I feel trapped and scared

Ever since I was a little girl I have been neglected by everyone in my life... my biological mom gave me up to multiple families, my biological dad and 2 different brothers molested me and beat me, my step mom was physically and verbally abusive, and my step dad was an alcoholic and lost everything. I have been alone to fight and deal with everything but I don't know how. I'm now in my mid 20s & I feel like all my fears, worries, and pain has come to the surface. I've been cutting and now I don't even feel it anymore... each time it gets worse and deeper and I just feel the such about emptiness in my stomach. I feel like I'm basically dry heaving when I break down bawling because I just have nothing left. I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted... my anxiety is through the roof and I seriously just want to end it all. It feels like a million voices in my head and I feel angry and worthless every single day... idk if it will ever get better. I have so many panic attacks everyday it just feels like that's my life now. Idk what I ever did as a kid to deserve a life so dark and painful

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  • Nothing you ever did as a Child caused you to deserve a life so dark and painful. Its not your fault that you have had to endure all this pain. You are not alone in this fight against anxiety and depression. Have you considered talking to someone about you situation? There are multiple resources out there to help you get through this

  • But now it has caused so many problems in my friendships and relationships with people... I literally push anyone and everyone away so easily and then I just feel alone. I feel like it's all my fault and that I have caused everyone else so much pain... I just want to end it all.

    I have made several phone calls for a therapist but I haven't had any responses </3

  • Omigosh you never did ANYTHING to deserve the life you have. Nothing. It just happened. Why would you think that the life you have you somehow deserved? It doesn't work that way. I can see how you may feel that by your age you should have some responsibility for your own life, but when you look at your entire life growing up and how profoundly you're affected by all of your life's events, you can see that there's no way you can have recovered from the traumas of your earlier life as of today. You are still the walking and very wounded. You need tremendous healing and help in order to grow into a productive and healthy member of society. No one gave you the tools, skills and wherewithal to do so.

    When you want to cut, how about you call one of these numbers instead? You'll get a skilled counselor who knows what you're going through: 1.800.273.8255 and 1.800.784.2433. Talking has got to be better than cutting when you don't even feel it.

    You might want to think about going to a decent mental hospital and admitting yourself. You need help intensively. You need time to heal. But you probably also need some medication and lots of therapy and counseling. Maybe you could think about this and investigate a hospital in your area to see what they have to offer. You may need the rest because you're saying you have nothing left to give...you're exhausted and beat down. Just think about it. Letting others make decisions about your care and you getting rest and also intensive care.

    I'll be here for you if you want to write back. I just can't be here during the daytime tomorrow but i can catch up tomorrow night. Please take care.

  • I feel like no matter what I do to make my life better I'm just dead on the inside. I should be happy - I have an amazing boyfriend, a stable job, and a new start but everything is haunting me and doesn't let me get a break. I literally just had another break down where nothing makes sense but I'm screaming and crying and wanting to cut again or punch something. I say hurtful things that I don't mean and I feel disgusted with myself.

    I cut because it relieves me in a sense.. I'm addicted now. But it's just scaring me becuase I'm becoming more and more numb to it and my rage just makes me cut deeper. I hope I make sense because it literally doesn't make sense to me.

  • It makes a strange kind of sense. But you have got to break the chain. Can you make yourself call one of those numbers anytime you feel the pressure building? You need to break the cycle of mounting pressure/then cutting/then release of pressure/and then starting all over again.

    You need to have your own personal counselor also, not just a phone number. Can you do this? Make a call to get an appointment with a counselor. Look for one if you don't have one. Go online to Psychology Today and look them over and read about their philosophies, education, specialties, charges, insurance accepted and so on. Or get recommendations from your doctor and from other people's doctors. Look at reviews online.

    The alternative is to self admit to a hospital where you'll be assigned a counselor and group therapy which can be very good. Have you thought about that? You need to if you value your job and your amazing BF, which you have every right to. Please consider 1 of these good pathways instead of the one you are on, which won't get you anywhere positive. I'll look for your writing to me tonight. Take care, my friend.

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