HELP

[pampam3]

I just don't understand the cycle. If somehow I manage to feel a little better it doesn't last. I have been dealing with the cycle so long.....so very long. I've reached the point that I figure what's the point in trying to feel better? It won't last! Anyway. I hate this disease called depression. It makes no sense. I like math. Math makes sense. Numbers are just what they are. Depression makes no sense. Depression. The word itself is depressing. It makes me have so many different feelings.... none of which are good. SAD. INADEQUATE. LONELY. WEIRD. STUPID. WEAK. ALONE. DISAPPOINTED. DISAPPOINTING TO OTHERS. UNWANTED. UNWORTHY TO BE WANTED. UNLOVED. UNWORTHY TO BE LOVED. UNBELEIVED. FRIENDLESS.

It's funny how it works. It makes me feel lonely and like no one wants to be near me and at the same time, I don't want to be with anyone. I want to be left alone. Yet, I'm lonely and want someone to want to be with me. I guess CRAZY should be at the top of my bad feelings list.

I get so tired of being tired. I want to feel better, but I'm tired working to feel better. I just want it to happen. I know all the rules about depression and how to get out of an episode....get up, get out, lots of sunshine, be with family/friends, etc.... But I simply don't want to do those things. I'm on medication for depression. Today, it was after 1pm before I could MAKE myself get up and take my medication. Yesterday, it was after 4pm. Some days I don't take it. I can't get up and get it. Some times I run out because I can't make myself go get it....of course, now it's on a mail order system....which helps some, but sometimes I don't order it. Not because I don't want/need it, but because I can't move and focus long enough to get my laptop and order it or go to the mailbox and get it out. That's crazy and I know it. Yet I can't help it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I want to be depressed? I don't but why can't I make myself help myself? Literally, I hate this disease. It makes me dislike myself so much. I'm so disappointed in myself and in my life sometimes. I have other medical problems as well and I do the same with them....because of my depression sometimes I just can't go to the doctor or to get my treatments, etc. I don't know how to handle this. All I want to do is lie in the bed and be left along. Sometimes I pretend to be asleep so no one speaks to me if they come in my room. Yet, if no one-checks on me, that means they don't care!!! Crazy much?

I'm scared. I sometimes don't know where I will end up. In a padded room somewhere? Dead?

I don't know. I need help!

Anyone out there willing to hear me whine and allow me to follow you/you follow me, etc. I guess I need a "depression buddy". Is that sad in itself? Anyway, if you are willing to try, let me know. Crazy again, but sometimes it helps to write about it and I think maybe it might help even more if I knew someone would actually read what I wright and give a flip. But be careful. Crazy might be contagious!

[Sillysausage234]

Hi Pam try and get hold of a book called you can heal your life by louse.l.hay if you don’t know it it’s very good changes a lot of the negative thought processes you’ve listed .ps I put it up on a post so you get an idea,

[pampam3 in reply to Sillysausage234]

Thanks. I will try to get a copy of it.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to pampam3]

Good morning Pam,well it is here in the uk hope you can have a better day today 🙏x p.s.ive just spotted a London pigeon on your profile picture 😊

[Lizbeth0507]

You are not alone I feel that way too but each day is a battle and you are winning as long as you keep breathing. This disease is horrible and unfortunately people around us doesn’t know how to help us, but hopefully here we can whine to each other at least

[pampam3 in reply to Lizbeth0507]

Thanks for the response. I hope we can whine to each other....sometimes, just knowing someone else understands the feeling helps.

[Hidden]

Life is a paradox. To fully appreciate happiness we must first experience the depths of despair. We also live within the constraints of time. Time allows for change to happen. Mans heart was created for eternal joy and happiness. Not momentary happiness.

[Hidden]

I have read and most definitely give a flip! Contagious doesn’t scare me and neither does crazy. I think it’s not uncommon to feel scared of the changes depression puts us through. We don’t even recognize ourselves! Unfortunately, the road to recovery involves tremendous diligence, commitment, patience and a strong desire to make it happen. I wish those things for you...

[pampam3 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. The changes/fear are never ending. I guess I partly just need to know that there are others who have the same thoughts, etc that I have. I guess my greatest fear sometimes now is that I don't have what it takes to make recovery happen. I feel weak and incapable of even trying sometimes. Hopefully, talking with others who do understand will help. I was in talk therapy for a long time and it did help although I feel like there's a difference in "knowing the feeling" via studying about it vs actually feeling it. Thanks again.

[Hidden in reply to pampam3]

I agree with you! I know that you feel weak right now, but taking action and feeling the results will motivate you for more of the same..,

[Annie425]

I am feeling the same way and right now is really bad. I feel so stupid. Things in my life are good so why do I sit in my bedroom. I live alone yet. Still,stay in my room like the rest of my home is bad. I’m with you I so frustrated and on the verge of losing my job because I don’t want to leave my home. So I will definitely hang with you and maybe we can somehow help each other. Annie

[pampam3 in reply to Annie425]

I hope we can help each other. I came to the site looking for help, but it would be great if in the process of getting help I could help someone else. Thank you for responding.

[fauxartist]

The emotional roller coaster is par for the course for this disease, and it is chemical, it is a scientific fact.You have a Serotonin issue in the brain, and it causes depression. There are a couple types of depression, short term will eventually go away, but long term, well, It's just the luck of the draw...you can however if you so choose....take SSRI's to balance out some of the lows..that's trial and error too, ..but there is no cure, just learn through therapy, reading, and sharing, how to manage and cope with this disease. It's no different than if you have to take meds for heart disease or manage your diabetes....

[pampam3 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for responding. I understand and agree with you, it's just that I sometimes simply don't know how to do it!!

[Hidden]

I'm the same..I dont know what to do either