I just don't understand the cycle. If somehow I manage to feel a little better it doesn't last. I have been dealing with the cycle so long.....so very long. I've reached the point that I figure what's the point in trying to feel better? It won't last! Anyway. I hate this disease called depression. It makes no sense. I like math. Math makes sense. Numbers are just what they are. Depression makes no sense. Depression. The word itself is depressing. It makes me have so many different feelings.... none of which are good. SAD. INADEQUATE. LONELY. WEIRD. STUPID. WEAK. ALONE. DISAPPOINTED. DISAPPOINTING TO OTHERS. UNWANTED. UNWORTHY TO BE WANTED. UNLOVED. UNWORTHY TO BE LOVED. UNBELEIVED. FRIENDLESS.
It's funny how it works. It makes me feel lonely and like no one wants to be near me and at the same time, I don't want to be with anyone. I want to be left alone. Yet, I'm lonely and want someone to want to be with me. I guess CRAZY should be at the top of my bad feelings list.
I get so tired of being tired. I want to feel better, but I'm tired working to feel better. I just want it to happen. I know all the rules about depression and how to get out of an episode....get up, get out, lots of sunshine, be with family/friends, etc.... But I simply don't want to do those things. I'm on medication for depression. Today, it was after 1pm before I could MAKE myself get up and take my medication. Yesterday, it was after 4pm. Some days I don't take it. I can't get up and get it. Some times I run out because I can't make myself go get it....of course, now it's on a mail order system....which helps some, but sometimes I don't order it. Not because I don't want/need it, but because I can't move and focus long enough to get my laptop and order it or go to the mailbox and get it out. That's crazy and I know it. Yet I can't help it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I want to be depressed? I don't but why can't I make myself help myself? Literally, I hate this disease. It makes me dislike myself so much. I'm so disappointed in myself and in my life sometimes. I have other medical problems as well and I do the same with them....because of my depression sometimes I just can't go to the doctor or to get my treatments, etc. I don't know how to handle this. All I want to do is lie in the bed and be left along. Sometimes I pretend to be asleep so no one speaks to me if they come in my room. Yet, if no one-checks on me, that means they don't care!!! Crazy much?
I'm scared. I sometimes don't know where I will end up. In a padded room somewhere? Dead?
I don't know. I need help!
Anyone out there willing to hear me whine and allow me to follow you/you follow me, etc. I guess I need a "depression buddy". Is that sad in itself? Anyway, if you are willing to try, let me know. Crazy again, but sometimes it helps to write about it and I think maybe it might help even more if I knew someone would actually read what I wright and give a flip. But be careful. Crazy might be contagious!