IM DONE being so submissive

[Orangeblossom85]

My first psychological test had shown that i express no anger. My psychologist made a big issue out of it and she was trying for two years to trigger that. She wanted me to get angry with anyone that was doing me wrong in any way, and the hardest she tried with herself being sometimes so cruel to me.. It didn't work and I only felt sadder and sadder that people use me so easily.

I am one of these people that feel that we don't belong to this world, that we do not fit. I hate trash! I hate everything that is obscene. I hate "too much". I hate laud, too expressive, too this and too that. I would love this world to be way more utopian, but still - nothing crazy - i just would like us people to be PRO each other and not AGAINST. How can we fight so much? How can we be so egoistic?

I would always always be helpful! I would never complain! I would never take time to just express myself while they need time to express their issues. No duty or task would be ever difficult for me to handle, and when someone else struggle, why dont I help? Unfortunately that would often take a bit of excess and while someone would be just left with its job done, I would suffer to make it – over night, for my own money, with a lot of difficulty or stress. Soon those situation would be super repetitive and I would become exhausted. Much of my so called friendship had ended last year when my money finished – first one to go would be my super boyfriend, married man, so unhappy with his wife, so broke with his money, so terrible terrible at work, and so struggling with care for his babies… For four years I would be everything to that family: friend of his wife, mother to his children and their baby sitter, the nurse when they are sick, the wallet for shopping, the employer for him and his wife, breadwinner, caregiver, love, talk and of course a$$. The moment my money were gone, he was gone. Next ones were my collaborators, workers, business partners, other friends, people that would benefit anyhow…

The last ones were my “friends” too, the married couple with two kids, that I was made a godmother to the older one. Everything was good between us until I said no. They would leave me with a text message that they prefer to make no comment over my behavior.

This site is very special for me as nowhere else I was ever so open about myself. I cant keep diary as I was usually writing down only depressive and sad stories. I couldnt cope that anytime I look into it, I see so much tragedy happening to a small child, so I quit. This is more than a diary. Here I hear your responses and they are very helpful, especially those that open up my eyes and bring so much awareness.

Today I had received another amazing email from my best friend that is currently suing in me for the money she borrowed me to help. The words she wrote for the first time in my life brought me anger. I am so completely pissed. I can feel that my body is boiling with fire! I feel such a string need to say: IM DONE! And to curse… curse so much. I never felt that. I am so sooooo terribly pissed.

I cant no longer make it. I know that my mistake comes from the fact that im so submissive. I never want anything in return, I never charge people, I never make my own needs first, I never set any requirments, I dont have my borders established… Its pissing me off. ITS THE END OF IT.

I don’t care if after today, I will have no more friends and I will stay completely alone. They all can go. They all can shout on me, tell me that “im behaving badly” (christ… like a small girl…), that they leave no comment or that they will sue me. SUING is the word ive been hearing constantly this year. Its a key word that is supposed to deliver to people everything they want.

I know where I did bad and what are my responsibilities. Im not denying anyone right to their own money that I am owing them. Its obvious that I am willing to pay back to each cent. I will certainly do this. But I will no longer be threatened, blackmailed, used. I will never take someone elses requirements and conditions a priori, in advance, with no conditions on my own side. Never!

I AM SO FED UP!

Its gonna be a war. And I can hear in my mind a fighting voice saying dont do that, let them have what the want, you will have another life, another try, another chances… you can just let them have theirs as they wish. Forget yours, its better. I hear that awful voice….. Maybe this voice is right. I NO LONGER CARE. I am not gonna listen to it. I AM GONNA now stand for myself and chose what I want, even if im wrong. I am gonna fight for myself. I desire respect. And Im gonna win it all.

If they want wars, let them have these wars – I am gonna fight strong! And im not gonna give them anything easy… I AM DONE. !

[hypercat54]

'Honestly OB from reading your post it sounds like you think you are a saint or something! It's not your duty to spread sweetness and light everywhere you go - it is your duty to live your own life and do what you want with it. This includes leading a healthy lifestyle which is impossible to do if you give everything to others.

Did you know anger turned inwards is a classic cause of depression? You need to start changing your mindset and be a bit more selfish. When you allow yourself to be human you will discover you can feel anger. It doesn't mean you aren't a nice person unless you are sacrificing yourself you know! It just means you are a doormat. There is a big difference.'

...............................................................................................

Sorry I only read part of your post before I responded but am going to leave this in as it is so you don't backtrack on your promise to yourself. You are doing exactly the right thing in refusing to be taken for a mug anymore so feel that anger and revel in it. You do need to learn to control it though so it works for you and not against you. We all need people and none of us is an island and it is about getting the balance right. Work with your therapist on this. Take care and well done for being so strong. You will succeed and have the happy life you so deserve. xx

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

as always my friend....you nailed it.....exactly....don't be anyone's doormat....and get angry, without internalizing it onto yourself...use it to establish your boundaries as to what your not willing to let anyone cross in the future.

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you faux - your reply was fantastic as usual and got completely to the heart of the matter. x

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

I always love your comments....you have a sharp whit I adore....glad to see you my friend....

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

Whit? You been on the wine my friend? xx

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

haaaa!!!.....nope...no vino....just still waking up.....you always make me laugh women....

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

No vino so no wino? xx

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

haaa ha!!!....no.....those days of wine and roses went back in the day of my hippie era....and now it's smoothies and veggies....but I'll gladly eat a good piece of meat in a heartbeat.

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

smoothies and veggies? Cor give me strength! A pint of lager and a packet of crisps please.... xx

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

haaa!!!!....

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

faux & hyper ..you both crack me up!!! Thanks for the laugh!!! Love & Hugs for the both of you....we can always use more love & hugs!!!

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

xx

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for another laugh!!!!

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to fauxartist]

This word : doormat it’s a really good description. I am a doormat for others. That is really sad to me but I do hope that I’ll be strong enough to change it. And that! I won’t be so terribly clumsy.

[hypercat54 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Yes it's easily done for us people pleasers OB. People wipe their feet on us and treat us like dirt. Time to stop it and please ourselves more. x

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you!

[hypercat54 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Go girl! xx

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hypercat54]

I never felt like a saint, actually I would feel well opposite. Still... I know that I have plenty of flaws and I do feel guilty for so many things, I couldn’t think of me as bad person. Having a relationship with a married man might be seen as no morals and cruel to the wife of that guy. It can be taken as pure evil. Even though, when I was there, they all had their lives better than anytime earlier and I really cared for all of them as much as I could.

I do own money to two persons, I have smaller debts with few companies and a mortgage but I never neglected my duties. I simply don’t have means to pay them back and it’s not that I don’t want to... or not trying and leaving them hanging. They all know how is my situation so those lawsuits are so cruel to me. They don’t really seek any solution, they just want to “rage”. They want what they want instantly and right now. That is no help whatsoever... It’s also a way to cover up their flaws toward

me, in case I would like to take my word after all... I believe that they are mostly afraid that if I get the strength, I could burry them way deeper for neglecting me or using me. Me wanting anything from them is not welcome.

I do have an utopian vision of the world but I also start to understand that it’s not possible. I used to be vegan cause I thought that all these big “animal production” markets is the reason for the world being so dirty and polluted. Now I see that I am not able to make a change. Same goes to being “nice” to people. I see now that it’s actually very import to build your walls and protect them. I really never set any conditions and I let people to choose me, run my life and decide everything. This makes me very sad and would really like to change it.

Today I really got angry. It drifted now to feeling tired and sad. It’s probably because I don’t know how to express that anger. But I did for the first time write back an emotional message full of anger, saying that the way she wants to deal with me is cruel and crazy. I really wrote words I had never used before. I asked her many questions. And I pointed out that she did me so terribly awful things so many times and I never complained. I told her to stop and to look at herself before she’s gonna make the accusation and blackmail me.

I don’t really care who and if anyone will stay with me. I would worry about it often but now not. We all meet people all the time. I don’t think that we can be alone for life... I think it’s also a choice. So I shouldn’t worry.

Thank you very much for your words. Everytime I write something here or read posts of others, I learn a lot.

I’m lost and confused but I really hope I will make it. And that I won’t forget to take care of myself.

[fauxartist]

Good for you....establishing boundaries not only lets others know you have certain needs and requirements for your own self respect and that they are not to be crossed. You should put together any paperwork you have regarding this law suit and put together your response on what you had planned to do to pay them back. Some sort of reasonable payment plan that is reasonable and affordable for you. That you would submit to courts and all solicitors involved, to show you are making a responsible effort to resolve this matter. That way no property or bank accounts of yours can be attached and drained or sold.

Go back to your therapist and let them know you have now finally come to this epiphany of great change in your life, and you need guidance and tools to establish your new ground rules on how to live your life. Learn to have 'real' friends that are not users. Learn to not set yourself up to be used any more. Know the difference between a healthy and unhealthy arrangement. Live your own life, and not intertwine yours within others and find your own independence. Many people live their lives through unavailable relationships because it's safe for them...there is never any real chance of full commitment to a family already established and committed to themselves...so your always going to really be on the outside, expendable.

Many who are afraid to life their own life try to live life through others....and for them it's either symbiotic or parasitic. Many become chameleons and adapt their personalities to blend into relationships to fit in, but it's play acting and not a real existence of being accepted for who you are, because you don't think who you are is enough, good enough, and likeable enough on your own merits.

I'm glad your at that point of wanting 'self discovery'....finding and establishing your own personal boundaries....but do it under the guidance of a professional who understands what it is your trying to do....finding the 'real you'.....

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you Faux!

You are right about the paperwork. It’s something that I’m doing but it’s also about protecting me. I’m failing to do this! And I really want to stop now. I don’t want these all people that have any issues with me to be on the top and get whatever, leaving me so drained - financially but emotionally too. Paying in rates is my only idea, but those rates they also need to be possible to pay and not whatever - cause then it’s obvious I will fail to pay and they will court me again.. and again. I’m really sick of not being listened or taken seriously. Mostly I feel scolded as a small child.

I would love to have tools. I would love to know where can I learn. How to learn?

I’m in such deep hole now when it comes to life problems. I won’t really take anymore. And now... there is so much going on and I need to act. And act well.

I really want to be there for me. I want to stand up for me. Help myself. Do what I need and what I want. Feel safe. Live healthy. I really don’t want anyone to be threatening me.. or to get in any other toxic relationship.

I really really need those tools!

[Hidden]

I'm so happy that you have come to this conclusion!!! Make yourself first, you my dear sure do deserve it!! Life is such a challenge! I agree with hypercat! She nailed it !!! Stand strong & proud for you because there is only 1 you & that makes you VERY SPECIAL!!!! Love & Big Hugs!!! XXX

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you anxiety. The first part was harsh but left it in just in case OB decided not to move forward! Maybe I should have taken it out? x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I don't think so. Sometimes we need to hear all of the truth & I sure do hope OB takes in all of the GOOD advice!!!! You will won't you OB??

Have a beautiful day!!! Love & Hugs!!!

[Sillysausage234]

In the uk we have a saying for selfish people..I’m alright jack..f**k the rest...unfortunately I think western values have created too many jacks...without getting into politics just make sure your priority is looking after no1 in future best wishes and youlle probably feel better after the good vent

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Sillysausage234]

Thank you, Alan!

In Portugal when they make a toast they usually say: we drink for us, to us and let the rest f**k themselves. They are very proud of that saying....

I’m a bit afraid as I feel that my personality is being helpful and kind. I always smile and show so much heart. It’s nothing that I’m faking or acting... it’s me. It will be very very hard for me to control myself so much. Moreover... who will I be? Won’t i hide myself again just in different way?

[Posykelly]

Dear Orangeblossom,

I would get a new psychiatrist ASAP. One who does not play stupid games that make you feel worse.

Friends are a wonderful and very rare thing. I think you get maybe 1 or 2 in your whole life. The rest are acquaintances, associates, people you know. Friends do not take without giving. I think friends give you money when you need help and then forget it.

So, these people who are not friends, you don't need them. You may have to deal with them, but not socially or casually.

In America people who give are called doormats. Everyone walks all over them.

It is a horrible thing in this world that people who come from a culture of good manners, giving, compassion, service and kindness are called such things. I was raised to give, never take, never ask for anything, to place the feelings of others above my own, always give the best I have to my guest. George Washington wrote a book on manners or etiquette where he said that was the purpose or essence of good manners. It works great if everyone does it. (Utopia) They don't.

So, eventually you harden yourself, as much as you are able, and get a little more 'assertive'. It is not how you want to be, it is not the way you were raised, but to survive in a fallen world, it is what you have to do.

But I hate it, this liberal 'what's in it for me' world. I miss the conservative 'how may I be of service' culture in which I was raised.

So, I will be your friend. I will not know your name to ask anything. I ask now, how may I be of service, or help, or comfort to you?

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Posykelly]

Posykelly!

Thank you for your words. Thank you for sharing that you also dream about utopia and that you wish to be in service. I also hate that new world that always need to gain. I never think about my profits. Hardly never about the price. I simply can’t when there is a someone else being in need of help...

I’m not so sure if adjusting to this new world is something good. We should all stand for good changes and instead of that... we put the color of the crowd. It’s really sad for me that “good” has way smaller impact that “bad”.

Once I listened that it’s a really bad idea to run newspaper as nowadays news are all about tragedies, mistakes, treasons and dirty gossip. No one talks about positivity of the world... and journalism actually creates more and more negative stories cause they @click@ better.

You’re right about being a doormat. I am one. In so many situations and so many aspects. I remember being a doormat since my first memories. And I would always suffer because of that.

Now is this moment that I can’t be any longer cause it will kill me. I don’t what to fall in perpetual problems because of other people that I cover up their own flaws or sh**. I would really want to do it right now right here.

Unfortunately I do not have any tools. I have no idea how to do it. I feel like a teenager being raving over their hormones. I don’t want to be laughed out. I don’t want to be a kid anymore. I want to treated with respect. And treated as mature person.

I feel so dumb and so lost. Im tumbling...

[Posykelly in reply to Orangeblossom85]

I don't think you are a doormat! I think you were raised in a culture of putting others first, if service, of acting out (or living in) charity and love! I think you are wonderful, and that the world is wrong. I think every 'social justice warrior' should learn from you how it works. Love and charity and service are the good in our world. But people call it bad, or take advantage.

So to get along we have to learn to build walls around our hearts, keep some parts back, be less open, a little more reserved, and learn to speak up for ourselves when people take advantage.

Don't change your inner self, ever. We might have to modify our actions with people, but we should never have to change our core values. It would be an awful thing if everyone who naturally gives and serves stopped. An orange blossom gives beauty and a lovely fragrance. Then it gives fruit with vitamins essential to good health. It is a lovely thing.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Posykelly]

Thank you, Posykelly!

I find a lot of wisdom in your words. I also find comfort.

I wouldn’t like to change who I am, I do like this person very much, especially in the best version- smiling and helpful.

Unfortunately at this point of my life, I can’t deal with being so badly used and deceived. People I was genuine with, are now trying to be my biggest enemies. For that I wasn’t made for sure, for fighting, for gaining, for wars. However for the first time in my life I would like to protect myself, defend, get care for myself and support. I really would like other people to help me as I can’t handle with the situation alone. I did ask, but I should ask for more and I shouldn’t feel that awful emotion that I shouldn’t ask.

Currently I’m broken hearted but I’ve been there already and I know that it will go away with the time. I can’t only manage the amount of stress my body is getting and fear that builds up inside me. That Saturday morning was good, cause it was very liberating to feel that anger. Very liberating! And I must say that my body felt better too as the amount of stress was shaken off. Unfortunately I couldn’t keep that feeling inside me and instead I grew sad.

Thank you for that word doormat. I’ve been googling it and there is so many articles about it. They all describe me very well, especially the parts of personal costs that being a doormat brings. I’ll be looking for tools and methods. Awareness is a great tool too

I wish you wonderful week. Full of positivity!

[AZ1970]

Good for you! You found your anger. Don't swing too far the other direction. Use the anger for energy to take care of yourself and set boundaries. I look forward to seeing how this all plays out.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you. I wish this anger would stay with me a bit longer and made me a little bit stronger. Unfortunately... it turned into big sadness that paralyzed me too much. I hope I will get my mind straight and will start to protect myself.

[dee_bells in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Orangeblossom85,

Hang on to your anger and use it when you feel that you are being taken advantage of. Just say no.

Sadly, I give to people and I feel taken advantage of. My mom died a year ago, she had a nice car with low mileage. I had a couple people who wanted it but I sold it to a friend and she could make payments each month and at the end of the year she has to pay in full. I don’t know how long the car will run.

So she is 3 months behind in payments and the remaining amount is due in two months. I’m sorry but this upsetting as I type this. I think if the saying “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

So I treat people like crap? I’m sorry—I know you talk of owing money—make arrangements with them so they know you want to pay off the debt.

Again, I’m sorry—this topic is painful for me. I also crochet—baby booties, little hats etc and I don’t get a thank you. ☹️☹️☹️☹️