The end

So I woke up this morning, hating that I woke up. I’m so close to finishing the something I’ve worked for 7 months on (school) and I’m not in the right frame of mind to want to be there. I can’t find happiness anywhere. Nothing has made me feel better, whether it be talking about it, getting out of the house, working out. I just don’t get life.

This is something I’ve dealt with from childhood and throughout my adulthood. Thoughts of suicide, jealousy, anger, bitterness, but it’s worse now more than ever. I literally have nothing to be proud of.

I understand that there’s no correct answer to “what’s the purpose of life”. No one knows it, it’s found. There’s also the “give me a reason to live”.

There’s always the “take it one day at a time approach.”

I don’t know what to do at this point. Therapy helped somewhat, but I can’t afford it. Medication has gotten my body dependent on it and I can barely afford it either. Since my childhood, I’ve missed out on so many opportunities in life. I still do to this day. My anxiety and depression are at an all time high, where I feel like there’s no point anymore. There’s no passion or desire. I’ve tried positive thinking, positive affirmations, none of them work for me.

Like I said, I don’t know what to do at this point. I hope I’ve refrained from using foul language and I apologize for the “rant”... I honestly can’t remember everything I just typed. I just know the the Suicide hotline really does nothing for me either.

[fauxartist]

hey buddie...sounds like your hitting the wall again....I'm sorry....and I am hearing that it sounds like your kind of looking at all the bad stuff and not seeing any hope, I understand that....many of us go there with this disease....but I'm glad your here sharing about it. I hear what your saying about heath care costs, and your not happy with the kind of meds you have had, and can't afford them.

One thing about balling everything all up together like the; 'Thoughts of suicide, jealousy, anger, bitterness'....is that there is a lot of regret in those feelings, and also feelings of hopelessness and many think suicide is the easy answer because they don't see any light to this ending, but it's not.

The first thing I had to get a grip on in trying to get better was regret....because that fed my anger. Along with that....I had to find out what the root of that anger was. It was because I felt helpless as a kid and had no control over what happened to me. Now I do, I can choose how I react, and I can surround myself with things that make me feel safe.

Having a job that pays well enough to live on is hard to come by....and self sabotage is not the answer to making these already existing issues go away or get better...it makes them worse. We all are here for you, how is school...did you finish....are you still working on your two projects, have you talked to your instructor about what's going on so maybe they can work with you....is there any counselling available through the school your in.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Listen please to faux...they are very intelligent & have their act together. I agree with them 100% , always nail it right on the head! I'm here for you , wishing you peace of mind. love & hugs!!!

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

you are an lovely person who always has very kind words for so many people who have posted here....and that alone...means the world to those of us, myself included, to have someone who just cares enough to be kind, thanks pal.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

You know it's my pleasure! I am what I am!!! Love & Hugs!!!

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

that you is my sista....and good egg.....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I live by the old saying...do unto others as you would have done unto you...it's actually easy for me to do!!! Peace & Love Faux!

[Imakook]

Hi, MetalMario!

I think I know how you're feeling. Thanks for putting it in words! I keep waiting & hoping that stuff is gonna get better, that I finally feel better, that I cheer the hell up!

I really believed that meds, therapy, time would "cure" me. Well, I"m finding out that I have to make a huge effort to change my habits, etc. because I want to change. I want to be the person I think I'm capable of becoming.

If you were (as most of us seem to be) raised in a dysfunctional home...i.e. by dysfunctional parents, there is a free program called ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. They did change the criteria early on to include dysfunction in broader terms. You don't necessarily have to be alcoholic to be dysfunctional. I know that my parents did the best they knew I, but they were pretty clueless.

So, this program goes deep, but you find relief & you know you're not alone. They work steps, just like AA. It's just that it doesn't matter if you drink or not, unless you have a drinking problem. If that's the case, there's AA.

I've decided to wait to go to the meetings at the request of my psychiatrist because I've got lots on my plate. I get it & she's right. But I still got the books & read up on it. It's so fascinating...I had so many AHA!!! moments! They describe me to a T. So many things now make sense that I used to do & how I lived.

So, I want to change, but I gotta do the footwork, stay out of my head & off the pity pot and, most of all, be patient & tolerant with myself and others. For example: step out of my head & negativity in an effort to help someone. Helping a person struggling on this forum is beneficial (for you, even if that person doesn't take your advice) & good place to start.

Thank you for posting, MetalMario......and faux & anxiety, the insight that you both contribute is amazing! When you post things like "I felt helpless as a kid" and "had no control of what happened". It's those type of comments that give me AHA! moments!!!

Always & 4Ever!

Colleen