Worthless and Helpless. Nobody will care if you die. Life go on

I always wonder. What did I do to deserve this?

I celebrated my birthday last week. No many how many time a try I just don't desire to be happy because I know that it will get taken away from me. I always been the Big Brother, Protector, Caring Person, Gentlemen, respect women, and much more. But when I look in the mirror I see nothing but a worthless human being that ruins everything I touch.

I sit and cry because I don't have anything. I tried of trying and trying every day and not getting no result. I'm not worthy of being alive and not worth of nothing. I want to have a career, make a lot of money, move to Los Angeles, fell in love, get marry and have a family, much more.

But for reason it like I don't desire that life. People I know told me that I don't deserve to live, please go away, your worthless, people like you ruin everything we work for, so worthless and the list go on.

I feel nothing but pain. It feels like falling into the abyss and never getting out. I get this nightmare that I am deading and I'm afraid that one day it will come true.

I guess for me is to just die and I'm tired of trying.

[AZ1970]

Zeld, you are a valuable human being. From how you describe yourself, you are also a kind and caring person. The world needs you. I am sorry you have endured people telling you such horrific things. They don't count. Their words don't count. Just because they uttered them, does not make them true. You are taking the anger you feel about those people and turning it in on yourself. Use that anger to fight back. Yell at them and tell them to go to wherever you would like them to go.

Your depression is lying to you. You deserve to live. Please reach out for help. Call a crisis line, go to the emergency room, tell a caring friend or family member. You need assistance from people who can help you. We are all here for your and we care!

[Hidden in reply to AZ1970]

I don't know.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

What have you got to lose? That is a great reply from AZ. It is the depression thoughts telling you this and they aren't to be trusted. We are telling you the truth. We also hear and validate your feelings. x

[RainneLim]

Hi,

Just posting here shows how much of a strong person you are. Those thoughts and feelings we have hurt us, and it isn't us doing that. It's the depression. It is a symptom. It is not you.

You are Big Brother, Protector, Caring Person, Gentlemen, respect women, and much more. Though you don't see it in the mirror, I already see it by your post.

People who say mean things about others are only talking about themselves; they are looking to blame someone else so they can feel better. You are not what they say. You are an amazing person, and I don't know how, but I can feel it through your post. The amount of emotions that come out shows you are a caring person.

And I get it. I had a depression episode last week Thursday. I was screaming against my pillow wishing I could disappear, remembering those words from others that I was incompetent, that I was annoying and ugly. Heck, I still remember hearing one of my bully's voice, her telling me I should shut up cause my voice itself is annoying. And she said it in front of my friends and teachers. I laughed, but I was hurt. And it left a scar. I am so afraid to speak up all the time because of that.

We cannot do anything about what people say, but we can keep taking one step, even if it is a little, even if it is posting one thing here, asking kind people for help and kindness. You really are not alone. And I hope I can help in any way.

[Hidden in reply to RainneLim]

I don't know. You have some good point

[RainneLim in reply to Hidden]

It's also okay to feel like you don't know, feeling confused and frustrated cause that is a sign that you are human and trying you best to step forward. These emotions are just another stepping stone we have to overcome.

Yes. I do feel like sometimes I step one forward and two backwards. But it's getting us to move. Life isn't like moving forwards or backwards, it's moving where we want to, like kind of going on an adventure, we turn back cause we get lost, only to find ourselves learning from where we were and getting better.

Hope this helps.

[MinaNostalgia]

Your life has value. Sometimes it's hard to see the results of the work we put it, but it's there. You enrich the lives of people around you even if they don't know how to show their appreciation and at work, sometimes the reason why the results don't come is because we are working towards the wrong things. I don't know you, but I believe you are an amazing person. I can already tell that you are a fighter because you are here making an effort to get to a better place, so you will.

[gogogirl]

What kind of people do you know? Have you asked why they would say this? You DO deserve to live, and you've already said positives about yourself. I hope you start believing them, and start associating with people who see the real , good person you are. Listen, I am old and have experienced some regrets, and I fight these, but I also know they are not the sum total of who I am.

[gogogirl]

Also, why is it so important to make a lot of money and move to LA? What type of career do you want anyway? Perhaps you just need to focus on what you really want, and what is important- for instance is it the money, or is it making connections including a better one to yourself?

[Hidden]

All the replies above are so true Zeld..read over them again..I think you are an amazing person too..all of us speak from experience one way or another so listen to us as you listened to the others you mentioned..who's advice would you believe?..we are here for you as you are for us...keep going..keep trying..it's going to be ok I promise..

[Pagesofwords]

Dear Zeld: You posted this seven months ago. I hope and pray that you are feeling better by now and getting some help for your perspective. Please hang in there! You are a precious person. I struggled with feelings of worthlessness for a lot of years--but I have learned that those thoughts and feelings are LIES. Our depressed mind pushes these lies onto us. We have to fight against these thoughts. A therapist could be of help to you. May God's love surround you and may people who value you step up and show you so. People who put you down are not worth your time or energy. Ignore them. Walk away. Seek out caring people. Be a caring person yourself (as you say that you are). A caring person cares for himself/herself and shares this care with others. Don't neglect yourself. Best wishes to you Zeld. Yours sincerely, Pages of Words