But it'll help get it out. I'm new here, just looking to find someone, even just one person who might understand what I'm going through. I know everyone experiences things differently, but I don't think I have one person left in my life who gets it.
My name is Evan, I am 23, and I have had problems with depression and anxiety, among other things, for as long as I can remember. I don't remember much before I was 12 or 13, and even then its pretty broken. I have hazy memories before then, most confusing and most of them are more memories of feeling rather than events, if that makes sense. I had a rough and abusive childhood, my very earliest memory is my mom beating me and my brother while we tried to hide from her in a closet. I was homeschooled so I didn't have too much social interaction growing up. As I got older, I began to have these feelings, and they were confusing. I attempted suicide for the first time at 13 years old, but luckily the knife I tried slitting my wrists with was too dull. I have contemplated it two other times since, as recently as November, which is when I finally sought out help. I have been seeing a therapist since then, but I feel like I can't do it much longer. I won't go into great detail about me because I don't want to bore you, I just need something and I don't know what, I thought maybe other people who understand might help. I was very close to writing a suicide note on Saturday, but didn't. I feel like I can't fight it off much longer and I don't know what else to do
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Grumpopotamus
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hey there. I'm also struggling with depression and anxiety. My story is very different from yours, but just remember that you are not alone through this. you seem like a very strong individual and I believe in you! I'll be praying for you. feel free to pm me if you need to talk at any time
Thank you very much for the kind words, they mean a lot
Hi!
Well, you can choose to fight those suicidal thoughts and depression! I’m not young like you, but I have been fighting for many years and cannot find a good reason to stop. I too was physically and verbally abused as a child by my Father, who weirdly enough, was my hero. You didn’t deserve those beatings and you’re none of the things that she said you were! Believe in what you know to be the real truth. For me, that kind of childhood brings about a lot of negative self talk that remains a struggle. You can fight it!! Believe in yourself and forget the past as it only produces depression. You have to realistically talk yourself out of it when those feelings begin to rise within you. Are you seeing a Psychiatrist or therapist? I highly recommend it. Call the suicide prevention hotline before you do anything crazy. It is possible to deal with childhood abuse. I’m a living testimony!! You’re worth it!
I'm so sorry to hear he did those things to you, it hurts so much when your father/father figure treats you that way. I'm glad you have fought it this far, that's so amazing to hear! I am seeing a therapist currently, so far its helping a little. Thanks for the kind words
I am so sorry your childhood was that rough....mine too, and a who lot of us here also...so you’re in good company with a lot of people who understand where your coming from. I know that therapy with the wrong therapist does no one any good. I had to try a few different ones to get the right fit. They are people too, and not always the best for us. I am glad you’re sharing here...and want you to know that this feeling of wanting your life to end because of the way your feeling is very common....when we don't see a way out of this depression that has us in this very dark place....
This is not your fault...and your pain is valid....what happened to you was horrific and you should not have to suffer for it. You may have a form of depression though that is a chemical imbalance, and that can be treated reasonably. There is no magic cure, and medication just takes the edge of this feeling off....but it's getting to the root of some of our trauma in life that I feel is the biggest help. I'm glad you’re here sharing about this...please keep sharing, it always made me feel better and not so alone with those dark thoughts.
If you don't mind...I'm going to post some other websites I really liked that deal with feelings of despair and wanting to end how we are feeling .....
Thank you very much for the kind words! I hate knowing that others have had similar experiences, but I am glad I can find people like you all who understand what its like, that can help a lot in our fights. Thank you for the links, I actually used the crisis textline back in November to help me from committing suicide, and they helped me find resources that led to me finding my therapist. They really do work!
Can you think of something that makes you happy? I'm so glad your attempts didn't work, that's not the answer. I know how cruel life can be,,yet you are so young & can live a full enriched life! Stay strong & positive...I'm here for you! Wishing all the best! Love & Peace!!!
Thank you so much! When I feel dark and suicidal, I usually try and find something, no matter how small, that I would miss if I was no longer here. It's not a permanent fix, but it does help. Thanks for the kind words
You are not alone, I feel the same, try to remember tomorrow is another day and you may find some change or brightness there, things do change, please don't give up
I'm sorry you feel the same way, but I'm glad I found this site not only to help myself, but to help others too hopefully. Don't give up either, message me if you ever need to!
First, the name Grumpopotamus is my favorite username on here. Have you ever been on medications? Therapy helps a TON with working through the emotional aspects of mental illness. But for me, a combination of that and medications to battle the actual chemical, physical part, are a better fit. The quest to find meds that are the right fit really sucks, but nothing sucks more than being unmedicated, at least for me. There's absolutely zero shame in using medication to help your brain work in a way that helps you live a more fulfilling life. They can help you feel more like yourself, and while they may not "cure" you, meds can help you feel more like yourself. Proud of you for doing the hard work and digging into your darkest parts with therapy though, keep that up. It helps so much. Everyone's different, but for me, feeling reasonably healthy takes a really specific combination of medication, therapy, sleep, sunlight, exercise, socializing and alone time. You're not alone in this.
Haha thank you! I feel like it describes me well most days! I have been on Zoloft once, for a while but I hated how I felt on it. I don't like my GP and I've been scared to find a new one to prescribe me something new. I'm currently just seeing a therapist once a week, but I feel like I need more. I definitely need to do better about being out and exercising and being more social though. Making that first step is usually the hardest, at least for me. Thank you so much for your kind words
I recommend support groups if you can find one. I go to one for bipolar and depression. There is almost a meeting everyday where I live. They are free and you can share or just listed. People recommend the NAMI website. They are supposed to have resources.
Good. You have nothing to lose by going to one. I was a little nervous at first but felt at home after hearing everyone describing what I was feeling. They are a mixture of age and are about half male and female.
I have the phone numbers of a guy and girl that I can talk to if needed and vice versa. The guy and I are guitar plays and get together to play.
I'm so glad you found this group, both for yourself and for the others that need to hear they're not alone. I truly believe we are put on this earth to help one another through this often difficult life. I'm also glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. Perhaps you should speak with your therapist or Dr about medication. It makes me sad that you would ever consider taking your life. If you're still here it's because you have a greater purpose that you have yet to fulfill. You seem to have a great personality and I too was drawn to your smile and username. Take life one day at a time, get out and meet others, find a hobby, focus on the beauty this world has to offer, try meditation, attend church, find hope, look in the mirror and see your beauty but, whatever you do, please don't make suicide an option. We need you here. I'll be praying for you. Feel free to message me if you'd like.
Thank you so much for the reply! It does make it easier knowing there are others who care, and really before finding this group I've only had maybe 2 or 3 people in my life who genuinely cared about what I was going through, so hearing it from so many people who actually mean it helps a lot. I just have to do better about what you said, finding a hobby and meeting others and all that. I'm trying so hard to get better, I hope that I can, and I think this group will help. Thanks again
You can do it! I’ve always had 1-2 good friends. That’s all I needed. So don’t judge anything on the number of friends you can count. I’ll be praying for and with you.
Hey, I kind of understand what your going through. I didn't have an abusive childhood but I feel like mines was a neglected childhood. I struggle with anxiety and depression and suicidal couple times in my life and I'm only 16. I tried twice to end it. Once at home when I was 13 and the other time in the girls bathroom at school last year. The only thing that kept me from cutting deep enough was my little brother who hates me at time. I stay for him so I can help him from feeling the way I feel. Things that helps me cope is books and taking a walk through the woods. Maybe you could find something like that, it could help. Just know here, you don't have to feel alone. If you need to rant you can on here, people would love to help if they can. Hopefully everything gets better for you.
Thank you for the reply, I'm so sad to hear you've tried to end your life twice at such a young age, but I'm glad you didn't and have kept fighting. I think the main thing that keeps me alive too are my siblings, and my best friend, none of whom know what I'm going through because I don't want to scare them, but I also don't want to hurt them by ending my life. I wish I had woods to walk through, that sounds so soothing and relaxing. I just gotta find something just as good! If you ever want to talk, I am always here to listen as well! Thanks again!
I would think that your siblings would be supportive. They are family. I am close to my sisters but we share the same things (depression and anxiety).
Hi and welcome..I'm so glad your still here..I'm so glad you shared your story..thank you..I hope you get alot out of the replies..most of us understand you and you us..we need each other..you are an amazing guy..you have a heart of gold..you have so much now and ahead of you..you are beautiful and perfect..you are an inspiration to others..you are so strong...you are a fighter..just keep moving forward..we are all in this together..I'm here for you.. just never, ever, give up!..
hey, actually I go to a normal school but my parents are too controlling. they haven't allowed me to go out to play with other kids since the age 0f 5. they stalk my Gmail and hence I had to create another secret one. they recently gave me a insta account and they chat with my friends as if its me ..not to cause any harm but u know and then they bitch abt all my friends who remain true to me even though im locked up at home alone. and they even come home secretly on days just to make sure im alright, and say they aren't good people ,successful people. to them im just some sort of mirror to their value and apparently im tarnishing that and im useless..so its been rough lately. they beat me up and verbally abuse me and ensure that everyday they remind me that im useless and other kids are better than me. and im not even very bad , even if I was the dumbest student there I don't think its okay or fair for anyone to be treated that way.
ive tried ending my life a couple of times but its never worked out.
im always sad or depressed but mask it with a smile..
I suffer with major depressive disorder and have since 2006. I have done cognitive behavior therapy and Psychotherapy. I am a free time suicide attempt Survivor and the last time I attempted it I almost died I was 15 minutes away from death. I was in ICU for a day and a half and they pumped my stomach I have no recollection of any of it. I also suffer from self-esteem issues stemming from the abuses of my childhood. My mother was an alcoholic and I was her Target and she would call me names for no reason and I was psychologically emotionally and verbally abused by her for years. I was physically abused by my father and an ex-fiance and I was sexually assaulted as well. I want you to know that you and I have a few things in common including childhood trauma and abuses and trying to commit suicide three times. Please reach out to me and we may be able to help each other hang in there and I hope to talk to you soon.
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I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling
I don't know where to begin...
Don't know what to do. I can't live like this anymore
I don't know what to do anymore 
