Just going through the motions..

[Romanharper2013]

Hi, my name's Lauren And I'm new to this. At first I was hesitant because I've never been on any support type forum or group before. I'm usually a very private person and try to keep everything especially my feelings hidden well because I feel like people say they care but not very many actually show it or seem to want to help. I don't really know what I want or need. I just turned 30 in February. I have 2 beautiful boys 10 and 5. My youngest is autistic but he'samazing and the light of my life and honestly my kids are the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes or I'd probably be dead by now.. I see a therapist and am on medication but feel it's doing nothing no matter what she puts me on. My husband and I have been over for a long time but continue living together because of my youngest situation being autistic it's VERY difficult to say the least and I can't afford to live on my own. So we both just stay here..miserable. I'm DESPERATE to be happy again. Or just at peace at least. Of course my kids make me happy but it doesn't take away the void..feeling like there's a big hole..just emptiness. I feel like my life is nothing like there's gotta be more than this. Working just to make ends meet.. feeling like a failure in my marriage..not being able to give my kids everything they deserve..my life..just feels like the realization is hitting me like is this all it's ever gonna be?? I know something needs to change but what? HOW??? especially when there's no one to help you.. I just want to get better and don't know how. I only have 1 or 2 real friends but they don't really understand or know how to help.. I just don't get it I'm a good person I've helped so many people and I feel like no one cares to help me.. so that's my story I guess for now.. just willing to try anything at this point. Any advice or anything can't hurt I guess.. thanks.

[Agora1]

Hi Romanharper2013 and Welcome to a friendly, caring support group. You have found a safe place to come to where everyone is ready to listen and understand what you are going through. Life with anxiety can be lonely without having other social issues going on

You took the most important step today and that was to go outside of yourself and share your journey with those who are struggling as well as those who have reached their goal, Anxiety Free.

Anxiety is all about taking it one step at a time. The key to reaching your goal is Acceptance of Anxiety. Walking this path together will make it a little easier in learning and using some of the tools out there that go along with therapy and medication.

Stay strong, stay positive and things will start changing for you. I'm glad you're here xx.

[Marshall64]

"Going through the motions". That is exactly how I feel. I am a single full time father of a 12 year old. I love my daughter but my life revolves around her. Days keep going by. That is my choice as I sought custody which is good since the mom disappeared from her life two years ago. I have had custody since my daughter was six years old.

I have isolated myself so that it is just the two of us. I probably go out to meet up with friends about 10 times within a years time. So yes, I understand the going through the motions. My happiness comes from my daughter's happiness. Part of that is natural and good, but I should have happiness myself. I haven't dated because of depression and being busy being a full time dad. Since my daughter is getting older, I am going to try and get out there. I used to play in a band and right now I am going to do some open mic nights with a friend.

I'm sorry. I rambled. I wish I could give some insightful advice. Being a parent is great but your marriage situation is a tough one. Reaching out to a forum like this is a good step. I go to a support group for bipolar and depression and it helps me. You could look into something like that. It will get you out of the house and a chance to meet others with similar problems. Hang in there.

That is a great avatar picture btw...

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Marshall64]

Thank you for caring.. and I get what you mean. Once you're older going out to bars and stuff like that isn't important anymore. Sure going out and having time out of "parent mode" is nice but I'm just not even interested anymore.. I like being at home but this house feels like a prison.. the most annoying thing I think is that I KNOW something needs to change but I don't really have the ability to make that happen right now on my own I guess. So I'm just kinda stuck in limbo and I HATE that. But that's great you're doing what's best for your daughter. I do the same for mine my life revolves around them and after the days months years go by you don't even know who YOU are as a person anymore..you're just mom..or dad.. I guess that's my issue I don't know who I am or what I want anymore and it's a very lonely existence..

[Marshall64 in reply to Romanharper2013]

You may not feel like getting out of the house but imho, it would be good for you to do it. The times that i don't feel like going to a support group meeting are the times i realize i need it most. After pushing myself to go there, I'm always glad i went.

Divorce is painful so to me, I would try everything you can to save it first. If it ends up in a divorce, well you did everything you could do and still have no regrets in that area. I'm not a professional, but it sound like you need to get your depression under control before making any major decisions. Keep posting here as needed...

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Marshall64]

Believe me it's def over it BEEN over we're talking years.. having separate rooms and all.. there's no way I can be with someone who's illness affects them so greatly that they will lash out and call me the CRUELEST of names and say the most hateful VILE degrading things that NO human being should EVER say to another one no matter how mad they are. Esp when they have depression or mental health issues to begin with. Like.i said he's SEVERELY bi polar and manic one min he's super up next min he's super down n when he's down it's Bad. Very aggriessive agitated violent throwing and breaking things. It's not right. And he tried one medication and didnt like it and was done. He needs help bad and won't get it. So how can I force someone to help themselves? Obviously he doesn't care. He's told me I should just kill myself before and tried to shove pills in my.mouth. he disgusts me and what he did is unforgivable in my eyes. If I had a way financially to move in by now I would've. My youngest is starting school full time now so hopefully it'll get easier and I can .make some sort of transition. But I need to keep in mind stability is the best thing for an autistic child. Any change in routine or enviornment has a HUGE impact on him and his progress and I need to take that into account. I can't just do things normal people can do like under normal circumstances I'd stay with a friend or even my parents until I found a place but it's not that easy with my son. That's why it makes it even harder with him.. it's Soo hard. Any choice I make for myself I feel guilty or selfish if it'll hurt him. This is my dilemma. Lately though I've been VERY close to my breaking point I've suffered in silence for years and I don't know how much longer I can do it. I'm physically, mentally, emotionally EXHAUSTED. Literally and it's actually physically taking a toll on me too I'm always tired no matter what don't want to do anything anymore have to FORCE myself to take my kids somewhere fun when usually I look forward to that. My meds aren't helping it just feels like everything is just being compounded more and more and my strings are being pulled so tight in so many different directions that eventually in going to just snap. I don't want ttht obviously but each day they get pulled just a little bit tighter.. it's exhausting just talking about it. Sorry I'm rambling just trying to make you understand my situation and why it's so difficult.

[Marshall64 in reply to Romanharper2013]

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that about your husband and situation. I feel that i have spoke out of turn. I'm sorry that you are going through all of this.

If you get divorced, wouldn't you get spousal support and child support?

Does your son have a counselor? Sean had one through a state university. Not sure how that came to be but from they have been helpful and he gets his prescriptions through them.

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Marshall64]

No you are fine you didn't know it's no fault of yours. It's hard to get people to understand the situation and no I wouldn't get anything from him. It's very difficult situation. Believe me I feel like I've explored every possible avenue that's why sometimes it just seems hopeless !!

[Rpan]

I too am dealing with a difficult time with my marriage. When life and kids intwine things change so drastically, then we age. I’m much older (46) and a male. Our expectations can get the best of us. I often view the world as a place that “should be” but the fact is I have little control over the “ should be’s” my wife and I entered into marriage counseling, it has been eye opening. Our love has changed so drastically, so much so I often question if I love her any longer. I’m learning that love is a series of choices. I learned that most of my discomfort comes from my marriage. It has created most of my discomfort and it robs me of joy and happiness. The problem is not my wife, it’s me and that is very hard to come to terms with.

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Rpan]

I get that completely.. but it's like when I think about divorce I think about my kids And I try be as unselfish as I can..even if that means my unhappiness vs theirs. But then I wonder am I going to be one of those mother's I used to say "I'd never be like that". Someone who stays trpped in marriage that they aren't really in love with just to make my kids happy for years of my agony and misery?? I'd do ANYTHING for my kids lay down my life no question.. but then I feel like they aren't getting the best of me.. if that makes sense.. so then I'm back to square one again..just torn.. in limbo..waiting waiting waiting for something to happen..it's like I'm screaming and no one even pays attention or acknowledges me... That's what it feels like.. I hope things get better for you as well. Having older children makes it easier but mine are so young..it's very hard..

[Marshall64 in reply to Romanharper2013]

You said that you feel like your kids aren't getting the best of you. That is how I feel about me and my daughter. I have her everyday and I get worn out which does not bring out the best of me. The few times that my mom watched my daughter or if she had a sleepover, I get recharged and then I'm a better dad. If I had a significant other than I think i would be so much more up to doing things with more gusto (for a lack of a better word) and give her more qualify time.

I get worn down everyday when I get home and the first words of my daughter are "What's for dinner, I'm hungry" and the cat is yelping to be fed too. Oy vey...

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Marshall64]

Yes I get it. You're lucky you have family to help! My parents live almost 45 mins away from me in Westminster.. I'm in Baltimore.. and they both work full time..and my grandparents help with me older son alot but my youngest is 5 with autism and he's a LOT to handle so no one can really handle him except me.. that's the hard part. I haven't been out since he was born maybe 10 times NO JOKE.. that's why it's hard bc even if I did eventually divorce and we went out separate ways when I think about dating I'm just like..gosh how is that going to work they'd not only have to understand I have kids but understand a child w autism is a lot of work.. I feel like that would like me alot as it already does. Which I'm totally fine with being a homebody for the most part. But once in a while it's nice to just go out! Get out of the house n do something fun. N I feel like I haven't done that in FOREVER..n the very rare occurrences I have found someone I trust to babysit I end up feeling guilty the whole time neway even though I know I shouldn't. It's just a mess inside my head..

[Marshall64 in reply to Romanharper2013]

When I met my daughter's mother, she had a son with Asperghers. He lives with the mom's grandparents. He is the most awesome person I know. The mom didn't do much with him (should have been a major flag) until he would spend the weekend over my house (with the mom). I feel bad because I don't see him much now (split up with the mom 10 years ago) and he is my daughter's brother. Whenever I call him he always tells me how awesome me and his sister are and how much he loves us). It is amazing the lift that I get when I talk to him. He is the sweetest kid (he is 25 now so he really isn't a kid).

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Marshall64]

Aw that's really sweet!!! That's awesome. I def think you and/or your daughter should reach out to him more and invite him over or just out to eat w u guys or something. You never know how something so little could mean alot to him and make him feel like he is wanted ND loved. Sometimes I wish my family would do that with us more often but I always kind of feel like we're a burden because I ALWAYS have my son and it's a little better now the older he gets but when he was younger it was REALLY rough I almost couldn't go over anyone's house w him he'd run thru it and break things or want something he couldn't have.. so I feel like people don't really want to deal with that. He's not really like that anymore unless he's rly tired or hungry or sick or something.. he's high functioning and smart as a whip a really sweet loveable beautiful kid.. it's hard to get people to understand until it hope so to them or they are affected directly.. people are very judgemental whether they intend to be or not.. I guess it's just human nature. But some family member I don't even really soeak to anymore bc of their ignorance toward my son's condition like just dumb comments they make and telling me what I need to do like they know! No you can't spank or punish the autism out if him and yelling does NOT help. If you yell at him or make him feel "bad" he will become VERY upset and start crying and hitting himself an hyperventilating..and I refuse to EVER let anyone make my child feel that way so I've simply stopped going around those people. You kinda just get used to it after awhile feeling like an outsider.

[Marshall64 in reply to Romanharper2013]

I have tried getting Sean out but he wants to stay in his room and is always on the computer. I'm going to try again.

The reaction that you talk about to your son's behavior is how his own mom acts. Last time we all went out to eat together (years ago) Sean's mom kept telling Sean to quiet down because people were looking. Sean was getting agitated because of own mom. I was so pissed. If people look, so what?

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Marshall64]

Oh no I don't that kind of stuff I could give a shit less what people think and I'd DARE anyone to say anything to us.. but it kinda hurts when it's you're own FAMILY and everyone's unsolicited advice oh I'd punish him or I'd do this. And trying to explain no he's not banging that because he's bad he's overstimulated etc.. and people telling me to punish my kid for doing something he can't help.. this was more so when he was younger.. but still it just pissed me off so im like screw it. As far as I'm concerned if my kids not welcome then I'm not welcome..and dont wanna be there either!

[Hidden in reply to Rpan]

Both of you sound exactly how I feel

I just wake up to go to bed and start the day again

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Hidden]

Yes!!! Like something need to break the monotony..or I'm going to scream!!!

[Hidden]

Boy you sure have a lot on your plate or should I say platter! I get where you are coming from about friends...mine are here on this site! I'm here for you! Sending a little joy your way! Love & Hugs!!!

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much I really do appreciate that and same to you as well!!

[Rpan]

It sounds like you made the choice to stay with your husband. So you must do what ever it takes to find happiness in your marriage. All of these feelings can be overcome. Every relationship I have ever been in I ended up feeling the same way I do now. So I know it’s me. I just push her away, I often feel inadequate. It’s a tough place to be, I think when the attraction fades so do the feelings, I’m certain this is a normal reaction, I just have not been able to overcome it. Marriage is so complicated I do think things can be much better I just have not found the answers yet.

[Romanharper2013 in reply to Rpan]

Well I'm glad you're working through yours at least. Mine on the otherhand has been over mutually for along time. So imagine breaking up with someone n then having to stay living with them with just CONSTANT negativity and toxic energy so thick you could cut it with a knife! We literally have separate rooms.. we can barely be in the same room w one another unless for my son and even then it's hard.thats why it's like I feel like the older he gets the smarter he gets and he shouldn't have to choose between which one of us to be with.. but he's doing it here already!! And it wasn't really a choice more like I had no other choice. Financially I can't work full time to support my kids and still afford for someone to make sure they get home from school or to practice etc.. and my husband has his own issues he's EXTREMELY bipolar and refused to seek treatment tried meds one time didn't like them and quit never found the right one which can takes while he's also SEVERELY manic one min he's jekyl next min he's hide. He will call me the MOST CRUEL DISGUSTING APALLING things and then within hours will casually say something to me and I will just look at him like he's crazy and he is GENUINELY perplexed as to why I act that way. That's one of many reasons why it could never work again. I have my own mental health issues I'm trying to deal with but I can't try to make it work w someone who is severely effected by his illness yet refuses to get treatment to better his marriage or for himself.. at least for his kids! To me it's just selfish and I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.. I'd rather be crashing on someone's couch alone than in a house where I feel alone..there's no love and it's just empty.. I want..I NEED something better..

[Hidden in reply to Romanharper2013]

I can totally relate to your marital situation. I lived like that for too many years. I finally figured things out and I took a huge leap of faith. Boy, I was afraid that everything would blow up in my face if I changed my life. It didn't. You will get there. Just hang on.

Blessings!