. Please feel free to reach out. I don’t post much but I read a lot of what other people write. You’re not alone even though it feels like it. I wish I could say that with COMPLETE CONFIDENCE right now but, again, I am just learning one day at a time too. All I can tell you is what I tell myself...YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE BECAUSE NOTHING IN LIFE THAT IS ACTUALLY WORTH IT, COMES EASY...Seems you, of all people, should be able to understand that. Erin
Thank you Erin. The city I’m leaning towards moving to if I do is a city I’ve been to here and there over the years. My oldest brother has lived there since he got married because his wife is from there. I’ve also been to a major concert there with a different ex girlfriend and I met a lot of people from there in college but I’d be lying if I said I’d been there recently.
Being honest and in a bit better place from all of the support I’ve received, I think I can safely say that there’s a few reasons I want to move but the biggest ones are definitely being closer to my brothers and sisters (I’m the third of five children) and my parents. I grew up in Kentucky but have lived in the area all of my life and I’ve never really wanted to. I told myself when I was younger I’d grow up and move... SOMEWHERE. I don’t know that I ever cared I just hated the county where I grew up. This mixed with feeling trapped in my marriage, Jobs I hate, school and this city in general have just compounded everything and I feel like I have to get as far away as possible but I can’t because of my kids. The job reason is less about a particular job and more about how little luck I’ve had looking for a job here. I did a basic job search for several nearby cities and the one I’m looking at turned up the most results claiming to pay minimum I would like to make. It might actually be a bit less than I make now but hopefully wouldn’t require nearly as many hours (I’m currently on day 16 in a row at work and it’s looking like that trend won’t change this month). I know it may not fix or change anything but I’m open to it and seeing what’s out there for now.
Thank you though and hopefully you’re right about not being able to see it because I’m inside the frame. I’m sorry to hear you had to start your life over and I hope things are getting better for you 😃. If you ever need to talk I don’t seem to get notified by messages but I’m trying to be better about checking for them.
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Am I in the wrong? Trigger warning
I need to move on but I don't know how 
Have I got a right to be angry?
Here I am on the couch again...
How long do you give a new therapist? 
