Will this pain ever end????

[Hope_less]

My life has been filled with nothing but heartache and loss. Over time I got to where I don't trust anyone because I'm scared they will hurt me. I've become a total hermit. I go months without even going outside. I've been married for almost 5 years and the first 3 were pretty good. I felt like I at least had one person in this world who loved me and cared about me. Well about 2 yrs ago my husband got on drugs (crystal meth) and he's like a complete stranger to me anymore. I hardly ever see him and when he is home, he's so argumentative and just plain mean to me that I try to avoid him as much as possible. How can someone change that drastically? I miss the man I married so bad and now I am back to being completely ALONE!!!! I once heard someone say that loneliness kills more people than cancer and I'm starting to believe that. My husband has this whole new life now and I'm no part of it and don't want to be. He surrounds himself with nothing but the worst of the worst. I've gone through his messages and I'm pretty sure that he's cheating on me as well. He's got all these conversations with other women about drugs. Am I wrong in saying that a married man should not be doing drugs and getting drugs for other women? And most of the time he drags in at night around 1 or 2 in the morning and I never know where he's been or who he's with. I just don't understand why he would sacrifice me and our marriage for this kind of lifestyle. I'm so angry and so hurt. I honestly wish I had never even met him.

[Hidden]

I'm sure things would be better away from him. No need in punishing yourself for his problems

[Hope_less in reply to Hidden]

I agree but for financial reasons it would be almost impossible for me to survive without his income. I do product reviews and have a blog so I get a ton of free stuff but very rarely do I get cash. I rely on his check to pay the bills and all the free products I get are just nice extras. I feel like I'm stuck. I've talked to the Chaplin of a church here where I live & he said he could easily get me in a shelter but I would have to leave my 3 dogs and they're all I have. It just really sucks that he is choosing drugs over me. I just do my best to try and pretend that he's not even around because it's better than worrying myself to death about where he is and what he's doing.

[Hidden in reply to Hope_less]

I understand being dependent on someone financially. It keeps you from being free and making decisions. Maybe try and build a connection with mother. Take long walks with your dogs and think of ways to make a new life. I hate to see people trapped in isolation, it's a horrible feeling 😔

[Hope_less in reply to Hidden]

It really is a horrible feeling. I am so glad I found this site though. Everyone is so nice and it makes me feel so not alone.

[Hidden in reply to Hope_less]

I actually need to find some outside activities. Working and coming home is draining. I've relied too much on the internet. Just scared of branching out for some reason.

[Hope_less in reply to Hidden]

I understand that feeling completely. I know I need to get out of the house and try to maybe meet some nice, descent people but I'm just so nervous even thinking about it. And I live on the internet too. I review products and have a blog so that takes up the majority of my time. But I have zero social interactions and I know that's not healthy at all.

[Hidden in reply to Hope_less]

Are they hiring at this review job? You could try going to local depression meetings thru nami or dbsa 😊

[Hope_less in reply to Hidden]

I'll have to check those out. Thanks. For the product reviews there are several different programs I'm in. The easiest way to start doing this is to join some product review groups on Facebook. They tell you what programs to sign up for and what companies are looking for reviewers. It's actually a lot of fun. I've gotten 3 brand new memory foam mattresses, 4 vacuum cleaners, a ton of free coupons for food and everything from makeup to pet items. If you think you'd like to do this I can recommend some places to sign up at. Just let me know.

[Hidden in reply to Hope_less]

Yeah definitely thanks so much

[Hope_less in reply to Hidden]

Here's a really good group for free samples and they always post when companies need product reviews. Here's the link - facebook.com/groups/samples...

[Indigojoe in reply to Hope_less]

how does your husband hold a full time job with a good paycheck while on meth??

[Kat63]

The things your husband has done are not your fault. He has made some terrible choices, which have ended up hurting you badly. I know it feels like he’s not even the same person anymore - like you’ve lost what you had. It’s a terrible loss, and it makes sense that you feel terrible.

Do you have anything in your life that you can feel good about? A job? Some friends or family?

Have you tried therapy? It might help you get through this.

[Hope_less in reply to Kat63]

Besides my 3 dogs I really have nobody - no friends at all except the ones online and no family except my mom whom I talk to about twice a month. We've had a strained relationship for years. It just really hurts that he's choosing drugs and that lifestyle over me. He knows how bad my social anxiety is and that I never go around people. I just stay to myself so he's all I really had. I just don't understand how I've gone through life this long and don't even have one person that even cares about me. I just feel so terribly alone. I need to find some sort of group where I live that maybe I could meet some nice people. It seems like everyone that lives around me is on drugs and I just don't want that type of life at all. Thanks for replying to my post. Seems like you can understand what I'm going through.

[Indigojoe in reply to Hope_less]

what town do you live in?

[Estherblue]

Am so sorry, u go through all this, it must be very difficult. I, too go through depression of being lonely and having no one who cares and understands me. But i choose to believe it will get better with time. And its not a normal thing for your husband to get involved with drugs. I think you should talk to someone to talk to him, someone like his relatives or close friends, or decide to take him to see a therapist or any support group that can be of help. I wish everything goes well for u, continue to stay strong. You r not alone.

[Hope_less in reply to Estherblue]

Thank you for your comment. I just have to believe that things will get better and try not to lose all hope. As for my husband, it just really hurts that he's choosing drugs and this lifestyle over me. I've tried to get him into therapy and he refuses and all his friends are addicts too so they're no help. He will probably end up in jail and I've told him that a million times but he just doesn't care. This crystal meth is one evil drug. It has completely changed him into someone I don't even recognize. Thanks for caring.

[faulhallen]

Hello and welcome to the group!

I haven’t read all the comments and I’m writing this in pieces so I’m sorry if it’s a little repetitive or not very helpful.

It’s hard to imagine people can change that much or seemingly that suddenly but it’s true. They certainly can. I know personally it didn’t really help to reassure myself at all that what my ex was going through that made her change so suddenly and drastically probably had absolutely nothing to do with me (and I know it didn’t from talking to her long after the fact) but it’s true that it didn’t have anything to do with me. I would say that your husband may not have turned to drugs the first time as a means to cope with his problems but I would certainly believe that he kept doing them because of some internal problem. It’s not a healthy coping mechanism but I’m sure if you’re too high to care it at least feels like it’s working.

So it’s nothing about you or how he feels about you. I would say he’s doing it because it makes him feel good and will continue doing whatever makes him feel good until it’s not worth it in his eyes anymore. That doesn’t change anything for your situation but hopefully can soften the blow to your ego somewhat. It’s not you, it’s him.

Personally I’m mostly worried reading your post about whether or not you feel safe in your current situation and if you aren’t is there anywhere else you could go at all? Maybe there’s another option that would allow you to bring your dogs or has an option for them to be kept at a shelter while you transition away from your husband.

As far as the job thing goes is there some way you can start making money from it? I’m not a fan of sponsored content but could you do that, or ads? Could you partner with a website or YouTube channel? Could you do freelance writing jobs? I think they have reviews for those.

I realize that probably wasn’t the most helpful thing I’ve ever said and I am quite distracted, stressed and exhausted but hopefully it helps you feel less alone at least. Just please remember that as long as your part of this group you aren’t alone. Not everyone may read every post but there are a lot of great people on this site and I’m sure you’ll find support.

I’m not on here as often as I was several months ago but I check my messages if you need someone to reach out to. Either way I wish you all the best and I hope you find what you’re looking for! 🙂

[Hope_less]

Thank you so much. I'm so glad I found this group because it's providing so much comfort to me right now. I honestly don't think my husband's going to change because he's been an addict most of his life. I know it's my mistake for even marrying him but I really thought that he had changed. It just hurts so bad that he's choosing drugs and that lifestyle over me. I would probably be a much happier person away from him because all he does is make me worry. But there's just so much involved in leaving him with the financial situation and my dogs and all. It's just a lot of change involved and I don't do well with change. I am going to have to figure something out because he's slowly killing me. I actually ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago for a bleeding ulcer. All this stress and worry over him is making me physically ill. And no I don't feel particularly safe around him, He's got a bad temper and you never know what someone on that crystal meth is going to do. He's on his third day with no sleep right now. He's been home about 20 minutes total today and I have no idea where's he's been the rest of the time. Everything is a big secret with him now. I just can't believe how much he's changed.

[Indigojoe]

HI,

since you are so compassionate and sensitive, you would really blossom from a good therapist. IF you can't get out right now, there are many that will do video chat with you.

Once we figure out that we deserve kindness, and friendship and fresh air and sunshine, we make better choices and we can make good choices for our selves.

then we can make choices for OUR BENEFIT, and we get better.

[Hope_less]

Thank you for your comment. I often think my compassion and sensitivity are more like a curse than a blessing though. I just makes me so fragile - I get hurt and hurt badly so easily. I was seeing a psychiatrist a couple of years ago but I quit going because we didn't see eye to eye on medication. She had me on Seroquel and it made me feel like I was a total zombie just going through the motions but not feeling anything. When I complained about the side effects, she just upped the dosage. A video chat does sound like a good option though. I will have to look into that and see what my insurance will pay for. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Indigojoe in reply to Hope_less]

update???