My first psychological test had shown that i express no anger. My psychologist made a big issue out of it and she was trying for two years to trigger that. She wanted me to get angry with anyone that was doing me wrong in any way, and the hardest she tried with herself being sometimes so cruel to me.. It didn't work and I only felt sadder and sadder that people use me so easily.
I am one of these people that feel that we don't belong to this world, that we do not fit. I hate trash! I hate everything that is obscene. I hate "too much". I hate laud, too expressive, too this and too that. I would love this world to be way more utopian, but still - nothing crazy - i just would like us people to be PRO each other and not AGAINST. How can we fight so much? How can we be so egoistic?
I would always always be helpful! I would never complain! I would never take time to just express myself while they need time to express their issues. No duty or task would be ever difficult for me to handle, and when someone else struggle, why dont I help? Unfortunately that would often take a bit of excess and while someone would be just left with its job done, I would suffer to make it – over night, for my own money, with a lot of difficulty or stress. Soon those situation would be super repetitive and I would become exhausted. Much of my so called friendship had ended last year when my money finished – first one to go would be my super boyfriend, married man, so unhappy with his wife, so broke with his money, so terrible terrible at work, and so struggling with care for his babies… For four years I would be everything to that family: friend of his wife, mother to his children and their baby sitter, the nurse when they are sick, the wallet for shopping, the employer for him and his wife, breadwinner, caregiver, love, talk and of course a$$. The moment my money were gone, he was gone. Next ones were my collaborators, workers, business partners, other friends, people that would benefit anyhow…
The last ones were my “friends” too, the married couple with two kids, that I was made a godmother to the older one. Everything was good between us until I said no. They would leave me with a text message that they prefer to make no comment over my behavior.
This site is very special for me as nowhere else I was ever so open about myself. I cant keep diary as I was usually writing down only depressive and sad stories. I couldnt cope that anytime I look into it, I see so much tragedy happening to a small child, so I quit. This is more than a diary. Here I hear your responses and they are very helpful, especially those that open up my eyes and bring so much awareness.
Today I had received another amazing email from my best friend that is currently suing in me for the money she borrowed me to help. The words she wrote for the first time in my life brought me anger. I am so completely pissed. I can feel that my body is boiling with fire! I feel such a string need to say: IM DONE! And to curse… curse so much. I never felt that. I am so sooooo terribly pissed.
I cant no longer make it. I know that my mistake comes from the fact that im so submissive. I never want anything in return, I never charge people, I never make my own needs first, I never set any requirments, I dont have my borders established… Its pissing me off. ITS THE END OF IT.
I don’t care if after today, I will have no more friends and I will stay completely alone. They all can go. They all can shout on me, tell me that “im behaving badly” (christ… like a small girl…), that they leave no comment or that they will sue me. SUING is the word ive been hearing constantly this year. Its a key word that is supposed to deliver to people everything they want.
I know where I did bad and what are my responsibilities. Im not denying anyone right to their own money that I am owing them. Its obvious that I am willing to pay back to each cent. I will certainly do this. But I will no longer be threatened, blackmailed, used. I will never take someone elses requirements and conditions a priori, in advance, with no conditions on my own side. Never!
I AM SO FED UP!
Its gonna be a war. And I can hear in my mind a fighting voice saying dont do that, let them have what the want, you will have another life, another try, another chances… you can just let them have theirs as they wish. Forget yours, its better. I hear that awful voice….. Maybe this voice is right. I NO LONGER CARE. I am not gonna listen to it. I AM GONNA now stand for myself and chose what I want, even if im wrong. I am gonna fight for myself. I desire respect. And Im gonna win it all.
If they want wars, let them have these wars – I am gonna fight strong! And im not gonna give them anything easy… I AM DONE. !